Old and New Jokes

The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and theyre only twenty years old.

You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.

You think doctorin involves mammas sewing kit and a jug.

The strongest smell in your house is butane.

Your dog passes gas and you claim it.

You think paprika is a Third World country.

None of your shirts cover your stomach.

Your wife has ever said, Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

You own a homemade fur coat.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You have the local taxidermists number on speed dial.

Your school fight song was Dueling Banjos.

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

Youve ever given rat traps as gifts.

You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

Your mother has ammo on her Christmas list.

The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

A new priest was beginning in the Church confessional. His predecessor had given him a list of sins and their punishments.

The door opened and a man entered. Forgive me Father for I have sinned, he began. I have stolen.

The priest looked up stealing on the list and told him to say one Hail Mary.

The next time the door opened, a woman walked in. Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I had oral sex with the window cleaner.

The priest looked up oral sex on the list but couldnt find it. He opened his door and called out to the cleaning lady, What does Father John give for a blow job?

$12.50 if I take me teeth out.

A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming. He panicked and started to pray, God, please get my foot out of these tracks and Ill stop drinking!

Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed again, God, please get my foot out and Ill stop drinking AND cussing!

Still nothing … and the train was just seconds away! He tried it one more time, God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, Ill quit drinking, cussing, smoking and having sex with all the women I meet.

Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed! He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said Thanks anyway God, I got it myself.

A game warden stops a duck hunter at the end of a days hunt and asks to check his birds. The hunter says, Sure, go right ahead.

The warden picks up the first duck puts his finger up its ass and smells it and says, This is a Utah duck. Do you have a Utah license? The man pulls out his wallet and shows him his Utah license.

The warden picks up the second duck puts his finger up its ass, smells it and says, This is a Wyoming duck. Do you have a Wyoming license? The man shows him his Wyoming license.

The warden then picks up the third duck sticks his finger up its ass and says, This here is a Colorado duck. Do you have a Colorado hunting license? The hunter shows him his Colorado hunting license.

The game warden says, You sure do carry a lot of hunting licenses with you. Where you from anyway?

The hunter drops his drawers bends over and says, Youre so damn smart, you tell me!

In dieting news, Monica Lewinsky is the new spokes-model for the Jenny Craig dieting system. Pictures are being shown of a pre- and post-Jenny Craig Monica.

A second round of advertising will be showing her dress, before and after the dry-cleaning. I dont know what the ad slogan is going to be for this particular campaign, but I suspect that it will not be as tasteless as it should be.

Monicas Jenny Craig diet tip #1: Taste, but dont swallow.

Tip#2: If you cant remember the name of the President, dont worry as it is on the tip of your tongue.

Tip#3: As you go down, so will your weight.

Tip#4: There are other choices, the only thing you shouldnt blow is your diet.

And finally tip#5: Dont be a sucker for other diet plans, go to Jenny Craig.

I guess it is the lure of money that brought Monica to Jenny Craig … She is already known for keeping up with the Johnsons, so it is time to keep up with the Jones.

(c)2000 The Reverend Shayne Dark

Two chaps were high and driving the car.

Seems we are reaching the city.

How do say so?

The no of people colliding with our car has increased!

Then why dont you stop the car?

What do you mean? You are driving the car!

Man is in traffic court . His defense goes like this.. Your honor, its not fair. I was in a whole gaggle of cars all going the same speed, and this policeman singled me out. Judge says, Is this true, officer? Officer replies, Well, Maam, I flashed my lights, sounded my siren, blew the horn, and hes the only one who pulled over.

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

Why are you eating grass? he asked one man.

We dont have any money for food, the poor man replied.

Oh, come along with me then, instructed the lawyer.

But, sir, I have a wife and two children!

Bring them along! replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, Come with us.

But sir, I have a wife and six children! the second man answered.

Bring them as well! answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall.

American Express: Dont leave home without it!

Russian Express: Dont leave home!

China Express: Dont come home!

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan, when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore. At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

Look, she said, I went along with the blowjob, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!