Top Ten Signs your Local TV Weatherman Is Nuts

10. Every night, his forecast is: Its raining men, hallelujah!

9. Often asks anchorwoman to switch clothes with him.

8. Uses expensive radar equipment to track Michelle Pfeiffer.

7. Satellite photos look suspiciously like Polaroids of a desk globe.

6. Appears to have the first spring robin in his mouth.

5. Seen checking into a Motel 6 with a half-inflated weather balloon.

4. Every night he says, Lordy mama, its gonna rain root beer tomorrow!

3. The symbol on his weather map for an arctic cold front is a snowman giving the finger.

2. Looks a lot like this pinhead. (videotape of Dave in his TV weatherman days)

1. Hes got a tropical storm in his pants.

Did you ever think, when a hearse rolls by,

That you may be the next to die?

They wrap you up in a nice clean sheet,

And drop you down about six feet deep.

All goes well for about a week,

And then your coffin begins to leak.

The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out,

The worms play pinnacle on you snout.

They eat your clothes, they eat your hat,

They crawl in skinny and crawl out fat!

You might be a redneck if…
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

Once upon a time Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts to space for 2 years. One was American, One was Russian and the other was English. NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each. The American decided to take along his wife, the Englishman decided to take along books to learn how to speak German whilst the Russian decided to take along cigarettes. Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home. First came the American and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms. Next came the Englishman speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing round of applause. Suddenly, out came the Russian with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked "Has anyone got a friggin match?"

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream. There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldnt overcome and didnt really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldnt say a word. She said, Im going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me. I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldnt ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family. The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

He asks for a thin, crispy supreme. Half an hour later, Diana Ross turns up at his door!

Teach a man to build a fire, he stays warm for a night. Set a man on fire, he stays warm for the rest of his life.

This guy woke up one morning and saw his girlfriend with coat on and her bags packed. He said What are you doing?

She said Im leaving you because I heard you were a pedofile.

And the guy responded Pedofile! Thats a pretty big word coming from a twelve year old!

There were two old people that are married and have been for fifty years. One day they went to a doctor because they recently had been forgeting things and they were afraid that they would leave the stove on. The doctor said, “There is no way medically, but you could always write notes to help you remember things.”
That night, as the wife was getting up, her husband asked what she was doing. She replied, “I was just going to make some ice cream.” The husband insisted that he would make it. As he was walking into the kitchen, she called out, “WITH A CHERRY ON TOP!” “Okay dear,” he replied. “And sprinkles too!” “Okay dear.”
From the kitchen came sounds of banging pots and pans and nearly twenty minutes later he came back into the room with bacon and eggs. The wife said “Wheres the toast?”

Anally – occuring yearly
Artery – study of paintings
Bacteria – back door of cafeteria
Barium – what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel – letter like A,E,I,O,U
Caesarian Section – district in Rome
Cat Scan – searching for kitty
Cauterize – make eye contact with her
Colic – sheep dog
Coma – a punctuation mark
Congenital – friendly
D&C – where Washington is
Diarrhea – a journal of daily events
Dilate – to live long
Enema – not a friend
Fester – quicker
Fibula – a small lie
Genital – non-Jewish
G.I. Series – soldires ball game
Grippe – suitcase
Hangnail – coathook
Impotent – distinguished, well known
Intense Pain – torture in a teepee
Labour Pain – got hurt at work
Medical Staff – doctors cane
Morbid – higher offer
Nitrate – cheaper than day rate
Node – was aware of
Outpatient – person who had fainted
Pap Smear – fatherhood test
Pelvis – cousin of Elvis
Post-operative – letter carrier
Protein – favouring young people
Rectum – damn near killed em
Recovery Room – place to do upholstery
Rheumatic – amorous
Scar – rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion – hiding anything
Seizure – Roman emperor
Senology – study of knighthood
Tablet – small table
Terminal Illness – sickness at airport
Tibia – country in North Africa
Tumour – an extra pair
Urine – opposite of youre out
Vericose – located nearby
Vein – conceited