Old and New Jokes

There was a young man and woman who had been flirting with the idea of having sex for some time. One day the girl says to the boy, okay, come to my house for dinner tonite. Afterwards my parents are going out, and you can come back over. Exitedly, the boy went to the drug store to buy some condoms. While looking at the selection the pharmacist comes over and asks the boy if he needs help. um, yeah its kind of my first time, the boy explains. Laughingly, the pharmacist helps the boy out. Later that night the boy comes over for dinner, but he kept his head down the whole time. The girls dad asked him to say grace so he does. with his head still down, he nudges his girlfriend and whispers, you didnt tell me youre dad is a pharmacist!

Emma was a little old lady in a nursing home who would spend the days speeding through the hallways in her wheel chair. Every so often one of the orderlies would say Emma, pull over your speeding again. I need to see your drivers liscense. Emma would pull over, dig around in her pocket, pull out a gumwrapper or other piece of paper and hand it over. The they would tell her Slow down With a giggle she would be on her way careening down the halls. She came squealing around the corner only to find old Joe standing in his doorway with no pants on. Emma pulled over to the side wailing Oh no, not the breathalizer again!

One day a girl came home with 50 dollars and her mother asked where she got it. The girl said, Two men where at school and they told me that they would pay me 50 dollars if I climb the flag pole. So the mother said Honey dont do that they Are just trying to look at your underwear. The next day she came back with 100 dollars. So she said where and it was the same thing. So the mothet said not to. The next day she came home with 500 dollars. And she asked where she got it and it was the same. She said Honey I told not to the times. But the girl said Mommy I was smart I didnt wear any underwear.

The following is rumored to be a real news story.

LADUE ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL PRAISES STUDENT PRANK OFFERING SCHOOL FOR SALE



By Carolyn Bower [St. Louis] Post-Dispatch Thursday, May 25, 2000 | 7:10 p.m.



A classified advertisement that ran this week in the Post-Dispatch offered what seemed like a deal for those seeking a house in the wealthy St. Louis suburb of Ladue.



For sale by owner: 1201 South Warson Road. Open house May 24. Lavish two-story residence, all brick, renovated bathroom, theater/entertainment room, finished basement, intercom system, tennis court and indoor pool. $550,000/offer.



The catch: The property is Ladue Horton Watkins High School. The open house date was the last day of classes for seniors.



Brad Heger, assistant principal at the school, learned about the ad after he arrived at work Monday and listened to his voice-mail messages.



He got dozens of calls on his private line at school about the offer. Heger called those who had left messages and told them that a senior apparently had bought the ad.



I explained to the callers that the ad was a hoax, that we have no bedrooms and quite a payroll to meet.



Heger said the person who designed the ad was a good student who wont be punished. He said the student got most of the details right but priced the property a bit low.



Heger has seen a lot of pranks since he came to the high school in 1974 as a teacher. This one was well thought out, Heger said. It ranks way up there as one of the best.

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, Im not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, Okay, now concentrate… what is two plus two?



The player thought for a moment and then he answered, 4?



Did you say 4?!? the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.



At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, Come on coach, give him another chance!

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, Your first job will be to sweep out the store.

But Im a college graduate, the young man replied indignantly.



Oh, Im sorry. I didnt know that, said the manager. Here, give me the broom – Ill show you how.

A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class. Holding out the young mans assignment, the professor said, Did you write this poem all by yourself?

The student said, Every word of it.



The professor said, Well, then, Im glad to meet you, Mr. Poe. I thought you were long dead.

Theres no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins werent invented in England or French fries in France.



Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which arent sweet, are meat.



We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.



And why is it that writers write but fingers dont fing, grocers dont groce and hammers dont ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isnt the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices?



Doesnt it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through the annals of history but not a single annal?



If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?



If teachers taught, why didnt preacher praught?



If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?



If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?



Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?



Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?



Have noses that run and feet that smell?



Park on driveways and drive on parkways?



How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?



How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?



How can the weather be hot as Hell one day and cold as Hell another?



How you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?



Have you ever run into someone who was dis-combobulated, grunted, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?



You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.



English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isnt a race at all).



That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it!

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. You dont want to try these techniques at home.

Why not? asked somebody from the audience.



I watched my wifes routine at breakfast for years, the expert explained. She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, Hon, why dont you try carrying several things at once?



Did it save time? the guy in the audience asked.



Actually, yes, replied the expert. It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.



The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?



Tommy burst into tears and confessed, I think Mommy ate it!