Old and New Jokes

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

Thank you for calling the Motion Picure Association of America. We cant come to the phone right now, as were too busy bribing various politicians to pass laws favorable to us, and over-dramatically pretenting that Hollywod is going out of business because of VCRs and DVD burners.

At the sound of the tone, please scratch all of your DVDs with a key or other sharp object, and proceed immediately to the store to repurchase them over and over.

If you are psychic – think HONK

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

Youre just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

Dont get me mad! Im running out of places to hide the bodies!

You are depriving some poor village of its idiot!

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom

Grow your own dope, plant a man.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

A man crosses the road and asks a stranger, Can you tell me where the other side of the road is?

The stranger replies, Over there.

The man says, Some idiot sent me over here.

Ambivalent? Well yes and no….

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Is it time for your medication or mine?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck

How do I set the laser printer to stun?

Im not tense, just terribly, terribly alert….

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Dont bother me. Im living happily ever after.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be … ?

What did the lady at the beach say to Michael Jackson?

Get out of my sun!

Oh Cesium
(Tune, Oh Christmas tree)

Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
Thy spectrum doth us please-ium.
Thy sky-blue lines in plasmas fire,
Do dreams of icy lakes inspire.
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
Thy spectrum doth us please-ium.

Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
When held, you never freeze-ium.
Thy gently smoking silver spheres,
When dropped in water, please the ears.
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
When held, you never freeze-ium.

Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
You put us at our ease-ium.
You tend the seconds of the day,
So that our watches never stray
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
You put us at our ease-ium.

—Songs of Cesium #34

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

Certainly madam, he replied courteously.

Is the restaurant open still? inquired Mary.

Sorry, no, came the reply, but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please, said Mary.

Certainly madam, he replied.

And can I have breakfast in bed? asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please, Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

Morning madam…sleep well?

Yes, thank you, Mary replied.

Food to your liking?

Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I dont think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho….they really werent that nice at all, replied Mary truthfully.

Oh…well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.

We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion, said the receptionist.

OK, I will…thanks! replied Mary….who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!

(1) Theres one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?



(2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?



(3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?



(4) Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?



(5) What fruit has its seeds on the outside?



(6) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasnt been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?



(7) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters dw. They are all common. Name two of them.



(8) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?



(9) Where are the lakes that are referred to in the Los Angeles Lakers?



(10) There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls-a walk-is one way. Name the other six.



(11) Its the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?



(12) Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter S.



–> Scroll down for the answers. Dont cheat!



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Answers To Quiz



1. Boxing.



2. Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.



3. Asparagus and rhubarb.



4. Baseball.



5. Strawberry.



6. The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.



7. Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.



8. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.



9. In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they moved west.



10. Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielders choice; and being designated as a pinch runner.



11. Lettuce.



12. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings.



…Well, now you know! Feel any smarter

Once there was this bus which happened to be from Sesamee Street. On the bus were some very strange people with very strange things to do. First there were two identical twins whose names were both Pattie. They were very big and muscular, especially for women. Next there was a man named Ross. He was a extrodinary guy so he was dubbed Special Ross. After that there was a hefty, overweight man named Leonard. Since his cheeks were so puffy people decided to nickname him Leonard Cheeks. Finally, all the people on the bus had bunions at which they feverously picked and scratched.

What do we call this bus filled with strange people? Of course; we call them: Two all-beef Patties, Special Ross, Leonard Cheeks, pickin bunions, on a Sesamee Street bus!