Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so…

Q: How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six–four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in.

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.

Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (Dole) When I was a poor boy growing up in Kansas we didnt have light bulbs. Now I have the housekeeper do it.

Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 100-one to announce that it burned out, 10 to agree, 20 to come running in with new light bulbs and screw them in, 9 to screw them in and leave the old bulb in, 10 to ask for a videotape of the screwing, another one to come in a few minutes later and notice the bulb went out again and start the whole process all over again. And one (me!) to notice that this doesnt actually add up to 100.

Q: How many [members of your favorite group] does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, but they have to be *really tiny*.

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.

The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!

The farmer looked puzzled and replied, Whats time to a pig?

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. Ive seen it on T.V.

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

The lions team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.

Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 – 0.

Late in the first half the lions team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lions team led at halftime 7 – 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.

Look you guys. We can win this game. Weve got the lead and they only have one real threat. Weve got to keep the ball away from the rhino, hes a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino.

The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhinos team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

Did you do this? he asked the centipede.

Yeah, I did. the centipede replied.

The lion retorted, Where were you during the first half?

I was putting on my shoes.

A woman is out looking for a pet, and so shes trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, Ive got just the thing for you madam. Ill just get him.

With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. This dog is a special dog, he tells her. It is able to fly, he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.

There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say my, hell eat whatever youve mentioned. Watch. My apple! The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.

Hes cute, and so unusual. Ill take him, she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.

Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today! she exclaims when she gets back home. He can fly!

The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, Fly eh? Ha! My foot!

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. I can hardly believe my eyes! he exclaimed. Thats the smartest dog Ive ever seen.

Nah, hes not so smart, the friend replied. Ive beaten him three games out of five.