Old and New Jokes

Why did they stop doing the wave at BYU?

Too many blondes were drowning.

En plan de confidencia, Manolo le comenta a Venancio:

Oye, Venancio, sabes que mi mujer me ha engañado con un gallo.

¡Jo! ¿Y cómo sabes?

Porque he encontrado las plumas debajo de la cama.

¡Hombre, entonces mi mujer me engaña con un camión, porque he encontrado al chofer debajo de la cama.

Do you know the difference between a good year and 365 used condoms?

Answer: A fucking good year!!!!!

Michael Jordan will make over $300,000/game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game.

Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year,hell be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!

Assuming he sleeps 7 hrs a night, he makes $52,000 every night.

If he goes to a movie, hell pay $7.00, but hell make $18,550.

Hell make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000), it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, youd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

Next year, hell make more than 2X as much as past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isnt it?

…

BUT:

JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO HAVE A NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES.

Bill Clinton was in an airplane and he told to his friend: You know, if a throw this 1000 bill, i could make very happy 1 man.

His friend told him:yes, but if you drop 2 bills of 500 you could make happy 2 guys.



One man who was listening all told them:thats true, but if I throw you both, i could make happy all the nation.

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, Your first job will be to sweep out the store.

But Im a college graduate, the young man replied indignantly.

Oh, Im sorry. I didnt know that, said the manager. Here, give me the broom back and Ill show you how it works.

John receives a phone call.

Hello, he answers.

The voice on the other end says, This is Susan.

We met at a party about 3 months ago.

John: hmmm… Susan? You say we met 3 months ago?

Susan: Yes, it was at Bills house. After the party gave me a ride home. On the way home, we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport.

John: Oh, yeah! Susan! How are have you been?

Susan: Well, Im pregnant and Im going to kill myself.

John: Say, you really ARE a good sport!

A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression.

On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like HONDA. The man was besides himself. Every few minutes HONDA, HONDA….

Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physicians aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out.

Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist. Well, although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway.

Lo and behold, the dentist said, Ah, theres the problem! What is it? the man asked. Why you have an abscess, said the dentist. An abscess? How could that be causing my problem? asked the man. Thats easy, replied the dentist. Why everyone knows…

Abscess makes the fart go Honda! (peeeeeeeeyeeeeeeeeew…hahahahahah)

A guy goes to the doctor with a mysterious pain and tells the doctor,

Doctor, my penis has been burning lately.

And the doctor said reassuringly, Dont worry son, that just means someone is talking about it.

From a document submitted and published in the Congressional Record on October 1, 1974, by Representative Craig Hosmer[R-California]. The author chose to remain anonymous.

Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.

Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.

Republicans consume three fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out.

Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes.

Democrats give their worn out clothes to those less fortunate.

Republicans wear theirs.

Republicans employ exterminators.

Democrats step on the bugs.

Democrats name their children after currently popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers.

Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.

Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful.

Neither are Republicans.

Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should.

Democrats ought to, but dont.

Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.

Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.

Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car windows by Democrats.

Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows.

Democrats raise Airedales, kids, and taxes.

Democrats eat the fish they catch.

Republicans hang them on the wall.

Republican boys date Democratic girls.

They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel that theyre entitled to a little fun first.

Democrats make plans and then do something else.

Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.

Republicans sleep in twin beds–some even in separate rooms.

That is why there are more Democrats.