One day a woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down a road when a bank robbery was happening. Just as she was going passed the bank, she was shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to hospital and they managed to save the lives of her children (two girl sand a boy) and hers. Fourteen years later, one of her daughters came running out of the bathroom and screamed to her mother, she said, Mom, Ive just had a period and a bullet came out.
So her mother sat her down and explained what happened.
A couple of days later her second daughter came running out the bathroom again screaming that she too had a period and a bullet came out. So again, she explained the story.
Finally, a few days later, her only son comes running out of the bathroom.
The mother says, Let me guess. Youve had a crap and found a bullet in the toilet.
No, shouts the boy, Ive just wacked off and shot the dog.
Terminology:
Shotgun – The rightmost front passenger seat in a vehicle, a prime choice for any passenger, since it is the most comfortable seat, and also because of the psychological advantage of not being forced to subserviently look at the back of another persons head during a trip.
Enthronement – The physical presence of a person in the Shotgun position.
By Laws:
Vehicle Ownership
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The owner of a vehicle, if he/she isnt driving, always gets Shotgun in that vehicle. It is their car, it is their seat and they get it. This is a real bonus for an owner who is falling down drunk. They can rest assured Shotgun is rightfully theirs. They wont have to worry about concentrating through an alcohol-induced haze simply to remember to call Shotgun in their own hard-earned car. Once proper Shotgun enthronement rights have been established, they may also be surrendered. If the owner of the vehicle is eligible for Shotgun, but wants to sleep it off in the back seat, then they may give up Shotgun to a person of their choice. The vehicle owner is also the ultimate judge in any Shotgun disputes. Their word is law, and all passengers must defer to the owners interpretation of Shotgun law. Arbitration should be swift and final, so that everyone can be on their way. If the owner is going to stray from the Shotgun Constitution, they must have a good reason for doing so. If the owner is not eligible for Shotgun, any passenger can call Shotgun, but only under the proper conditions.
Legal Conditions for Calling Shotgun
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Shotgun can only be called when the driver is enroute to the vehicle for the purpose of driving immediately, and the Shotgun position is vacant. Shotgun cannot be called upon arrival, only upon departure. For example, a group of travelers may arrive at a restaurant and get out of the car for a meal. Some bone-head might try calling Shotgun immediately for the subsequent ride home, but that is not appropriate. If this kind of precedent were allowed, it would let anyone call Shotgun futures for potential rides into eternity. Only after finishing the meal, when the driver picks up the car keys, is a Shotgun call allowed. Jingling keys is a very strong sign of an Enroute condition. If the driver says lets go that also can be reasonably construed as Enroute. Most Enroute conditions mean that driving will take place within a few minutes, but not always. If the driver of a car turns around on a three hour trail ride, and says lets go home, then an enroute condition exists and Shotgun may be called immediately.
Forcible Dethronement (a.k.a. Physical Challenge)
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There are some people in this world that always remember to call Shotgun. Although this is an admirable trait at first, it quickly grows old. These people tend to be real weenies, and if they knew better, would sometimes let someone else call shotgun just to be a little more diplomatic. The purpose of the Shotgun Constitution is to provide for a peaceful, fair method of getting to ride Shotgun. Unfortunately, if an introverted nerd consistently calls Shotgun ad nauseum, there must be accommodations for that person to be forcibly removed from the seat. Thus the Forcible Dethronement policy. This allows one other passenger (usually larger in stature) to declare Physical Challenge! and pull, push or otherwise eject the previous Shotgun participant from the seat. Although frowned upon if used regularly, this physical challenge is a legitimate means of wresting Shotgun control away from the legal party. Any physical tactics short of grievous bodily injury are employable.
The Dick Clause
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Though not a formal by-law of the Constitution, the Dick Clause is a necessary refinement in semantics. Just because the drivers girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, whoever happens to be in the car, that Significant Other does not get Shotgun by default. Anyone else can legally call Shotgun and force the Significant Other to ride in the back. But then of course that would mean that person is a Dick.
