Three men went hunting in a dense forest. As one of them was crossing a fallen log, he tripped, dropped his rifle, and shot himself. The other two ran quickly to their unconscious friend and saw that his chest was covered with blood. Walt turned to Stan and said, We gotta get Elmer to da hospital quick or hes gonna die.
How er we gonna carry em? Stan asked. Why Elmer, he weighs a good two hunnert pounds.
Hell Stan! That aint nuttin, assured Walt. We carry bucks out bigge n at, all da time. We kin do it da same way. Walt was right.
In no time, they were pulling their 4×4 up to the emergency room door, and doctors, nurses and orderlies rushed Elmer inside. A while later, one of the doctors gave the two worried friends the bad news, Your friend didnt make it. Walt said, Yeah, I thought dat gunshot hit em in da heart.
No, said the doctor. The bullet actually went above the heart and through the shoulder. His chest was only covered with blood, but he might have been able to survive that.
Damn-it Stan! I told ya we shouldnt a tied em to da hood. All dem tree branches smackin into em for da first five miles probably beat em to death!
No, said the doctor. His clothes were ripped to shreds and his body was covered with lacerations, but he might have been able to survive that, too.
See, Walt! I kept tellin ya to hold your end up higher cause dat sapling was too thin. When we tied his hands and legs to it, his head kept hittin da rocks and logs. An Im sure he drowned when we crossed dat crick.
Sh** Stan! You was da one dat dropped your end of the pole when you fell off dat rock. Poor old Elmer musta been unner water a whole minute while you was fumbling around with that pole an fallin all over yaself.
Now fellas, said the doctor. Elmers skull was cracked and he did have massive head injuries. But he didnt drown, and he might have been able to survive that, too.
Stan and Walt looked at each other with puzzled expressions, then asked the doctor, Den what wuz it? The doctor thought for a few moments and said, My guess is that the field dressing probably had a lot to do with it.
Way back in the country one morning, Papa Mole stuck his head out of the mole hole and said, What a beautiful morning! I think I smell sauage and pancakes!
Mama mole sticks her head out of the mole hole and said I agree with you Papa, it is a truly nice morning. And, I smell maple syrup too.
Baby mole could not get his little head out of the mole hole and all he could smell was molasses!
Q: Who wears a forest rangers hat and carries a can of kerosene?
A: Stanislaus the Fire Prevention Bear of the Polish National Forest Service.
A guy in a bar stands up and says, All lawyers are assholes.
Another guy stands up and says Hey…I resent that…
The first guy says, Why? Are you a lawyer?
The second guy says, No. Im an asshole.
A woman is just about to give birth in the hospital when she says to the doctor,
Doc, do me a favor. Tell me what color the baby is as its being born.
The doctor is understandably a little puzzled at this.
Why dont you know what color the child is going to be?
Well, says the woman, the problem is that Im a porno actress and the child was conceived during the making of a film. I have no idea who the father is.
OK, says the doctor, Ill do it for you, but its most unusual.
The baby begins to be born and the doctor says, Here comes the head, it seems to have yellow skin and the eyes are slanted. Was one of the actors Chinese?
Yes, doctor, he was, says the woman.
Wait, says the doctor, the chest and arms are out and they seem to be very dark. Was one of the actors black?
Yes doctor, he was.
Wait, now the legs are out and theyre light brown. Was one of the actors of mixed race?
Yes doctor, he was.
So the doctor pulls the baby free and gives it the traditional slap on the back. The baby lets out a healthy waaaaahh and starts crying.
Oh, thank God for that! says the woman, for a moment there I thought it might bark.
Van un manco, un cojo y un parapléjico al santuario de Lourdes, para ver si allà pueden curarles algo. Cuando llegan al manantial el manco decide meter el muñón en el agua, al rato saca el brazo y ve que tiene la mano completa.
¡Dios mÃo, gracias por este milagro, te rezaré todos los dÃas!
El cojo se queda alucinado y decide meter él también la pierna; al cabo de un rato la saca y dice:
¡Dios mÃo! ¡Milagro, mi pie vuelve a estar en su sitio y con todos sus dedos! ¡Gracias!
Total que el parapléjico dice:
¡Por favor, compañeros, métanme a mi entero en el agua, a ver si yo también me curo!
Sus amigos lo meten con todo y la silla de ruedas dentro del agua y un momento después lo sacan.
¿Qué pasa? ¿Cómo te sientes? ¡Intenta levantarte!
El inválido pretende pararse, pero tras varios intentos se rinde:
No puedo, esto no ha servido de nada.
Y dicen sus amigos:
¿Cómo que no ha servido de nada? ¡Mira tu silla: rines de aluminio, espejo retrovisor y con motorcito!
There was some people an a plane and they threw a appl, and orange, and a bomb out the window. When they landed they decided to go on a walk and there was a boy cyring and they asked why are you crying and he said a apple came out of the sky and hurt my dog, so they went on and saw this girl crying and they asked why are you cryin and the girl said a orange came out of the sky and hurt my cat so they went on and saw a blond laughing and they said whats so funny and she said i farted and the building behind me blew up!!!
At first, you think the Harmless Weirdo is adorably eccentric, offbeat, and intelligent–an iconoclast, really. Yes, he has a few unusual quirks and mannerisms, but hes no boring, cookie-cutter frat boy. In short, hes totally unlike any other man youve ever dated, which strikes you as a good thing.
Your view changes, radically, the evening you proudly introduce him to your friends. In front of everyone you know, your new suitor relates an anecdote about a bus trip he once took that goes on forever and has no apparent pont. THen, when the conversation turns to politics, he hijacks it, launching into a long, unstoppable tirade about the unacknowledged link between diet soda and brain damage. In a moment of sickening clarity, you become aware that you are dating a deeply odd individual. Hes the nerd from chemistry class, traveling incognito thanks to a pair of chinos from the GAP.
Moments after this revelation, you put dumping him on the top of your to-do list. But the Harmless Weirdo isnt exactly attuned to social clues and fundamentally doesnt understand hes being ditched. Long after youve shown him the door, hell still call and drop by with no warning, as though nothing has changed. Although hes not physically threatening, psychologically, hes a menace. Hes a reminder that at times, your judgement can be very poor, indeed.
Q: Why did the cat cross the road?
A: It was the chicken’s day off.
A stagnant science is at a standstill.