Old and New Jokes

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

NOMINEE No.2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo,Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what. police described as a farm-type truck. Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Bums hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns wrapped in the drive shaft.

MEGA MORON AWARDS

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that hed just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.

But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldnt get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldnt bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing: I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone

The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have … a hutch back of Notre Dame.

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

What did you do that for? Asked a passing giraffe.

Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago.

Wow, what a memory commented the giraffe.

Yes, said the elephant, turtle recall.

There was once a very influential farmer in a remote part of China, who had a problem. His chickens were losing their feathers and dying. H sought the counsel of the two wise men in town, Hing, who was scientist, and Ming, who was a sorcerer.

Hing, who has had man advanced course hours in poultry science, consults the classic text in poultry disease, Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask. In the book Hing finds a reference to the report of a study showing that feeding the chickens with an infusion of gum tree leaves is often a remedy for chickens losing their feathers. Meanwhile Ming reads obscure writings of ancient wise men, he meditates, and he reads tarot cards and examines the entrails of a pig. Getting no inspiration he uses his old standby, reading tea leaves. In a spark of discovery, it comes to him that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure.

So the two wise men report back to the influential Chinese farmer. Ming says, As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion of gum tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens. Hing agrees, saying Studies show that infusions of gum tree leaves alleviate feather loss in chickens. The influential Chinese farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town are of a single mind. He decides to follow their recommendation. It does not work.

Moral of the Story: All of Hings courses and all of Ming ken couldnt get gum tea to feather a hen.

Bill was short of money and was out looking for a job. Pastor Nelson offered Bill $500 to buy paint and paint the church. Well Bill went out bough some paint and started painting the church. He discovered that he was using more paint than he expected so the added some thinner to the paint, well it is still covered but not as well as it did at first. Well he still was using more paint than he wanted to use so he added still more thinner to the paint. Well the paint was too thin cover well but Bill still kept on painting. All of a sudden there was a bolt of lighting and a loud voice from the sky proclaimed, Repaint and thin no more.

Theres this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following sign: This parking space belongs to the Wizard. … Violators will be toad.

This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia.

He goes up to one of the guys and says, I want to join the Mafia.

The guy answers, You ever kill any one for money?

Artie answers, No.

The guy says, Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money.

So Artie says, How much will you pay me?

The guy says, Im not gonna pay you.

Artie says, Cmon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in.

The guy says, Okay, Ill tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, Ill pay you a dollar.

Artie says, Oh thank you, thank you! and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that shes lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death.

The bag boy sees him, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he cant out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death.

In the morning paper the headlines read, ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!

Top ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab

4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.

3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.

2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid

1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.