Old and New Jokes

1. Quarters are like gold.

2. Be creative in the dining hall.

3. Flipflops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc.

4. You will never find so many excuses for a bucket.

5. Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.

6. New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerrys, Ho-Hos and Oreos

7. Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.

8. Duct tape heals all wounds. (If not, scotch or masking tape will suffice for awhile.)

9. Showers become less important.

10. Sleep becomes more important.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

152. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your…Oh, its just you. Take off the hat, sit, and pout.

A retiring Phys Chem professor was setting his last exam, for a graduate course in statistical thermodynamics. Being a bit bored with it all, and with a well-kept and wry sense of humor, he set a single question on the sheet: Is Hell endothermic or exothermic? Support your answer with proof.

He had little idea what to expect, or how to grade the results, but decided to reward any student who was able to come up with a reasonable and consistent reply to his query. One A was awarded. Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyles Law or some variant. The top student however wrote the following:



First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.



Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyles Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. There are two possible conditions:



Condition One: if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase exponentially until all hell breaks loose.

Conversely, Condition Two: if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.



We can solve this with the 1990 postulation of Theresa LeClair, the girl who lived across the hall from me during my first year residence. Since I have still not been successful in obtaining sexual relations with her, condition two above has not been met, and thus it can be concluded that condition one is true, and hell is exothermic.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in just for a couple of weeks.

Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes.

15 minutes looking for assignment.

11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.

23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.

8 minutes in the bathroom.

10 minutes getting a snack.

7 minutes checking the TV Guide.

6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.

10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.

All marriages are happy–its the living together afterward that causes all the problems.

Suzie went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions, but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.

Finally he asked, Do you ever watch your husbands face while youre having sex?

Well, yes, I did once, answered Suzie.

Well, how did he look? asked the shrink.

Very angry.

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, Well Suzie, thats very interesting. We must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only ever seen your husbands face once during sex? That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?

Suzie replied, He was looking through the window at us.

To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother–I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.

There were these three couples; one elderly, one middle aged, and one newly-wed that wanted to join the church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained, and they replied, Yes, no problem! So the minister says, Welcome to the church! Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question, and they said, Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it! So the minister says to them, Welcome to the church! Then the minister asks the newly wed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks. The husband says, We were unable to abstain, on the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me. So the minister says, Im sorry, but you are both banned from this church! To this the husband replies, Thats O.K., we cant go back to Safeway, either.

Disclaimer: Even my wife doesnt agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers dont love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions.