Father to daughters suitor: So you want to marry Betty Sue, huh? You should know, Ive had a hard time keeping that girl in clothes.
Suitor: Yeah, I know what you mean. So have I. 🙂
Daddy, Charlie asked me to marry him, but I told him I couldnt leave Mama.
Thats okay, honey. Take her with you.
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each others health one asked how the others husband was doing.
Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!
Oh dear! Im very sorry. replied her friend What did you do?
Opened a can of peas instead!
A blonde was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied I just cant do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Fresno!
Fresno who?
Rudolf the Fresno reindeer…!
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyers club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
It aint so bad, one crook noted. We got $25 between us.
The boss screamed: I warned you to stay clear of lawyers–we had $100 when we broke in!
Q: Whats the definition of a really macho woman?
A: She jump starts her vibrator.
Q: Whats the definition of a really macho man?
A: He puts on a condom with a tire iron.
Una vez estaba Juanita en su casa, y de repente tuvo su primera menstruación, estaba muy asustada pero no habÃÂa nadie en su casa, asàque decidió ir a casa de su mejor amigo,
Pepito.
Llegó a la casa y tocó el timbre:
Hola Pepito, ¿está tu mamá?
No Juanita, pero ¿qué se te ofrece?
No te puedo decir Pepito, son cosas de Mujeres.
DÃÂmelo Juanita, yo sé absolutamente todo de mujeres.
No, Pepito, ¿está tu hermana?
No Juanita, pero dime, ya te dije que sé todo de mujeres.
No te puedo decir Pepito, ¿está tu sirvienta?
No, pero dÃÂmelo, yo sé todo de las mujeres.
Está bien Pepito te lo voy a decir.
En ese momento se levanta la falda y está toda ensangrentada y dice Pepito:
Pero ¿qué hiciste, Juanita? ¡Te arrancaste los huevos!
ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out…
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as marketing without a degree, you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can concentrate on the big picture. You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU dont understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest ergodynamic gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your carpal tunnel…
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!
MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/TEAM LEADS: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other Middle Managers, as everyone in your social circle is a Middle Manager.
SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other Senior Managers, as everyone in your social circle is a Senior Manager.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play Customer Service. Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.
How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, its a hardware problem
Q: How many UNC-Wilmington students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four – two to change the bulb, and two to figure out how to get high off the old one.