Boyles Laws: (1) The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, even in the wrong denomination. (2) When things are going well, someone will inevitably experiment detrimentally. (3) The deficiency will never show itself during the dry runs. (4) Information travels more surely to those with a lessor need to know. (5) An original idea can never emerge from committee in the original. (6) When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly. (7) The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by the paper clip of the overlying correspondence and go to file. (8) Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan. (9) Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects. (10) If not controlled, work will to the competent man until he submerges. (11) The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting. (12) Talent in staff work or sales will recurringly be interrupted as managerial ability. (13) The think positive leader tends to listen to his subordinates premonitions only during the postmortems. (14) Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations. (15) On successive charts of the same organization the number of boxes will never decrease. – Charles P. Boyle, Goddard Space Flight Center, NASA
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
So let me get this straight, the prosecutor says to the defendant, you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man.
Thats correct, says the defendant.
Upon which, continues the prosecutor, you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her.
Thats correct, says the defendant.
Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover? asked the prosecutor.
It seemed easier, replied the defendant, than shooting a different man every day!
I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Lets get you out of those wet clothes.
Nice legs… What time do they open?
Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
Youve got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but Im the only one talking to you.
Im a bird watcher and Im looking for a Big Breasted Bed thrasher, have you seen one?
Im fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight
Wanna play army? Ill lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.
Id really like to see how you look when Im naked.
You might not be the best looking girl here but beauty is only a light switch away.
You must be the limp doctor because Ive got a stiffy.
Id walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
If its true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
(Look down at your crotch) Well Its not just going to suck itself.
You know, if I were you, Id have sex with me.
You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
My name is (name) … remember that, youll be screaming it later.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them?
YEAH BABY YEAH!
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.Care to go upstairs and do it? the husband asked.Shh! said the bride All the neighbors will know what were about to do. These walls are paper thin! In the future, well have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, Have you left the washing machine door open instead?The husband agrees, and the following night asks, I dont suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?No, I definitely shut it, replied the wife, who then rolled over and fell asleep.When she woke up, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?No, thanks, said the husband. It was only a small load so I did it by hand.
* It can be up or down. Its more fun when its up, but hard to get any real work done.
* If you dont apply protective measures, it can spread viruses.
* It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses- and confuses- yours.
* We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
* If youre not careful, it can get you in big trouble.
* Some people have it, some dont
* People who have it would be devastated if it were cut off- and they think those who dont have it want it.
* People who dont have it may agree that its a nifty toy but think its not worth the fuss made about it.
* Once youve started playing with it, its hard to stop.
* Some people would play with it all day if they didnt have to work. Of course, some people do anyways!
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!
As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the companys secret files.
From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over
65. To everyones amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.
After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, The first thing were going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!
Is your computer male or female? As you are aware, ships havelong been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or"Shes listing to starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a group of computerscientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as beingfemale. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow: 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you dont know why Im mad at you, then Im certainly not going totell you". 4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasonsfollow: 1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. 3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model. 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when
Sleepy rushes in and says, Guess what guys, Ive won a trip to see the Pope!
Everyone gets all excited and chants, We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him.
The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!
The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, Do you have a question to ask me, young man?
Dopey looks up shyly and says, Well, yes.
The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask.
Dopey asks, Well, do….do they have nuns in Alaska?
The Pope replies, Well, yes, Im sure we have nuns in Alaska.
The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!
The Pope asks Dopey if theres more to his question, and Dopey continues, Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?
To which the Pope replies, Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes.
Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!
The Pope asks Dopey, Is there still more to your question?
To which Dopey replies, Well, uh, yeah…..are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?
The startled Pope replies, Well, no, my son, I really dont think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska.
At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling…
Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!