Old and New Jokes

A Catholic priest, a Rabbi, and a Methodist minister were discussing sin, and the Methodist asked, Tell me, guys, have you ever sinned and broken the laws of your religion?

I must admit, responded the Rabbi, I was always very very curious about how pork tastes, so once, just once, I stopped at a bar-be-que restaurant when I was on a vacation and ate a pork sandwich. In fact, it was so delicious, I ate four of them, knowing Id never have the nerve to sin again like that.

The Catholic joined in, Well, I had the same curiosity about sex, and that being forbidden, I didnt know which sex would appeal to me more, so I once, while in seminary, had a sixteen-year-old girl and her brother at the same time. I was so overcome with feelings of guilt that Ive never done anything like that again. Well, what about you, Pastor Bob?

The Methodist said, My besetting sin is GOSSIP, and I just cant wait to tell everybody in town what you guys have said!

This is probably a true story

I ordered 2 Megs of RAM. They arrived on Friday.

On Monday, I had the following conversation with the people from whom I bought them.

Hello, this is MacCenter, how can I help you?

I ordered two Megs of RAM last week and I received them but Im having trouble getting them out of the package.

What seems to be the problem?

Theyre encased in a laser printer.

(silence)

Oh my goodness!

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?

Father: Sure son. Whats the question?

Son: What is Politics?

Father: Well, lets take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so lets call me Capitalism. Your mother is the administrator of money, so well call her Government. We take care of your need, so lets call you The People. Well call the Maid The Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?

Son: Im not really sure, dad. Ill have to think about it.

That night, awakened by his brothers crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maids room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boys knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: Dad, now I think i understand what politics is.

Father: Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?

Son: Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.

Why do so few men end up in heaven?

They never stop to ask for directions.

Silently weeps if you forget to turn off the music while playing Tetris.
The last sensation felt by anyone borrowing a pen is the quick sting of several tiny Punji sticks.
No one will carpool with him since that ejector seat incident.
He and his girlfriend Natasha keep threatening to make big trouble for Moose and Squirrel.
His twin, who looks just like him except that he wears black, keeps coming in at lunch to booby trap his cubicle.
Always trying to convince you that Yakov Smirnoff is actually funny.
You could swear he used to look just like Sean Connery, but now hes the spitting image of Pierce Brosnan.
I may ask; would you additionally like a packet of oil-fried potato slices, comrade?
His shoe has a setting for either Ring or Vibrate.
She taps that commie pen on her commie desk the same commie way EVERY FRIGGIN DAY!
Last October you helped him ship out 750 boxes of old computer punch cards to addresses all over Florida and the tip he promised you was dump all your stocks.
Suspiciously never complains about the temperature in the office.
He asks you to pull his finger — until it clicks.
and Topfive.coms Number 1 Sign Your Coworker is a Spy…
He introduces himself as Bond… Jame… Er, Finkelmeyer… Junius Finkelmeyer.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

This
guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees
a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and
a green string tied to its right leg. He asks the owner
the significance of the strings.
"Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you
pull the red string he speaks French; if you pull
the green string he speaks German," replies the
shop keeper.
"And what happens if I pull both the strings?"
our curious shopper inquires.
"I fall off my perch you fool!!" screeches
the parrot.

The number of people who believe it will ship on time.
The number of floppies it will ship on.
The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.
The number of pages in the easy install version of the manual.
The percentage of existing Windows programs that wont run in the new OS.
The number of minutes to install.
The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
The number of people who will actually pay for the upgrade.
The number MHz required for the OS to run.
Bill Gates age when it ships.
The number of seconds before it crashes.

And now the #1 thing people think the 95 in Windows 95 really stands for:

The year it was due to ship.

Why did the Packers tear up the end zone after a Vikings Game?

There was too much Moss in it!

Welcome to EBONICS 101

Herein follow a few terms to help you get started on your merry way towards the ve-nak-u-lar…

Damn- that shit is DOPE!

That is a wonderful concept/object/action.

Cant FADE that.

I am unable to comprehend or assimilate that concept at this time.

Shante aint havin it.

This is not something that Shante will allow to occur.

Homey- Boo was dropping PHAT beats.

Our friend Boo was playing some wonderful music.

YO!- Let me GAFFLE that BLUNT!

Might I be able to indulge in your marijuana cigarette?

JIMMY was on and I was HITTIN it!

I had in my possession a condom, which was used in my engagement of sexual activity.

Whats up? Why you ALL UP in my shit!?!

Please sir/madam- stay out of my affairs.

She is HELLA CLOWIN you HOMEY!

The woman is creatively informing you that her interest in dating you is non-existent at this time.

Woooooo- Renaldo was PITCHIN STRAIGHT GAME to baby-doll, and it was SMOOOOVE!

Renaldo was creatively inquiring as to the marital status of the female, with the intention of asking her on a date.

STEP OFF Cool- before I bust PHAT CAPS in your A** with my NEINER…

It would be beneficial to your physical state to leave this area, as I will soon be encouraged by your disrespect towards me to shoot bullets into your buttocks with my 9mm pistol.

Why is 5-OH always BUGGIN!?!~~~~

Why are the police officers always worried?

Friday night- COLD CHILLIN with a 40 and a BLUNT.~~~~

It is Friday eve, and I am leisurely enjoying a forty ounce bottle of malt liquor and a marijuana cigarette.

Dying in it.