The soldier serving overseas, far from home, was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with the following note:
I regret that I cannot remember which one is you – please keep your photo and return the others.
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, Ill do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young womans hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, Paint my house!
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk youd better be delivering a package, because youre sure not picking anything up.Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughters body, I will remove them.Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please dont take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete moroffs. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my Binford electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.Rule Four: Im sure youve been told that in todays world, sex without utilizing a barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is, early.Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daught
Your mommas so fat that, when she puts on a yellow coat, people shout Taxi!
1. When you swallow
a diet coke you only get 1 calorie.
2. It comes in a can, not in your mouth.
3. You can ignore a diet coke for weeks and it will still be there when
you want it.
4. The first one wont get mad if you need another one tonight.
5. A diet coke generally lasts longer.
6. You can throw it in the bin when youre done.
7. A diet coke will treat you the same in the morning as the night before.
8. You can pick one up at a supermarket without your friends talking about
you.
9. You can do one in the car even while driving.
10. The aftertaste is certainly better.
11. You can get a bigger size without changing brands.
12. You never have to lie to a diet coke.
13. A diet soda will wait home patiently when you go out with friends
and still refresh you when you get home at 6AM.
14. You can have a headache and still enjoy it.
A: She had just bought Always with wings.
One day in Dodge city a cowboy rides into town. He pulls up outside the saloon and gets off his horse. He ties the horse up and then walks round the back of it, lifts the tail and kisses the horses backside with puckered lips. He then walks into the saloon.
Across the street an old timer cant believe what hes just seen so he rushes across and bursts into the saloon where he sees the cowboy drinking at the bar.
Hey mister, he says. Did I just see you kiss that hoss ass?
Yep.
If you dont mind me askin. Why dya do that?
Cos I got chapped lips, replies the cowboy.
And kissin your hoss ass cures chapped lips?
Nope, says the cowboy, but it sure stops you lickin them.
April 15th is Tax Day in the USA. Heres some humor to help you through it.
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.
And what, his friend asked, do you want me to do with your ashes?
The businessman said, Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service, and write on the envelope, Now you have everything.
I just heard the most marvelous rumor of them all… that Form 1040 has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats!
A new arrival, about to enter a hospital, saw two white-coated doctors searching through the flower beds.
Excuse me, he said, have you lost something?
No, replied one of the doctors. Were doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and need to find a suitable stone.
Dear IRS,
I would like to cancel my subscription.
Please remove me from your mailing list.
Called in for an audit, the young man was confronted by a surly IRS agent.
It says here, Mr. Briggs, that you are a bachelor, and yet you claim a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake…?
Looking him straight in the eye, Mr. Briggs replied, Yup, it surely was.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Thank God for the IRS – Without them Id be stinking rich!
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. So, he said, I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000. The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon.
Now then, Im returning $5,000, and were going to decide this case solely on its merits.
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, the rabbi turns to the priest and hands him a twenty dollar bill and says, Hey Father…here’s that $20 I owe you.