Old and New Jokes

Sparky

There was a hooker with a bunch of other hookers. The police came, and said for all of the girls to line up.

The the hookers gramma came and said Why are all of you girls lined up?

The girl didnt want her gramma to know what she did for a living so the girl said Were lined up to buy oranges

The police talked to every girl individually, and when they got to gramma the police said How do you do it, youre so old?!?

Gramma says – Its easy, just peel it down and suck it dry!

lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: I ask you a question, and if you dont know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa.

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, Okay, if you dont know the answer you pay me $5, and if I dont know the answer, I will pay you $50 figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blondes attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: Whats the distance from the earth to the moon?

The blonde doesnt say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, its the blondes turn. She asks the lawyer: What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,

Well, so what IS the answer?


Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

A man was in his bed dying, slipping in and out of consciousness, and his wife came into the room with his doctor and the parish priest.

Mrs. Kelleher, you realize that the bill for my services is $1000, the doctor said.

Fine, Ill see to it that its paid from the insurance.

And, dont forget, Doreen, the funeral and casket will cost $1000, the priest said.

Dont worry, Father, Ill see to it that youre paid as well.

The three walked over to the bed and the doctor stood on one side of the man and the priest stood on the other. He opened his eyes and saw the two men there, and said, Father, would you tell the people at my funeral that I died as Jesus died?

Do you mean pure of heart and poor in spirit, Tom?

No, I mean between two thieves.

After having their eleventh child, a couple from the country
named Bubba and Mary Sue decided that enough was enough,
(they couldnt afford a larger doublewide). So Bubba went
to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he
and his wife/cousin didnt want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed
him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer
can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten.

Bubba later said to Mary Sue, I may not be the smartest man,
but I dont see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next
to my ear is going to help me. So, the couple drove to
Kentucky to get a second opinion. The physician was just
about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when
he noticed they were from Tennessee. The doctor instead told
the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it
in a beer can, hold it up to his ear and count to ten.

Figgerin that BOTH learned physicians couldnt be wrong, Bubba
went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…,
at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs
and resumed counting on his other hand.

They were involved in a TWAIN-wreck.(trainwreck)

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, Youre really doing great, arent you?

The man replied, Just doing what you said Doctor, Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.

The Doctor said, I didnt say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench outside a church on a Sunday morning. They are both dressed in rags, each is holding a top hat, the one has a large cross around his neck and the other a large Star of David. After church, the congregants file out, each placing money in the hat belonging to the beggar with the cross while ignoring the beggar with the Star of David. Soon the hat of the beggar with the cross is overflowing with money while the other beggars hat remains empty.

A priest who has been watching this approaches the bench and says to the beggar with the Star of David around his neck My son, surely you realize you are in a Christian country, in a Christian neighborhood, on a Sunday morning, sitting outside a church? How can you possibly expect anyone to give you any money, especially since you are wearing a large Star of David around your neck?

On hearing this the beggar with the Star of David around his neck turns to the other beggar and says Moshe, can you believe this priest trying to tell us how to run our business!

Santa Singh qualifies for the hot seat in Kaun Banega Crorepati.

AB : I congratulate you for this opportunity

Santa : Oh ji Wahe guru da khalsa wahe guru di fatah. Chak denge phatte

AB : This is your first question for Rs. 1000. Which state has the largest Sikh population ? And
your options are A. Punjab B. Punjab C. Punjab D. Punjab

Santa : Oh ji how much time do I have.

AB : Samay ki koi pabandhi nahi hai

Santa (giggles) : Sir ji, I would like to use my lifeline.

AB : Im not surprised which one would U like to use.

Santa : Audience poll

AB : OK audience please be ready with your voting pads. After a minute we have a graphic
presentation on the board. A. 25% B. 25% C. 25% D. 25% AB : Santa ji, this is a no good situation
for you, Par kya karen…So you would like to go with which option.

Santa : Yeh mere saath hi kyon
hota hai. I think Ive to use my second lifeline – 50 50.

AB : Very good. Man me shanka ho to lifeline zaroor istemal karni chahiye, mein sab ko yehi salah
deta hoon. (whispers in Santas ears… Isi ke to paise milte hain mujhe). OK computer ji do galat
jawab mita diye jayen. Computer displays A. Punjab and C. Punjab

Santa : Wahe guru de kasam mereko third life line bhi chahiye.

AB : Santa ji, I must congratulate you, You have broken a record of using all the lifelines in the
very first question. OK phone a friend – kisko phone karna chahene aap.

Santa : My langotiya yaar., Banta Singh.

AB : OK Banta ko phone lagaya jaye. Aap dono ikkathe he kam karte hai.
Santa : Oh nahi ji ham dono pechle 6 saal se 10th mein fail ho rahe hain. Phone rings.

Banta picks it Hulloooooo, kon hai oye adi raati, ???

AB : Hello, mein Amitabh Bachhan bol raha hoon Kaun Banega Crorepati se.

Banta : OOOOOOOOOO Bachan ji Sasriyakal, koi hor hota to uski to mein ?$^$%$?$%$%$&. Ke hal chal he
sar ji.

AB : Mein thik hoon Banta ji, par ye ek family show hai is liye aap apshabdon ka prayog na karen to
behtar hoga. Aapke dost yahaan bethe hain mere saath aur……………..

Banta (interrupts) : Aur wo sala pehle hi question pe atak gaya hoga, khota hai sala.

AB : Chaliye, i will give you 1 minute as a special case

Santa: Oye bante ke ho raya hai yaar ??

Banta: Oye ullu de dum, saale bahar se taala laga gaya khote. Sawere dud wala aaya si, paise mang
raya si, aur khote tu meri kameez pehen gaya. Sale chakki se aata lana tha, tera baap layega.

AB : Santa ji kya kar rahe hain samay khatam ho raha hai.

Santa: Yes Yes. Oye chod use yaar question hai ……(he tells him the question).

Banta: Saale sari zindagi tere nakal mar ke fail hota raha hoon, par iska answer mujhe aata hai.
Kalank hai tu Punjab ke naam pe. Iska answer Punjab hai lallu.

Santa : Oye par …….(and the clock stops).

AB: Samay Khatam, aapke mitr ne jawab de diya hai, ab to mujhe pakka confidence hai ke aap kam se
kam 1000 to le ke jayenge hi aaj.

Santa: Ullu ka patha, ye to mujhe bhi pata hai par sale ne yeh to batya nahin ke A hai ya C hai.

One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can, This is for ladies! she screamed. The drunk waved his dick at her and said So is this!