On one of his first nights in the White House, Dubya is awakened by the ghost of George Washington. Bush is frightened, but asks: George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? Washington advises him: Be honest above all else and set an honorable example, just as I did. This makes Bush uncomfortable, but he manages to get back to sleep. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. Tom, Dubya asks, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? Jefferson replies, Throw away your prepared remarks and speak eloquently and extemporaneously from your heart, Jefferson advises. Bush isnt sleeping well at all the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. Its Abraham Lincolns ghost and Dubya thinks finally, a Republican, Ill get some advice that I can use. Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? Bush asks hopefully. Abe answers: Go see a play.

Tom and Jeni are having one of their occasional disputes of opinion. Tom took off his pants and threw them at Jeni, yelling, Hey, woman, can you fill these pants up?

Of course not, you jerk. You know I cant. Youre right. You cant. I wear the pants in this family.

So Jeni took off her panties and threw them at Tom, yelling, Hey, jerk, can you get into these panties?

Hell no! Theyre too small and dainty! And you wont either, until you change your treatment of me!

A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She gets rushed to the hospital where she gets fixed up.

As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor says, Youre going to have triplets. Theyre fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Dont worry though the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism.

As time goes on the woman has three children. Two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says, Mommy, Ive done a very weird thing.

Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies, I passed a bullet into the toilet.

The woman comforts her and explains all about the incident at the bank.

A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. Mommy, Ive done a very bad thing.

The mother says, Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?.

The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, Yes. How did you know?.

The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank.

A month later her son comes up and says, Mommy, Ive done a very bad thing.

The mother says, You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?.

The son replies, No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog!

When you call the front desk and say, I gotta leak in my sink, and the front desk replies, Go ahead.

Goldie Cohen, an elderly Jewish lady from New York, goes to her travel agent. I vont to go to India.

Mrs. Cohen, why India? Its filthy, much hotter than New York, its filled to the brim with Indians.

I vont to go to India.

But its a long journey, and those trains, how will you manage? What will you eat? The food is too hot and spicy for you. You cant drink the water. You must not eat fresh fruit and vegetables. Youll get sick: the plague, hepatitis, cholera, typhoid, malaria, G-d only knows. What will you do? Can you imagine the hospital, no Jewish doctors? Why torture yourself?

I vont to go to India.

The necessary arrangements are made, and off she goes. She arrives in India and, undeterred by the noise, smell and crowds, makes her way to an ashram. There she joins the seemingly never-ending queue of people waiting for an audience with the guru. An aide tells her that it will take at least three days of standing in line to see the guru.

Dats OK, Goldie says.

Eventually she reaches the hallowed portals. There she is told firmly that she can only say three words.

Fine, she says.

She is ushered into the inner sanctum where the wise guru is seated, ready to bestow spiritual blessings upon eager initiates. Just before she reaches the holy of holies she is once again reminded: Remember, just three words.

Unlike the other devotees, she does not prostrate at his feet. She stands directly in front of him, crosses her arms over her chest, fixes her gaze on his, and says: Sheldon, come home.

A mother was having dinner with her two young children when her three year old daughter asked her why there were two holes in your nose.

Her four year old son quickly responded with, So you can still breath when you pick your nose!

Studies have concluded that the doggie style is the most popular one for married couples. The husband sits up and begs- and the wife rolls over and plays dead

20. Thats weird.
19. Its never done that before.
18. It worked yesterday.
17. How is that possible?
16. It must be a hardware problem.
15. What did you type in wrong that made it crash.
14. There is something wrong with your data.
13. I havent touched that module for a month.
12. You must have the wrong version.
11. Its just a coincidence.
10. I cant test everything!
9. THIS cant be the source of THAT!
8. It works, but it hasnt been officially tested.
7. Somebody has changed my code.
6. Are you sure you dont have a virus in your system?
5. Even though it doesnt work, how does it FEEL?
4. You cant use THAT version on YOUR system.
3. Why do you want to do it that way?
2. Where were you when this program blew up?

   And the number one comment was:

1. I thought sure I fixed that!

The dazzling coed sat perched on her stool, at the local hangout, as the young man sat beside her. Following the usual small talk, he made his move. Tell me, would you sleep with a total stranger for a million dollars?

Well, yes, I guess I would. she replied.

Would you sleep with me for ten dollars? he went on.

Ten Dollars??? What kind of girl do you think I am ? she huffed.

Weve already established that. he shot back. All were doing now is haggling over the price.

The following is another goodie related to me by my mom years ago. Its another one of those thats just a little too good to be true. Though the veracity may be questionable, its a great story.

Preface: Policemen, firefighters, etc. used to have annual dinner-dance type affairs (they were referred to as The Policemans Ball, etc) to raise money for the local constabulatory. The individual officers were responsible for selling tickets to the event to those on their beat.

And now, the story:

A woman was driving down the road one day only to find herself behind a horse trailer being pulled by a pick-up truck. As they were driving along, the back door of the horse trailer came loose and swung open, exposing the rear end of the horse inside.

Eventually, gastric and bowel processes completed, the horses tail lifted and – voila – the womans windshield was covered in horse stuff.

Now the womans first instinct was, of course, to turn on the windshield wipers. Unfortunately, this only made the situation worse and as the woman tried to gain control of the car and keep it on the road, she heard a siren.

Craning her neck out the window to steer the car onto the shoulder, she noticed that the siren was sounding from directly behind her and followed her onto the shoulder.

Sitting in her car, trying to regain her composure, a state trooper came alongside and asked the woman for her license and registration. Now, it was readily apparent from even a cursory glance, what had happened to the windshield of the womans car and she was shocked that the trooper appeared so callous and had not even enquired as to her safety.

What do you want my license and registration for? asked the woman.

You were driving erratically, replied the state trooper.

Now, almost apoplectic, the woman began fumbling through her purse. As she presented the requested documents to the state trooper she asked, sarcastically, I suppose you want to sell me a ticket to the state troopers ball, also.

The state trooper fixed her with a long, hard gaze, drew himself up to his full height and replied, Maam. State Troopers dont have balls!

After a momentary pause, the troopers face turned several shades of red. He handed back her license and registration, strode back to his car and drove off.