Old and New Jokes

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom. Suzie wants to go out to my car. Shes really hot, one boy said. Im really nervous. I know Ill goof up!

Take it easy, his friend assured him. All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complemented. Youll have her in the palm of your hand.

About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.

Shit, man! What happened to you?! his buddy asked.

I took your advice.

Didnt you compliment her?

Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too.

It sounds like you were doing great, his friend said.

Well, the other answered, thats when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I paid her another compliment. What did you say? For such a large snatch, it sure doesnt stink much.

Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.

When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said,Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!

This Jewish father wants to send his kid to school, but is not sure where to send him to. Finally he just looks at the brochure from Catholic school and thinks that since its priced reasonable and sounds like a nice place all together, hell try him over there.

His kid goes to school the first semester and comes home with a report card.

His father takes a look, turns to his son and says: -A plus in math??? How in the hell did you pull that off since thats your worse subject?

Well father, the first day I walked into my math class and saw a guy hanging on a wall nailed to the plus sign – I knew they werent mucking around!

I read last week how there are more than one million battered women in the United States each year.

All these years Ive been eating them raw.

A guy from the deep south comes to New York and hes amazed by the indoor plumbing. Hes so intrigued by the way the toilets work that he goes to the Sewage Disposal Plant to check it out.

One of the inspectors shows him to the conveyor belt that carries all the bowel movements. As the piles of shit parade by them, the inspector says, You can tell by inspection who the assorted feces belong to. See that one? Im sure its the turd of a Mexican. See the pieces of taco shell, and the tomato seeds? And this next one is obviously the turd of a Chinaman or a Jap, see the fish eyes and the rice in it? And this next one is surely from a gay man.

The hick says, How can you tell?

The inspector says, Its dented on one end.

There were these three prisoners in a German POW camp, and they were Australian, American, and Irish. The commandant was a real mean prick and he was going to shoot his three captives unless their combined dick length was in excess of 20 inches.

So the three POWs have their cocks measured and it turned out their combined dick length was 20 inches exactly, so they were spared.

Later on the three were talking, and the Australian said Well if it wasnt for my 10 inch dick wed all be dead.

The American says Na, if it wasnt for my 8 inch dick then wed all be dead.

Then the Irishman says If I didnt have a hard on, wed all be dead.

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunks shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, Father, what causes arthritis?

Mister, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man, the priest replied.

Imagine that, the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: Im sorry, I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?

I dont have arthritis, Father, the drunk said, but I just read in the paper that the Pope does!

An Australian goes to buy a condom at a nearby chemist.

The lady behind the counter gives a choice of three types. German, French, and Australian.

Whats the difference, he asks?

Well, the Germans are quite active. They have 7 in the pack. One for Monday, one for Tuesday, and so on. The French are very passionate people. They have 8. One for Monday, and so on, and 2 on Sundays. The Australians, well, they have 12.

At this, the Australian swells up with pride, Really 12?

Yes, 12. One for January, one for February….

A Guy goes into a bar and orders a beer, when the bartender brings his beer the Guy pays him and puts an octopus on the bar The Bartender tells him, get that thing out of here.

The Guy says, No, wait you dont understand. This is no ordinary octopus. This octopus can play any musical instrument you can think of.

The bartender says, Bullshit, no octopus can do that.

The Guy says, No, really Ill bet you one hundred dollars that you cant find a musical instrument he cant play.

The bartender says, OK youre on. Try the piano in the corner.

The Guy takes the octopus to the piano and it played like a pro. The bartender went into the back room and brought out a guitar.

The octopus played a song on it.

The bartender said, OK Im not done yet so he brings out three kinds of horns and a set of drums.

The octopus played them all.

The bartender said, Alright I have one more instrument to try before I give up. He goes in the back and comes out with a bagpipe, and sets it in the middle of the floor.

The octopus gets up on all eight legs and walks around it a couple of times then jumps on it. Then he walks around it a couple more times and jumps up and down on it a few more times.

The bartender says, There I knew I could find one he couldnt play.

The Guy said, Now just wait a minute Hell play it just as soon as he figures out he cant have sex with it.

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.

4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

5. Yours is always the only child who doesnt behave.

6. If the shoe fits…its expensive.

7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

9. Backing the car out fo the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

10. The more challenging the child, the more rewarding it is to be a parent…sometimes.