Old and New Jokes

40-ish… 52 and looking for 25-year-old.

Athletic… sits on the couch and watches sport.

Average looking… unusual hair growth on ears, nose and back.

Educated… will always treat you like an idiot.

Free spirit. . . sleeps with your sister.

Friendship first… as long as friendship involves nudity.

Fun… good with a remote and a six-pack.

Good looking… arrogant.

Honest… pathological liar.

Huggable… overweight, more body hair than a bear.

Likes to cuddle… insecure, overly dependent.

Mature… until you get to know him.

Open-minded… wants to sleep with your sister but shes not interested.

Physically fit.. . I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself.

Poet… has written on a toilet wall.

Spiritual… once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday.

Stable… occasional stalker, but never arrested.

Thoughtful… says please when demanding a beer

Q:hear about the carrot that died??



A:there was a big turnup at the funeral

Q: How did the blond burn her ear?
A: The phone rang while she was ironing.

Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?

A: Nice tits!

This place looks like the wizard of oz on mesciline.

Have you noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful, but it only makes your life more complicated?

I heard a story about a mother who was sick in bed with the flu. Her darling daughter wanted so much to be a good nurse. She fluffed the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then she even showed up with a surprise cup of tea.

Why, youre such a sweetheart, the mother said as she drank the tea. I didnt know you even knew how to make tea.

Oh, yes, the little girl replied. I learned by watching you. I put the tea leaves in the pan and then I put in the water, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a cup. But I couldnt find a strainer, so I used the fly swatter instead.

You what? the mother screamed.

And the little girl said, Oh, dont worry, Mom, I didnt use the new flyswatter. I used the old one.

When kids try their hardest and they get it all wrong in spite of themselves, whats a parent to do? What mothers and fathers often do is prevent their children from carrying any responsibility that could result in a mess or a mistake. Its just easier to do everything for them than to clean up afterward. But I urge parents not to fall into that trap.

Your child needs his mistakes. Thats how he learns. So go along with the game every now and then … even if the tea you drink tastes a little strange.

— Dr. James Dobson

Child psychologist

While traveling through Antigo, Wisconsin, our family stopped in a local restaurant for a brief respite while driving. My father ordered 2 cups of coffee for himself and my mother. My mother, after tasting the coffee, looked at my father and they each grimaced at each other. Looking around, my father noticed a sign above the back corner which said, Dont knock our coffee, you may be old and weak yourself sometime.

Bill is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Bill just dates and dates.

Finally a friend asks him, Whats the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Cant you find anyone who suits you?

No, Bill replies. I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesnt like them. So I keep on looking!

Listen, his friend suggests, Why dont you find a girl whos just like your dear old Mother?

Many weeks go by and again Bill and his friend get together. So Bill. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One thats just like your Mother?

Bill shrugs his shoulders, Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends.

So are you and this girl engaged, yet? Im afraid not, my Father cant stand her!

A: Thats not funny!!!

You might be a redneck if…
Your biggest ambition in life is to "git thet big ole coon. The one what hangs round over yonder, backah Bubbas barn…"