You might be a redneck if youre mowing your lawn and find a car.

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly ladys teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves…Do you know how they make these rubber gloves? She said, No? Well, he spoofed, down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big Finished Goods Crate and start the process all over again.And she didnt laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.The old woman blushed and exclaimed, I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!

What is a vampires favorite sport?

Casketball…

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won’t be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

4. When she stops to open her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.

5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far and sooner he starts, the better.

10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

11. The biggest tool in the shed.

12. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t looking.

13. A room temperature IQ.

14. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

15. A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

16. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

17. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

20. Fell out of the family tree.

21. Bright as Alaska in December.

22. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

23. Has two brains: one is lost; and the other is looking for it.

24. If brains were taxed she would get a refund.

25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.

26. He’s so dense light bends around him.

27. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you would get change.

28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

29. It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

30. One neuron short of a synapse.

31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.

32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

33. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

34. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

35. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of mobid curiosity.

I heard a story of a woman going into a bank with her son who was about 5 or

6. He was being a brat and his mother was having a hard time controlling him. When she finally got to the teller, she sat the boy on the counter and said, Now you be a good boy or Ill tell Gramma how you were acting and she wont give you anymore cookies.

The child sat there for a moment with a scowl on his face and then told her, and everyone else in the bank, Oh yeah? Well Ill tell Gramma I saw you sucking Daddys cock!

The place went completely silent and the woman just picked up her son and left without finishing her banking.

How to Impress a Woman

Compliment her,

respect her,

honor her,

cuddle her,

kiss her,

caress her,

love her,

stroke her,

tease her,

comfort her,

protect her,

hug her,

hold her,

spend money on her,

wine and dine her,

buy things for her,

listen to her,

care for her,

stand by her,

support her,

hold her,

go to the ends of the Earth for her.

How to Impress a Man

Show up naked.

Bring food.

The young clerks responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

None of the judges yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerks pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.

The judge couldnt resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. Oh, theres not much to it, admitted the clerk happily, I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office.

If you cant live without me, why arent you dead already?

Youd make a lovely corpse!

I never forget a face, but in your case Ill make an exception.

Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

Youre a wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits…huh?

Did you eat a brain tumor for breakfast?

You love nature in spite of what it did to you?

I want to reach your mind – where is it currently located?

I wish Id known you when you were alive.

If you ever had a bright idea, it would be beginners luck!

Whats on your mind? If youll forgive the overstatement.

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?

I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.

Youre a mouse studying to be a rat.

Dont look now, but theres one too many in this room and I think its you.

Every time Im next to you, I get a fierce desire to be alone.

I cant believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest!

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?

Theres nothing wrong with you that reincarnation wont cure.

Why dont you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

Youre a good example of why some animals eat their young.

A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster for refund because it didnt work. The clerk told her that he couldnt give her a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, Grab my Breasts! Grab my breasts!

The clerk didnt know what to do, so he called the store manager who asked her if he can help.

She explained that she wanted to return the nonworking toaster for refund, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.

Once again she yelled, Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!

The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase.

She replied, Because I like my breasts grabbed when Im getting screwed!

Never trust a dog to watch your food. – Patrick, age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” dont answer him. – Michael, 14
Never tell your mom her diets not working. – Michael, 14
Stay away from prunes. – Randy, 9
Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. – Traci, 14
Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic tac. – Andrew, 9
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. – Kyoyo, 9
You cant hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. – Armir, 9
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. – Naomi, 15
Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. – Lauren, 9
Dont pick on your sister when shes holding a baseball bat. – Joel, 10
Never try to baptize a cat. – Eileen, 8