Old and New Jokes

Lets face it — English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins werent invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which arent sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers dont fing, grocers dont grocer and hammers dont ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isnt the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesnt it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didnt preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?

How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?

Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isnt a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

Your favorite cologne smells like exhaust.

The fire department leaves after discovering that the fire that destroyed y.

You think its okay to have your 6 year old babysit your 5, 4, and 3 year o.

Here is a basic descriptions of what may happen if an airplane had a specific operating system running.

OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged–with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.

I read last week how there are more than one million battered women in the United States each year.

All these years Ive been eating them raw.

Un día en la escuela la maestra decidió enseñar sobre materiales en la clase de ciencia; así que les dijo a los niños: Si pudieran tener un material en el mundo ¿cuál sería?

El pequeño Juan levantó la mano y dijo Yo pediría oro, porque el oro vale mucho dinero y podría comprarme un Porsche.

La maestra asintió y le hizo la misma pregunta a Lolita.

La pequeña Lolita dijo, Yo pediría platino porque el platino vale más que el oro y podría comprar un Corvette.

La maestra sonrió y entonces señaló a Pepito. El pequeño Pepito se levantó y dijo, Yo pediría silicón.

¿Por qué Pepito?

Porque a mi mamá le pusieron dos bolsas de silicón y debieran ver todos los autos deportivos que hay frente a nuestra casa…

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.



When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, Sorry, heavens crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you cant get in.



He looks at the teacher, and asks her: What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?

Oh, thats easy, the teacher replied, the Titanic. So St. Peter let her into heaven.



Next he turned to the petty thief. How many people died on that ship? St. Peter asked. Oooh, thats tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1,500. St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.



Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer.

He simply said to him: Name them.

A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.



Who is this incredibly fine archer? cried the duke. I must find him!



After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.



You didnt just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the

middle, did you? asked the duke worriedly.



No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.



That is truly astonishing, said the duke. I hereby admit you into my service. The boy thanked him profusely.



But I must ask one favor in return, the duke continued.

You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.



Well, said the boy, first I fire the arrow at the tree…

…and then I paint the target around it.

Q:How do you know when a man is going to say something smart?

A:When he starts it off with: a woman once told me…

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

119. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.

Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of ones wifes relatives.