Bill Clinton and Hillary were travelling in a car.
They stopped at a filling station. They saw Hillarys young lover there. Bill said to hillary if you were still with him, you were the wife of a filling station owner.
Hillary said NO! Then he would be the president of United States
During Sabbath services the Rabbi kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, Before you oh Lord, I am nothing.
The Cantor looks at him, thinks it couldnt hurt, and kneels, puts his forehead to the floor, and says, Before you oh Lord, I am nothing.
Ben Shapiro in the fifth row is watching this and thinking that it was a pretty good idea, so he goes in the middle of the aisle, kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, Before you oh Lord, I am nothing.
The Rabbi nudges the Cantor. Look who thinks hes nothing!
A man speaks frantically into the phone, My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!
Is this her first child? the doctor queries.
No, you idiot! the man shouts. This is her husband!
You might be a redneck if it takes two twinkies, a beer and your sister to get to second base.
It has a spring in it
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems okay, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems okay, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right? they ask.
Its pretty nice, she replies, except they wont let you fart.
Resume Bloopers from Robert Half: (These are real examples from real
resumes)
–Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: –Responsibility makes me nervous.
–They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
Couldnt work under those conditions.
(this from Alan, one of my coworkers)
REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:
–Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as
cockroaches.
–I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
–The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous
employers.
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
–While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly
disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the
experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to
ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial
management as the major sphere of responsibility.
–I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
–Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer
does not know I am looking for another job.
–My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
–I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
–Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
–Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
–Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
–Work Experience: Dealing with customers conflicts that arouse.
–Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
–Im a rabid typist.
–Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.
A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things – chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea. Why dont you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?
This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.
After a few hours, the nephew returned.
How did you enjoy that? asked the uncle.
It was great! exclaimed the nephew. Got any more dogs?
Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the mens game.
Dont they know theyre supposed to let us play through? asked the first man. The other man shook his head. Im going to go ask them if we can play through, said the first man, emphatically, Enough is enough.
He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.
Oh God, he said to his friend, This is awful. Youre going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress.
The other man shrugged, and said No sweat. He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said, Small world!
A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron.
He turned to her and said, This is a special day, Im celebrating.
What a coincidence, said the woman, Im celebrating, too. She clinked glasses with him and asked, What are you celebrating?
Im a chicken farmer, he replied. For years all my hens were infertile, but today theyre
finally fertile.
What a coincidence, the woman said. My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me Im
pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile? she asked.
I switched cocks, he replied.
What a coincidence, she said.