Old and New Jokes

The bell-ringer for the church had just passed away, so the priest was looking for someone new to ring the bell. Then one day this man comes out of nowhere and starts banging on the door. The priest opens the door and sees that the man has no arms. The priest asks him, "How can you ring the bell?" The man said, "Let me show you." They went up to the bell and the man started hitting the bell with his head. The bell starts to swaying and the man misses, then he goes flying through the window. Two more priests come running and ask, "What happened? Who was that?" The second man said, "I dont know but that face sure rings a bell."

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, Those must be deer tracks! The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks! The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"
They where still arguing 10 mins. later when a train hit them!

A couple were in bed after celebrating their golden anniversary. The wife Said, Darling, embrace me the way you used to when we first got Married. He did.

Now kiss me the way you used to…

Now darling, bite me the way you used to.

At this point the husband got out of bed and the wife said, Where are you going dear?

To get my teeth, dear, the husband replied.

A friend of mine told me this story about his sister,
a veterinarian, who had to visit the doctor. The doctor asked
her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they
been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:

Hey look, Im a vet–I dont need to ask my patients these kind
of questions: I can tell whats wrong just by looking. Why cant you?

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription,
and handed it to her, with the words: There you are. Of course,
if that doesnt work, well have to have you put down.

Toasters are an often overlooked part of life. But their importance is great! A good toaster which evenly toasts the bread to the perfect light browness of delectablity is worth its weight in gold and if it can do bagels, look out! The question is what if the BIGGIES IN TECHNO made toasters? If IBM made toasters…
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Xerox made toasters…
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you. If Radio Shack made toasters…
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster. If Oracle made toasters…
Theyd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home youd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant extension was years away, and that indeed the whole toaster was just blowing smoke. If Sun made toasters…
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java. Does DEC still make toasters?…
They made good toasters in the 80s, didnt they? If Hewlett-Packard made toasters…
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. If Tandem made toasters…
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one. If Thinking Machines made toasters…
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time. If Cray made toasters…
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world. If The Rand Corporation made toasters…
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their ser

Last Name: ________________ First Name (select one):
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-JackAge: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed

Spouses Name: __________________________Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___Number that are yours: ___

Mothers Name: _______________________Fathers Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

__ Total number of vehicles you own
__ Number of vehicles that still crank
__ Number of vehicles in front yard
__ Number of vehicles in back yard
__ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shedModel and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun___ Number of times youve seen a UFO

___ Number of times youve seen Elvis

___ Number of times youve seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/ABrand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)dont know

My mom gave me this dollar. Oh boy!
Then my friend offered me two quarters for it. Two for one. My friend sure is an idiot.

Men have many faults,

Women only two.

Everything the say,

and everything they do.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister,When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, Ill contact you to drive out after me and haul it home. The brunette arrives at the mans ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that Ive bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home. The telegraph operator explains that hell be glad to help her, then adds, Its just 99 cents a word. Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that shell only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, I want you to send her the word, comfortable. The telegraph operator shakes his head. How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, comfortable?" The brunette explains, My sisters blonde. Shell read it slow.

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com

A womans husband had been slipping in and out of acoma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to,he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what?You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there tosupport me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you werestill by my side… You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."