A woman is on her honeymoon with her new French husband. She is giving him oral sex when the phone rings.
The husband answers it, to find out is his mother-in-law, asking for her daughter.
He says, She cannot talk rrright now, she as a frog in ze thrrrought.
Heard this morning at 6:57 AM on radio station KKUP, Cupertino, CA:
Host: Well, do you have any concluding statements, Marshall?
Guest: No, I dont, Larry.
Host: Then could you say something to last about three minutes?
Stalin is dying, and summons Comrade Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his
last few words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, Comrade, the reins
of the country are now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you
some advice.
Yes, yes, Great Leader, what is it? says Khruschev.
Reaching under his pillow, Stalin produces two envelopes marked 1 and 2.
Take these letters, he tells Khruschev. Keep them safely–dont open
them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things start going badly, open
the first one. Thatll give you some advice on what to do. And, even after
that, if things start going REALLY badly, open the second one. And with a
gasp Stalin breathed his last.
Well, Khruschev succeeded him, and sure enough, within a few years things
started going badly–unemployment increased, crops failed, people became
restless. Nikita decided it was time to open the first letter. All it said
was: Blame everything on me! So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization
campaign, and blamed Josef for all the excesses and purges and ills of the
present system, and bought himself some time that way.
But things continued on the downslide–Kennedy successfully rebuffed Soviet
missiles in Cuba, unemployment increased even more, crops failed even more,
the Politburo was unhappy with Khruschevs leadership and upstarts like
Brezhnev and Gromyko were threatening his credibility. So finally, after
much deliberation, Nikita opened the second letter.
All it said was: Write two letters.
I was out walking with my then 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that. Why?Because its been lying outside and it is dirty and probably has germs. At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, Wow! How do you know all this stuff?Uh, I was thinking quickly, …all moms knows this stuff. Um, its on The Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they dont let you be a Mommy.We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. OH…I get it! she beamed, So if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy.
Q: What do you call a blonde without an asshole?
A: Divorced.
This is Pet Appreciation Week, a time to do something special for your pet, something theyll really appreciate, like:
Lick your dog in the face.
Bring your cat a dead bird.
Get your dog a bone and bury it for him.
Make a concerted effort to learn to purr.
Eat supper on the floor.
Spend quality time with your pet rolling around in something really awful.
From Ha! at http://www.flash.net/~comedy
A big-shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, I have to take your temperature.
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
No, Im sorry, the nurse stated, but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer. This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the mans doctor came into the room.
Whats going on here? asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, Whats the matter, Doc? Havent you ever seen someone having his temperature taken?
After a pause, the doctor confessed, Well, no. I guess I havent. Not with a carnation, anyway.
Got this one from my sisters boyfriend, Cajan accordionist extrordinaire,
after he sold me his banjo:
Whats the difference between a runover skunk and a runover banjo player?
The skunk was on its way to a gig.
A 90 year old man shows up for a physical. He tells the doctor he is about to marry a 20 year old girl.
Really? said the doctor. Youre healthy enough, I suppose, but take my advice. If you want a happy marriage, you should take in a boarder. Do you know what I mean?
The old man says, OK, doc. Ill think about it.
Six months later, the doctor sees the old man on the street. He asks him how his new marriage is working out.
Great doc! In fact, my wife is pregnant.
The doctor nods knowlingly and says, So you took my advice and took in a boarder?
The old man winked and said, Yep. And shes pregnant too!
Dear God,
Make me less intense.
I know you well, in fact i know you more than you know yourself.
So do as I say, or you know whats going to happen..