Women always get to clean it

These tagline are in the Tom Swifty tradition of humor:

You tell em Bald Head, youre smooth.
You tell em Banana, youve been skinned.
You tell em Bank, youre safe.
You tell em Bean, Hes stringing you.
You tell em Brake, youve got the drag.
You tell em Butcher, youve got a lot of tongue.
You tell em Cabbage, youve got the head.
You tell em Cat, Thats what youre fur.
You tell em Chloroform, you can put them to sleep.
You tell em Church Bell, I told you.
You tell em Clock, youve got the time.
You tell em Dentist, youve got the pull.
You tell em Hard-Boiled Egg, youre hard to beat.
You tell em June, And dont July.
You tell em Manicurist, Ive been trimmed.
You tell em Mountain, Im only a bluff.
You tell em Operator, youve got their number.
You tell em Printer, Im not your type.
You tell em Railroad, Its not along my line.
You tell em Skyscraper, you have more than one story.
You tell em Teacher, youve got the class.

I had the strangest dream last night, a man was telling his psychiatrist. I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. As you can imagine, I found this very disturbing. In fact I woke up immediately, and couldnt get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream.

The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: A Coke? Thats a breakfast?

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed
couple wanted to join a church. The Pastor said, We have special requirements
for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The Pastor went to the
elderly couple and asked, Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?
The old man replied, No problem at all, Pastor. Congratulations! Welcome to
the church! said the Pastor.

The Pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, Well, were you able to
abstain from sex for the two weeks? The man replied, The first week was not
too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but,
yes, we made it. Congratulations! Welcome to the church! said the Pastor.

The Pastor went to the newlywed couple and asked, Well, were you able to
abstain from sex for two weeks? No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex
for the two weeks, the young man replied sadly. What Happened? inquired the
Pastor. My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of
her right there. You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome
in our church, stated the Pastor. We know, said the young man, Were not
welcome at the SuperSaver anymore either.

What do blondes and cow shit have in common? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Two nuns are riding on a motorcycle.

The one in back says to the driver, Sister Mary Ellen, have you ever come this way before?

The one in front replies: No! It must be the cobblestones!

and then there was…

Two nuns where in the shower.

One says Wheres the soap?

The second says Yes it does doesnt it

Se encuentran tres pastores discutiendo acerca de cuánta inteligencia y cómo la aplicaban sus respectivos perros. El primero expone:

El perro que yo tengo es de lo más peculiar: al terminar el trabajo encierra a las ovejas y les da comida; además, me vigila la casa con paso marcial durante toda la noche.

El otro dice:

El perro que yo tengo sí que es de lo más original: al terminar el trabajo encierra a las ovejas y les da comida; vigila la casa durante toda la noche; además, lava la ropa y me blanquea la casa una vez al año.

El siguiente, con lágrimas en los ojos replica:

El perro que yo tenía… (snif)

¿Que pasó? ¿Se murió?

…Electrocutado

¿Fue por un rayo?

No. Arreglándome el televisor.

A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home.

Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers, the son said. It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity.



Oi vey, replied the father, what have I done. So in the tradition of the patriarchs he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. It is amazing that you should come to me, stated his friend, I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian.



So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the Rabbi. It is amazing that you should come to me, stated the Rabbi, I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to the Lord, said the Rabbi.



They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed the clouds above opened and a mighty voice stated, Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel…

Youve ever called education a luxury.

At a friends wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.

The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, I was just trying to be a good ring bear.