Old and New Jokes

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, its a police roadblock!! Were gonna get busted fer drinkin these here beers!!

Dont worry, Bubba, Earl said. Well just pull over and finish drinkin these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.

What fer?, asked Bubba.

Just let me do the talkin, OK?, said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, You boys been drinkin?

No, sir, said Earl while pointing at the labels. Were on the patch.

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number twos hand.

Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, What is this? to which lawyer number one replies, Its that $50 I owe you.

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, Tonight Im the designated decoy.

Youre so fat, you jumped in the air and got stuck.

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit
Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The
country is totally ruined and the government doesnt know where to
start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.. Other Latin American countries are sending
supplies.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America!

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

Thank you for calling the Motion Picure Association of America. We cant come to the phone right now, as were too busy bribing various politicians to pass laws favorable to us, and over-dramatically pretenting that Hollywod is going out of business because of VCRs and DVD burners.

At the sound of the tone, please scratch all of your DVDs with a key or other sharp object, and proceed immediately to the store to repurchase them over and over.

A man crosses the road and asks a stranger, Can you tell me where the other side of the road is?

The stranger replies, Over there.

The man says, Some idiot sent me over here.

Ambivalent? Well yes and no….

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Is it time for your medication or mine?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck

How do I set the laser printer to stun?

Im not tense, just terribly, terribly alert….

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Dont bother me. Im living happily ever after.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be … ?

What did the lady at the beach say to Michael Jackson?

Get out of my sun!