12. In the Star Wars universe, weapons are rarely, if ever, set on stun.
11.The enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp — the Millenium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
10. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess
still looks fresh and desirable — after pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looks like hell.
9.Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
8. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
7. One word: lightsabers!
6.The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.
5.The Death Star doesnt care if the Earth is class M or not.
4. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
3. Picard pilots through the Enterprise through an asteroid belt at one-quarter inpulse power. Han Solo floors it.
2. Aliens have make-up in other places than their foreheads.
1. Death Star vs. Enterprise!
What did God say after he created man?
I can do better than this and he made woman.
But the disruptions created in Adams internals when God removed his rib were so great that it caused Adams brain to sink down into his testicles.
And so one of Eves first assignments was to explain to Adam the difference between his black and navy blue socks.
Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctors?
A: Because he was feeling crummy!
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.
On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wifes love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.
Then next, maam, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his
love pole.
Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.
They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.
Then he told the Greens the bad news. I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.
Well, all right, the doctor said. On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios …
A guy returns home with a record of his favorite group. His wife asks him:
What have you bought that for? We dont have a record player.
I dont see why it has to bother you, answered the guy, Ive never told you anything when you bought your brassiers.
Yo mamas so stupid she thinks Tupac Shakur is a Jewish holiday.
A math student is pestered by a classmate who wants to copy his homework assignment. The student hesitates, not only because he thinks its wrong, but also because he doesnt want to be sanctioned for aiding and abetting.His classmate tries to calm him donw by saying, Nobody will be able to trace my homework to you. Ill be changing the names of all the constants and variables: a to b, x to y, and so on.Not quite convinced, but eager to be left alone, the student hands his completed assignment to the classmate for copying.After the deadline, the student asks, Did you really change the names of all the variables?Sure! the classmate replies. When you called a function f, I called it g; when you called a variable x, I renamed it to y; and when you were writing about the log of x+1, I called it the timber of x+1…
Whats faster than a black guy with your TV?
His brotha with your VCR.
Q: How do you babysit black kids?
A: Wet their lips and stick them to the wall!
A Catholic priest, a Rabbi, and a Methodist minister were discussing sin, and the Methodist asked, Tell me, guys, have you ever sinned and broken the laws of your religion?
I must admit, responded the Rabbi, I was always very very curious about how pork tastes, so once, just once, I stopped at a bar-be-que restaurant when I was on a vacation and ate a pork sandwich. In fact, it was so delicious, I ate four of them, knowing Id never have the nerve to sin again like that.
The Catholic joined in, Well, I had the same curiosity about sex, and that being forbidden, I didnt know which sex would appeal to me more, so I once, while in seminary, had a sixteen-year-old girl and her brother at the same time. I was so overcome with feelings of guilt that Ive never done anything like that again. Well, what about you, Pastor Bob?
The Methodist said, My besetting sin is GOSSIP, and I just cant wait to tell everybody in town what you guys have said!