Q: How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
A: Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes.
26
Apr
26
Apr
They are Drawing Up Lists of Tax Increases and Cuts in Entitlement Programs. One Target: Big Corporations
26
Apr
Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
Dancing: Why Men Dont Like To.
Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
26
Apr
Warren Commission virus: Wont allow you to open your files for 75 years.
26
Apr
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While hes in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldnt have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, For The Tooth Fairy. 🙂 Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, For Santa. 🙁
11. Take everything out of your house as if its just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While hes in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santas sure to see them. Go outside, yell, Ooh! Look! A deer! And hes got a red nose! and fire a gun.
26
Apr
Entra un hombre al consultorio de un dentista y le pregunta: Cuánto cuesta la extracción?
Con dolor 5,000, sin dolor 2,000.
¿Oiga, no será al revés?
No, no, se lo aseguro.
Bueno, pues que sea sin dolor.
El dentista comienza y le da unos tirones al paciente que empieza a dar unos gritos que dan miedo.
¡AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Perdone, pero como insista dando gritos, se la voy a tener que
cobrar con dolor.
26
Apr
Dos barcos estaban atracados en un puerto. Una embarcación era de Tontilandia y la otra inglesa. Todas las noches desde el barco británico se escuchaba un llamado:
¡Manolo, Manolo, Manolo!
Y un tontilandés respondÃa:
¿Qué pasa?
¡La concha de tu hermana!, replicaban desde el otro barco.
¡Coño, no puede ser! ¡PutÃsima madre!
El hombre del barco inglés continuó con sus llamados y Manolo respondiéndole. Dos semanas después, Manolo harto de esa situación le comenta el hecho al capitán, y éste le aconseja:
Mira, cuando veas gente en el otro barco grita: Smith, Smith, y luego le dices lo que quieras.
Gracias, capitán, agradece Manolo entusiasmado.
Entonces sale a cubierta y grita a todo pulmón:
¡Smith, Smith!
¿Quién lo llama?, preguntan desde la otra nave.
Manolo.
¡La concha de tu hermana!
26
Apr
A guy in Miami who was in charge of the elections in 2000, is fired for the fiasco, so he decides to get into fake money business. Trying to be original, he prints a lot of new 90 dollar bills! He then tries to see if people would know the bills are fake. He enters a shop and goes to the cash:
– Can you please break this 90 dollar bill for me?
– I am sorry sir, I can not, but I will ask the manager. By the way, do you want three 30 dollar bills or two 45 dollar ones?
26
Apr
When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.
26
Apr
Pull the pin and throw it back.