31
Dec

Twas the night before crisis

Twas the night before crisis,
And all through the house,
Not a program was working,
Not even a browse.

Programmers were wrung out,
Too mindless to care,
Knowing chances of cutover
Hadnt a prayer.

The users were nestled
All snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries
Danced in their heads.

When out in the lobby
There arose such a clatter,
That I sprang from my tube
To see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a Super Programmer,
Oblivious to fear.

More rapid than eagles,
His programs they came
And he whistled and shouted
And called them by name.

On Update! On Add!
On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing!
On Functions Complete!

His eyes were glazed over,
His fingers were lean,
From weekends and nights
Spent in front of a screen.

A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code,
Then he turned with a jerk.

And laying his fingers
Upon the ENTER key,
The system came up,
And worked perfectly!

The updates updated;
The deletes they deleted;
The inquiries inquired;
And the closing completed.

He tested each whistle,
He tested each bell,
With nary an abend,
And all had gone well.

The system was finished,
The tests were concluded,
The clients last changes
Were even included!

And the client exclaimed,
With a snarl and a taunt,
Its just what I asked for,
But its not what I want!

31
Dec

Abbott calling Costello

Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX.

Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program?

Abbott: Yes, thats correct.

Costello: No, what is it?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: So, which is the one?

Abbott: No. which is used to find the program.

Costello: Stop this. Who are you?

Abbott: Use who am i not who r yoo. You can also finger yoo to get information about yoo.

Costello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?

Abbott: Use what.

Costello: Thats what I am trying to find out. Isnt that true?

Abbott: No. true gives you 0.

Costello: Which one?

Abbott: true gives you 0. which programname

Costello: Lets get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?

Abbott: Type find / -name it -print to find it. Type what program to get the revision code.

Costello: I want to find the revision code.

Abbott: You cant find revisioncode, you must use what program.

Costello: Which command will do what I need?

Abbott: No. which command will find command.

Costello: I think I understand. Let me write that.

Abbott: You can write that only if that is a user on your system.

Costello: Write what?

Abbott: No. write that. what program.

Costello: Cut that out!

Abbott: Yes. those are valid files for cut. Dont forget the options.

Costello: Do you always do this?

Abbott: du will give you disk usage.

Costello: HELP!

Abbott: help is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).

Costello: You make me angry.

Abbott: No, I dont make me angry but I did make programname when I was upset once.

Costello: I dont want to make trouble, so no more.

Abbott: No more? which will help you find more. Every system has more.

Costello: Nice help! Im confused more now!

Abbott: Understand that since help is such a small program, it is better not to nice help. and more now is not allowed but at now is. Unless of course now is a file name.

Costello: This is almost as confusing as my PC.

Abbott: I didnt know you needed help with pc. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team.

31
Dec

An IBM acronym

IBM compatible – IBM contemptible

31
Dec

Types of computer viruses

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

31
Dec

Types of computer viruses

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

31
Dec

Redneck computer term

Megahertz – How your head feels after seventeen beers.

31
Dec

Question and answer Christmas joke

Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
A: Because the angel had said, No L!

31
Dec

Question and answer Christmas joke

Q: Did you hear that one of Santas reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
A: Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!

31
Dec

Question and answer Christmas joke

Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.

31
Dec

Question and answer Christmas joke

Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes.