Old and New Jokes

What is the difference between a newfie and a bucket of shit…

Answer… The Bucket

yo mama is so fat one time she went whale watching and every whale that saw her started singing we aare family all my brother sisters and me;]

A
man wearing a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shot
gun. "Open the safe!" he yells at the girl
behind the counter.
"But were not a real bank" replies the
girl. "This is a sperm bank, we dont hold money".
"Dont argue just open the safe or Ill blow
your head off!" She obliges and opens the safe
door.
"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"
"But its full of sperm" the girl replies
nervously.
"Dont argue, just drink it" he says.
She prys off the cap and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!"
he demands.
The girl drinks another one.
Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the girls
amazement its her husband…….
"Not that damn difficult, is it?" he says.

Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?

A1: So they dont shit everywhere when you pull their tits.

A2: So that when you pull their tits, they dont moo.

He used Ark-Hives.(archives)

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO (Chief Executive Officer) standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

Listen, said the CEO, this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?

Certainly, said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

Excellent, excellent! said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. I just need one copy.

Van der Merwe is invited to have lunch with the Queen. While sitting at her table he says to her:

Jis you know Queen you have got such a nice house, and you know Queen your clothes are so nice and you know Queen your food is bakgat!

The Queen gets pissed off with this Queen bit and says to Van. Mr Van der Merwe, you should not be calling me Queen this and Queen that the correct title is Your highness.

Van says, ..jis that is unbelievable, my brothers name is also Johannes and he is also a queen!

Ski season is here!! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared:

Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

Go to McDonalds and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as its in a snowstorm and youre following an 18 wheeler.

Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

Slam your thumb in a car door. Dont go see a doctor.

Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until its time for the real thing!

Saddam Hussein had a dream and called President George W. Bush to tell him about it. I had a dream about the United States. I could see the whole country and over every building and home was a banner, said Hussein.

What was on the banner? asked Mr. Bush.

LONG LIVE SADDAM HUSSEIN! answered the Iraqi president.

I am so glad that you called, said President Bush, because I too had a dream. In my dream, I saw Baghdad and it was more beautiful than ever, totally rebuilt, and over every building and home was a big, beautiful banner.

What did the banner say? asked Saddam.

I dont know, answered President Bush, I cant read Hebrew.

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On their way to church to get married, a couple is killed when a truck driver goes to sleep at the wheel and his rig crashes head on into their VW bug. St. Peter welcomes them at the pearly gates and invites them in.

The woman isnt so sure. Actually, we were on our way to get married, she explains, and unless we have your word we can get married here,too, were not interested. St. Peter is a bit taken aback, but sends an angel off to make inquiries.

A year, a decade, a century go by, and still teh couple sits at the gate waiting for an answer. Meanwhile, they have been thinking, and decide that they need to know if divorces are possible in heaven too. After all, the marriage might not work.

Finally, the angel returns with the good news–yes–they can get married in heaven. The man rather sheepishly says Weve been talking,… and…. um,…. well, thanks for all the trouble….but what if we dont get along… could we get a divorce here as well?

WHAT THE #@**^?!+????!!!!! shouts St. Peter in exasperation It took a hundred years to locate a priest here, and now *** you *** want *** us *** TO LOOK FOR A *&$#@! LAWYER?!??!!