Old and New Jokes

Oh Cesium
(Tune, Oh Christmas tree)

Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
Thy spectrum doth us please-ium.
Thy sky-blue lines in plasmas fire,
Do dreams of icy lakes inspire.
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
Thy spectrum doth us please-ium.

Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
When held, you never freeze-ium.
Thy gently smoking silver spheres,
When dropped in water, please the ears.
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
When held, you never freeze-ium.

Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
You put us at our ease-ium.
You tend the seconds of the day,
So that our watches never stray
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
You put us at our ease-ium.

—Songs of Cesium #34

(1) Theres one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?



(2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?



(3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?



(4) Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?



(5) What fruit has its seeds on the outside?



(6) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasnt been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?



(7) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters dw. They are all common. Name two of them.



(8) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?



(9) Where are the lakes that are referred to in the Los Angeles Lakers?



(10) There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls-a walk-is one way. Name the other six.



(11) Its the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?



(12) Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter S.



–> Scroll down for the answers. Dont cheat!



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Answers To Quiz



1. Boxing.



2. Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.



3. Asparagus and rhubarb.



4. Baseball.



5. Strawberry.



6. The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.



7. Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.



8. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.



9. In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they moved west.



10. Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielders choice; and being designated as a pinch runner.



11. Lettuce.



12. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings.



…Well, now you know! Feel any smarter

Once there was this bus which happened to be from Sesamee Street. On the bus were some very strange people with very strange things to do. First there were two identical twins whose names were both Pattie. They were very big and muscular, especially for women. Next there was a man named Ross. He was a extrodinary guy so he was dubbed Special Ross. After that there was a hefty, overweight man named Leonard. Since his cheeks were so puffy people decided to nickname him Leonard Cheeks. Finally, all the people on the bus had bunions at which they feverously picked and scratched.

What do we call this bus filled with strange people? Of course; we call them: Two all-beef Patties, Special Ross, Leonard Cheeks, pickin bunions, on a Sesamee Street bus!

The incredibly dumb

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps its not Walter whos lacking intelligence.

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

NOMINEE No.10 [Associated Press, Kincaid] Blasting Cap Explodes in Mans Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tougue state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it, Payne said. It wouldnt go off and this guy said, III show you how to set it off.

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

NOMINEE No.3 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson. 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, Wash. Biol. Surv. until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.

(Sing along to the tune of Beverly Hillbillies)

Come and listen to my story bout a boy named Bush.
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But that didnt matter cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is.
Criminal record.
Cover-up.

Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.
He cant spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin out with student folk.
And thats when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is.
White gold.
Nose candy.

The next thing you know theres a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, George, stay at home with Mom.
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
Well buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
Cushy, that is.
Country clubs.
Nose candy.

Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, Now the White House is the place I wanna be.
So he called his daddys friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is.
Falwell.
Jesse Helms.

Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said Jeb, give the boy your state!
Dont let those colored folks get into the polls.
So they put up barricades so they couldnt punch their holes.
Chads, that is.
Duval County.
Miami-Dade.

Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in.
Told all the voters Hey, we want George to win.
Stop counting votes! was their solemn invocation.
And thats how George finally got his coronation.
Rigged, that is.
Illegitimate.
No moral authority.

Yall come vote now, ya hear?

One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washingtons ghost in the White House. Bush asks: George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?

Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did, Washington advises.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. Tom, George asks, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?

Cut taxes and reduce the size of government, Jefferson advises.

Bush isnt sleeping well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. Its Abraham Lincolns ghost. Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? Bush asks. Abe answers flatly, Go see a play.

A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking beer and shooting off their guns when they get into an accident with busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight to Hell. When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in agony over the heat and he demands an explanation.

Well, sir, were from Texas, and were used to the heat, says one. This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. Ill check on them in the morning and see how they like THIS. He snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.

The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans camp site, and sure enough they are showing some signs of discomfort. They have taken off their 10 Gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One has even rolled up his sleeves. Well, sir, explains a Texan, when you have been on a cattle drive in Lubbock during August, this aint hardly nothing. The Devil is now so angry he is seeing red.

Those damn Texans seem immune to heat, let s see what happens when I turn OFF the heat, he says as he heads to the thermostat. Ill check on them tomorrow.

So in the morning the Devil arrives at the Texans campsite, and they are all whoopin and hollerin and drinkin the beers from the ice chest in the back of the pick up, now that they have ice to chill them with. The wail of the lost souls is deafening but the Texans are partyin like there is no tomorrow.

I dont get it, the Devil says, completely defeated. I tried to roast you and it had no effect, and then I tried to freeze you and you are partying. You Texans are made of tough stuff. But why are you celebrating?

A Texan takes a swig from a Bud in a longneck and replies, Look around! Hell is frozen over. Thats just gotta mean George Bush got re-elected.