Post-amble
———-
I first drafted the Shotgun Constitution in 1990 while attending Embry-Riddle University in Florida. The Constitution was widely distributed via fax, and steered many young passengers towards a more democratic form of ridership. It is time to resurrect this living document, and to let a new generation of passengers rightfully call SHOTGUN.
If there is any new case law I should be aware of for the Shotgun Constitution, please e-mail me at: andy@hedges.net. I will conduct a judicial review of your case and see whether it merits an amendment to the Constitution.
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket-If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), If you dont have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!
So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy payfor his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. He got into the first cab in the line, How much for a ride to the airport, he asked?
Fifteen bucks, came the reply. And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?
What??? Get the hell out of my cab!!
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions,… with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked How much for a ride to the airport? The cabbie replied fifteen bucks.
The businessman said ok and off they went.
As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.
Rene Descartes walks into a bar, really thirsty and hankering for a cool beer. The bartender, seeing a person of such celebrated status walk in, thinks Ive got to set this guy up with something really nice! So he says to Descartes, Mr. Descartes, would you like a nice snifter of cognac or perhaps some whisky from Scotland? On the house?
Descartes replies, Oh, I think not…and promptly disappears!
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. Its a very handy thing, God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability. Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, Oh, give that to me! Id love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. Itd be so great! When Im working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, Id be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please……… On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee). Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldnt mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was…well, good. Fine, God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. Whats left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms…
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They wont stop to ask directions.
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why dont women blink during foreplay?
They dont have time.
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We dont know; it has never happened.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
When do you care for a mans company?
When he owns it.
What are a womans four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.
What did God say after creating Eve?
Practice makes perfect.
How are men and parking spots alike?
Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
Theyre married.
Man says to God: God, why did you make woman so beautiful?
God says: So you would love her.
But God, the man says, why did you make her so dumb?
God says: So she would love you.
Go Git Yo Mamma
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life.
The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, Paw, Whats at?
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, Son, I dunno. I aint never seen anything like that in my entire life, I aint got no idear what it is.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, Boy, go git yo Momma…
A man was in a bar one evening, when a drunk wandered over, shouting at the man I pulled your mum just now! the sober man just ignored him and carried on drinking.
About half an hour later the drunk wandered over again. This time he said: Your mum just gave me a BJ and swallowed again the man ignored and carried on talking to his mates.
Soon the very drunk man wandered over and shouted at the poor man – I just fucked your mum, using every posistion possible
Eventally the man bored of this idiot, turned around and said Go home dad, youre drunk.
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandits head, and said, Youre under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or Ill blow your brains out. But the bandit didnt speak English, and the Ranger didnt speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Rangers message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.What did he say? asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, He said Screw you, Asshole. You wouldnt dare shoot me.
Whats the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
Hey yall… Watch this!
How To Pick Up A Chick In Arkansas:
Hey Baby! Nice tooth.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
You think the last three words of the national
anthem is start your engines.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
If you refer to the fifth grade as, your senior year.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
You think the stock market has fence around it.
You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the
dump and bring back more than you took.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
Youve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
Your grandfather died and left everything to his
widow… but she cant touch it til shes fourteen.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
The figurines on top your wedding cake were wearing overalls.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
Your favorite restaurant has a sawdust floor
You Might Be A Redneck If…
Youve ever burped and killed a fly
You Might Be A Redneck If…
There were dogs in the church on your wedding day
You Might Be A Redneck If…
Youre saving up to gravel your driveway.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
Youve ever bought a used cap.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
You turn the sprinkler on and tell the kids
its a water park.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
Youve ever had to have a wrecker pull your car
out of a pothole in your driveway.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
Your wedding cake was made by Sarah Lee
You Might Be A Redneck If…
Youve ever had a dream about beef jerky.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
Winn-Dixie catered your wedding.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
Your not actually able to read the Richard Petty Story,
but you sure like to look at the pictures.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
Youve ever tried to pass an entire funeral procession.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
Your driving a vehicle with no original body parts.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
In preparation for a romantic evening, you stop by the
grocery store for a bottle of Mr. Bubble.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
The fireworks stand gives you a volume discount.