From Dennis Miller (paraphrased)

Ron Reagan (son) has a new talk show. I hope you all watch it. After
all we know what happens when a Reagan does badly in show business.

John went to Dr. Smith because of intense migraine headaches.

The doctor tried many things, but no relief. Finally, after many visits, the doc sat down and said, You know, John, why dont you try something unusual. Why dont you do something that I always do when I have a headache like that. I phone my wife and tell her Im coming home; she waits for me in the bedroom, with her blouse off, and I nestle my head between those two beautiful breasts and soon the headache disappears! You ought to try something like that–I dont know what else to do for you. It wouldnt hurt.

Well I might try something like that, said John.

A month later, John is back in the clinic, seeing another doctor on another unrelated matter, and he and Dr. Smith pass each other in the hallway. John! says the doc, Havent seen you in a while! Hows those headaches?

Great! Theyre all gone! Thanks for your advice! said John.

Hey, thats fantastic! said Dr. Smith, walking on down the hallway.

Say, Doc! yelled John, down the hall, Nice place you got there!

Congratulations!

You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of
years on trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via
some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR
GODS SAKE READ THIS OWNERS MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE! YOU
ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDNT YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT
ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE
SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEO CASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON FAST
FORWARD, THIS CHILD IS ALSO FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOURE JUST NOW
STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT JUST AS WELL JUST BREAK
THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

Now, do you see that tree over there? he asked.

YES, YES, YES! the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

Good! said the first bat, Because I sure didnt!

Whats the only animal that has to be oiled? A mouse. Why? Cause it squeaks!

A man who worked for a fire company came home from work one day and told his wife, You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and were on the trucks ready to go. From now on were going to run this house the same way. When I say bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say bell 3, were going to screw all night.

The next night he came home from work and yelled, Bell 1, and his wife took off all here clothes.

Bell 2, and his wife jumped into bed.

Bell3, and they began to screw.

After 2 minutes his wife yelled, Bell 4.

Whats this Bell 4? asked her husband.

More hose, she replied, Youre nowhere near the fire!

READING THE SIGNS :

How To Make Shallow Snap Judgements

Taken From Womens Glibber

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize – and decode – these KEY SIGNS.

Woman wont unlock car door for man – Doesnt engage in oral sex
Man gets in car withour opening door for woman – No foreplay
Insists on going to a brand new restaurant – Prefers virgins
Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way – Is a virgin
Cant hail a cab – Impotent
Insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif – Compulsive Don Quixote
Insists on going to a romantic candle-lit restaurant – Compulsive Don Juan
Insisto on going to a Polynesian bar – Compulsive Don Ho
Wants to go to a French restaurant – Will swallow
Wants to go to a deli – Wont swallow
Takes too long deciding what to order – Has trouble reaching orgasm
Orders salad dressing on the side – Will give you a hand job, but will not go all the way
Gives explicit orders to waiter – Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed
Asks for extra rolls – Will say she is using birth control when shes not, will get pregnant and sue
Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as The lady will have… – Thinks you had an orgasm when you didnt
Asks for The Usual – Insists on missionary position only
Asks what the specials are – Will want you to use handcuffs
Fills up on bread and crackers – Premature ejaculation
Doesnt finish everything on plate – Has already come
Insists on having some of whatever you orderded – Will make you sleep on the wet spot
Changes mind after ordering – Will never call you
Changes tables – Nyphomaniac
Drinks Decaf. – Fakes Orgasm (Female)
Orders in French – Fakes Orgasm (Male)
Sends food back – Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money
Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts – Needs you to talk dirty during sex
Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers – Wants a handjob
Orders a dessert involving nuts – Castrating Bitch
Wants to split dessert – Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters
Credit card is refused – Low sperm count
Undertips waiter – Small penis
Undertips parking valet – Small penis
Undertips cabbie – Small penis
Uses toothpick – Is trying to tell you size isnt everything
Removable cassette player in car – Pulls out repeatedly during sex
Cellular phone in car – Penile inplant

Thanks to Jim from Florida for the Joke.

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After eating the sandwich, he pulls out a gun, shoots the waiter, and prepares to leave.

The manager shouts, Where are you going? You ate your food, shot my waiter, and now youre leaving without paying!

The panda responds, I am a panda – thats what pandas do. If you dont believe me, look it up.

With that, the panda slammed a dictionary on the table and exited the restaurant.

The manager, being curious, grabbed the dictionary and checked the definition for a panda. He read, A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her upcoming fourth wedding.

Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?

My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be.

Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said hed get to it tomorrow.

The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, Im marrying a lawyer and Im sure Im going to get screwed!

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Alaska.

The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, Honey, I want you to know that I havent wasted all this time alone. Instead, Ive mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

Now watch, he said. Next he said, Dick, ten-HUT! And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, Dick, at EASE! And his dick deflated again.

Wow, that was amazing, said his wife. Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? Its really something else!

The guy responded that he didnt mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished.

So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guys full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, Now watch this. Then he said Dick, ten-HUT! and the dick sprang to life.

Then it was Dick, at EASE! But nothing happened. So the guy again said, Dick, at EASE! But still nothing happened.

So the guy now says, For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!! Still nothing.

Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

What in the world are you doing!? she asked.

The guy says… Im givin this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!