Old and New Jokes

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, The bad news is that now weve caught you and were going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then were going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die.

The Frenchman says, I take ze sword. The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, Vive la France! and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, a pistol for me please. The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, God save the queen! and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, Gimme a fork! The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over–the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, its horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, My God, what are you doing?

And the New Yorker responds, So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!

There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldnt measure the poles while they were laying on the ground? The Aggies replied, we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long.

A cop pulled up two Irish drunks, and asked to the first, Whats your name and address?

Im Paddy ODay, of no fixed address. The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. Im Seamus OToole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.

A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks.

For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.

When you and I get out of here, the jailbird said to the fly. were going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune.

Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate.

At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking. What about this fly, eh? he said to the bartender.

In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper THE EDMONTON SUN, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe.

Glad you saw it, muttered the bartender. Blasted things are everywhere.

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priests collar and says, So youre a priest. Im a rabbi.

Just look at our cars.

There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.

This must be a sign from God!

Pointing to the sky, he continues, God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth.

The priest replies, I agree with you completely.

This must surely be a sign from God!

The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, And look at this!

Heres another miracle!

My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.

Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune.

The priest nods in agreement.

The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.

The priest, baffled, asks, Arent you having any, Rabbi?

The rabbi replies, Nah… I think Ill wait for the police.

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.

When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

Officer, look what theyve done to my Beeeeemer!!!, he whined.

You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!, retorted the officer. Youre so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didnt even notice that your left arm was ripped off!

Oh no!, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.

Wheres my Rolex???!!!

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.

This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

The first blonde answers, Thats easy, well catch him fast because he only has one eye!

The policeman says, Well…uh…thats because the picture shows his PROFILE.

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, Ha! Hed be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!

The policeman angrily responds, Whats the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because its a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds …think hard before giving me a stupid answer.

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, Hmmmm…the suspect wears contact lenses.

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesnt know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. Well, thats an interesting answer…wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and Ill get back to you on that.

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspects file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. Wow! I cant believe it…its TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?

Thats easy, the blonde replied. He cant wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many.

Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, SPEED TRAP AHEAD.

The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign painted TIPS and a bucket of change.

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. Listen, said the shoplifter, I know you dont want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?

Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, Hey, sarge, why did you stop?

The sarge replied, Hes in Georgia now. Theyre an hour ahead of us, so well never catch him.