The Latest Report on Windows98: New Error Codes Assigned
Winerr 000 – Unexpected Intelligent User Detected; Please Reload Everything
Winerr 001 – Intimidation Failed; Attempting to Crash Repeatedly
Winerr 002 – Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred (Yet)
Winerr 003 – RAM Depleted; Annex Japan (Y/N)?
Winerr 004 – Deluxe Error. Please Send $75 to Upgrade Your Error
Winerr 005 – Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename
Winerr 006 – Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Fake Crash
Winerr 007 – Alphanumeric Sequence OS2 Prohibited
Winerr 008 – This License Has Expired; Please Purchase Another Copy
Winerr 009 – Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors
Winerr 00A – Non-Microsoft Application Encountered
Winerr 00B – Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for Advertisement
Winerr 00C – Windows Loaded Correctly This Time
Winerr 00D – User Error; Lemming Not Found
Winerr 00E – Open Standard Encountered; Attempting to Redmondize
Winerr 00F – Reserved for Future Coding Errors
Winerr 010 – Virus Error – Other Applications Will Be Closed Instead
Winerr 011 – Orwell Not Found; You Must Use MSN
Winerr 012 – Cash Underflow – Credit Card Number Will Be Assimilated
Winerr 013 – Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down
Winerr 014 – User Error; Reading License Agreement Mandatory to Continue
Winerr 015 – Error Message Deleted
Winerr 016 – Expected Error Did Not Occur; Attempting to Restart Error Sequence
Winerr 017 – Multitasking Attempted; System Confused
Winerr 018 – Network Error – Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations
Winerr 019 – Freedom-of-Choice Error; Select a Microsoft Browser To Continue
Winerr 01A – Insult Detected — Your Bill Gates Joke Will Be Deleted
Winerr 01B – Error Removing Temp File; a Permanent File Will Be Substituted
Winerr 01C – Wrong Disk Formatted. Sorry About That.
Winerr 01D – Mandatory Error Inserted to Meet Error Quota
Winerr 01E – Please Insert Your Favorite Error Here
Winerr 01F – Error In Progress; Please Wait….
Winerr 020 – Unknown Error Occurred But Was Lost. Windows Will Try To Remember
Winerr 021 – Error Parsing Error List; Please Wait For Next Error
Winerr 022 – Upgrade Error; Please Format Your Drive And Reload Everything
After the recent Anti-trust hearings, Bill Gates recently compared the software market with the soft drink market. He says Microsoft is struggling to survive but that the beverage giant will be on top forever because the Department of Justice doesnt pick on them. Of course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We might end up with a scenario like the following:
Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, Id like a Big Mac.
Cashier: Okay, heres your Big Mac and heres your Coke. Thatll be $3.99.
Joe: Uh, I dont want a Coke.
Cashier: Sorry, theyre bundled.
Joe: What? Im not paying for a Coke!
Cashier: You dont; the Coke is free.
Joe: But wasnt a Big Mac $2.49 last week?
Cashier: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. Its got integrated Coke!
Joe: I already bought a Snapple across the street… Im not going to drink the Coke.
Cashier: Then you cant have the burger.
Joe: Okay, fine, I will pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away.
Cashier: Oh, you cant do that. Theyre seamlessly integrated. Totally inseparable.
Joe: How can that be? Theyre two totally separate things!
Cashier: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See?
Joe: Why did you just do that?!
Cashier: Its a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise youd end up with two different, inconsistent tastes. This way youre assured of continuous taste across all your foods.
Joe: Aaarrgh!
Bill Gates compares the computer industry with General Motors
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.
In response to Bills comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single general car default warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say Are you sure? before going off.
Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turn the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as in the old car.
Youd press the start button to shut off the engine.
Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: Thats great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium II-333, with 64 Megs of RAM, a 6 Gig hard drive, and a 32X CD-ROM.
Abbot: Thats terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I dont know what any of it means!!
Abbot: You will in time.
Costello: Thats exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot: Well, I dont know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And youre going to train me.
Abbot: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do you want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot: Thats true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbot: Well Start doesnt actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbot: Start
Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.
Costello: You dont have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! Thats not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-
Costello: Dont say it, Start!
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot: But thats what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Dont be ridiculous.
Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think its about time we started this conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.
10 signs You are an Internet Geek
10. When filling out your drivers license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is Hi, whats your URL?
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. Youre amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You ping people to see if theyre awake, finger them to find out how they are, and AYT them to make sure theyre listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as mylady@home.wife and refer to your children as client applications.
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as my domain server.
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, I feel so colon-right parentheses!
And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: Pizzas Here!
Y2K Status Report…
Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.
We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the Y-to-K date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December
and…:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?
Well await your direction.
INTER OFFICE MEMORANDUM
SUBJECT: Solution to Y2K Problem
Factory Networks is pleased to announce the successful completion of a pilot program that was developed to establish a low-cost solution to the Year 2000 issue. In accordance with the wishes of the our manager, at meeting last week, we have been asked to implement this plan on a group-wide basis ASAP. Our new goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.
There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems
2. Reduction in technical problems
3. Major reduction in software costs.
4. Smaller learning curve for our managers.
As part of our continuing effort to be proactive in our customer relations, we are including the most frequently asked questions from our test group from the pilot phase. We believe that these questions cover approximately 99% of the issued involved with the new systems – though we recognize it is certainly not foolproof since we all know how ingenious fools are. Should you have questions or concerns with this plan, please contact a member of the system administration team and take it up with them.
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firms senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.
Is Mr. Smith there?, asked the client on the phone.
Im very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night, the receptionist answered.
Is Mr. Smith there?, repeated the client.
The receptionist was perplexed. Perhaps you didnt understand me Im afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night.
Is Mr. Smith there?, asked the client again.
Maam, do you understand what Im saying?, said the exasperated receptionist. Mr. Smith is DEAD!
I understand you perfectly, the client sighed. I just cant hear it often enough.
A lawyers dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyers office and asks, if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dogs owner?
Absolutely, the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.
The contents read Consultation: $25.00.
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said Im here cause my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.
Thats quite a coincidence, said the engineer, Im here cause my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.
The lawyer pondered the engineers plight for a moment and, looking somewhat confused, asked, How do you start a flood?