Old and New Jokes

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How the hell do you breath out of that thing?

The Shoplifter…



A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.



Listen, said the shoplifter, I know you dont want any trouble either.

What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?



The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.



The crook looked at the slip and said, This is a little more than I intended to spend.

Can you show me something less expensive?

All work and no play, will make you a manager.

Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar?

She heard the drinks were on the house.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say
on a date…

Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?

I really dont like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use
this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

No wine for me tonight. My urologist says its not good to mix
alcohol and penicillin.

I refuse to get cable. Thats how they keep tabs on you.

People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell.

I used to come here all the time with my ex.

I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldnt hurt to
consider it.

Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesnt hear my voice
on the answering machine every hour.

I really feel that Ive grown in the past few years. Used to be I
wouldnt have given someone like you a second look.

And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.

I know you said you dont eat anything with a face. But a good
butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.

Its been tough, but Ive come to accept that most people I date just
wont be as smart as I am.

Little Jimmy was studying for an American history test when his Grampa came by.

He looked up at his Grampa and said, When you were in school, you had it easy. Back then, American history was considered current events.

Editors note – This was my first ever post to the HUMOR-L mailing list.

German fisherman was at the sea with a small boat. After some time American submarine surfaced near him. The captain asked the fisherman: Have You seen any Russian submarines lately?

Yes, I have, they went to north-east, the fisherman replied.

Thanks very much, and off they went, to north-east… After some time, Russian submarine surfaced, and their commander asked the same fisherman, Have You seen any American submarines lately?

Fishermans answer was the same: Yes, and they went to north-east.

What?, asked russian submarines commander.

I said, they went to north-east!

What a hell means north-east, Youd better show us the direction with your hand, if You dont want us to sink you!

Q: What do you call a proctologist from Jamaica?

A: PokeMon!

ARIES

You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.

TAURUS

You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. Taurus people have BO.

GEMINI

You are a quick and intellectual thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap.

CANCER

You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. Thats why youll never make anything of yourself. Most Welfare recipients are Cancer people.

LEO

You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.

VIRGO

You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.

LIBRA

You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are probably gay. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women make good prostitutes. The majority of you Libras have a venereal disease.

SCORPIO

You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle or success because of your total lack of ethics. You have a weakness for pasta and adultery. Most Scorpio people end up murdered.

SAGITTARIUS

You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or druggies. People laugh at you a great deal.

CAPRICORN

You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You dont do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still too long, as a dog might mistake you for a fire hydrant.

AQUARIUS

You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you tend to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.

PISCES

You have a vivid imagination, and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.