Old and New Jokes

A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with ones own opinion.

The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.

Defunct Operating System

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and Ill tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and most days the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isnt there the first time, chances are you wont be needing him again.

I dont have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the fuck is the ceiling?

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I dont suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everyone is someone elses weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

Dont be irreplaceable – if you cant be replaced, you wont be promoted.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Compact home incinerator used for the disposal of bulky
pieces of meat and poultry.

A person who believes he is everything you
know you are.

This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for Termination without Cause. Actual dialogue of a former Word perfect Customer Support employee:

Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?

Yes, well, Im having trouble with WordPerfect.

What sort of trouble?

Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

Went away?

They disappeared.

Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Its blank; it wont accept anything when I type.

Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

How do I tell?

Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

Whats a sea-prompt?

Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

There isnt any cursor: I told you, it wont accept anything I type.

Does your monitor have a power indicator?

Whats a monitor?

Its the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when its on?

I dont know.

Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

Yes, I think so.

Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if its plugged into the wall.

…….Yes, it is.

When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

No.

Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

…….Okay, here it is.

Follow it for me, and tell me if its plugged securely into the back of your computer.

I cant reach.

Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?

No.

Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

Oh, its not because I dont have the right angle – its because its dark.

Dark?

Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Well, turn on the office light then.

I cant.

No? Why not?

Because theres a power outage.

A power… A power outage? Aha, Okay, weve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing suff your computer came in?

Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

Really? Is it that bad?

Yes, Im afraid it is.

Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

Tell them youre too stupid to own a computer.

Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have
to find their own place. See Cute, Enchanting, and Good Starter Home.

An event at which the minutes are kept and the
hours are lost.