Old and New Jokes

There were three men. Joe, Rich, and Scott.

They were all camping in the woods, and they knew they had to stop for

the

night. Joe suggested they stop where they were right there, a nice

clear,

wooded area. Rich agreed, but Scott disagreed, because there was nothing

interesting around, only trees.

They kept hiking for a little longer, and came across a small clear area,

right next to the highway. Both Joe and Rich wanted to saty there because

there was no stumps, or moss around, and the sounds of the cars could

help

to put them asleep. Scott said no, because he found a small ant farm 500

meters away, and was scared the ants might come, and get them.

SO they kept hiking, and finally, they came to the end of the woods, and

stepped onto the highway. Scott was mystified, and wanted to sleep right

smack dab in the middle of the highway. It was interesting, and he wanted

to look at all the different liscence plates, as they drove by. Joe and

Rich were so upset, because, obviously, that was the LAST place that they

wanted to sleep in! But, they were too tired to argue, so they set up

their tent in the middle of the highway and went to sleep.

They slept soundly through the night, but were awaked a couple of times

by

the sound of cars beeping, and crashing. The next morning, they awoke

early, and noticed a huge pileup of cars right off the highway, in the

spot they had earlier chosen. Feeling proud, Scott said:

See, guys? Imagine what would of happened if we slept there last night!

A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.Mama, he asked, Are these my brains?Mama answered, Not yet.

Your birth announcements included the words rug rat.

Your car alarm eats dog food.

Your car burns more oil than gas.

Your horse can count higher than you.

Your idea of cleaning is throwing everything in the back yard.

Your property has ever been mistaken for a recycling center.

Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.

Youve ever hit a deer with your car… deliberately.

You view duct tape as a long-term investment.

Youve ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.

Youve ever lost your wife in a poker game.

You bought a VCR to record Rasslin while youre at work.

Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card.

Youve ever stolen a bulldozer.

You made a hot tub with a trolling motor.

A bologna sandwich walks into a bar, sits down, and starts to order a drink. The bartender looks at him funny and says Get out of here. We dont serve food in here!

Q – What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs propped up against a wall?

A – Eileen

How was wire invented?

Two lawyers pulling on a penny.

Kermits undivided attention

Three guys die and go to heaven. Guy #1 goes up to St. Peter, who says, I have
only one question before you go into heaven, were you faithful to your wife?

Guy #1 answers, Yes, I never even looked at another woman.

St. Peter says, See that Rolls Royce over there, its yours to drive while
youre in heaven.

Guy #2 gets the same question and answers, Once I strayed, but I told my wife
about it and she forgave me.

St. Peter says, See that new Buick over there, its yours to drive while youre
here in heaven.

Guy #3 answers the same question, Ill have to admit, Ive chased every girl I
saw, and had sex with most of them.

St. Peter says, Okay, but you were a very good person in all other respects, so
that old VW Bug over there is yours to drive while youre here in heaven.

The three guys then went their separate ways.

A few weeks later, guys #2 and #3 were driving along when they see guy #1s
Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go inside and find guy #1
with empty bottles all around him, his face down in his hands on the table.

Guy #2 asks him, What could possibly be wrong, you got to heaven, youre
driving a Rolls Royce, and everythings great.

Guy #1 says, I saw my wife today.

Guy #3 says, Thats great! So, whats the problem?

Guy #1 answers, She was on roller skates!

You might be a redneck if you think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night!

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.

One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, Its dark in here, isnt it?

Yes it is, the man replies.

You wanna buy a baseball? the little boy asks.

No thanks, the man replies.

I think you do want to buy a baseball, the little extortionist continues.

OK. How much? the man replies after considering the position he was in.

Twenty-five dollars, the little boy replies.

TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! the man repeats. Thats awful expensive, but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

Its dark in here, isnt it? the boy starts off.

Yes it is, replies the man.

Wanna buy a baseball glove? the little boy asks.

OK. How much? the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage.

Fifty dollars, the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boys father says, Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and well play some catch.

I cant. I sold them, replies the little boy.

How much did you get for them? asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

Seventy-five dollars, the little boy says.

SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! Thats thievery! Im taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,

the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says Its dark in here, isnt it?

Dont you start that crap in here, the priest says.

A young man was driving along in his van, and spotted an attractive woman, hitch-hiking. He stopped to pick her up. It is beyond me, how such things come about, but they ended up in the back of the van.

Have you got a whip? Asked the woman. He had not.

Havent you got anything you could use instead? He thought for a while, went outside, and fetched the radio aerial. This proved quite adequate, and the had a good time.

A couple of weeks later, the man developed an nasty rash around his genitals. After scratching for a while, he eventually went to his doctor, who examined him, but was at a loss to account for it.

Havent you done anything, recently, which could have caused it? He asked, whereupon, our hero told him, with some embarrassment, about his adventure with the hitch-hiker.

In that case, said the doctor, its perfectly clear you have a nasty dose of van aerial disease!