You know how they use to give immigrants a test when they came to America?
Well the last question on the test was to use pink, green and yellow in a sentence.
So when the Mexican had his turn he answered the last question: When the phone goes GREEN GREEN GREEN I PINK it up and say YELLOW?
Institutions of higher learning and/or research:
Auburn University.
Brown University.
Chrome Yellow University.
Neon Pink University.
Kelly Green University Fading to Chartreuse Around the Edges.
Northern Illinois University.
Southern Illinois University.
Eastern Illinois University.
Western Illinois University.
Northeastern Illinois University.
Northwestern Illinois University.
Southeastern Illinois University.
Southwestern Illinois University.
North-by-Northwestern Illinois University.
Almost Central But Just Slightly Eastern Illinois University.
Yale University.
Cole University.
Weiser University.
Kwikset University.
Harvey Mudd College.
Roger Mudd College.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd College.
My Name Is Mudd College.
Kings College.
Queens College.
Jacks College (formerly Knaves College).
Tens College.
Aces College.
Texas A&I University.
Texas A&M University.
North Carolina A&T University.
Tennessee C&W University.
Michigan R&B University.
New Jersey M&M University.
San Francisco S&M University.
University of Maryland Institute for Advanced Computer Science.
University of Northern Saskatchewan Institute for Primitive Computer Science.
Charles Babbage Institute for Mechanical Computer Science.
Governors State University.
Lieutenant-Governors State University.
Secretaries of State State University.
State Comptrollers State University.
University of Tennessee Space Institute.
University of Southwestern Arkansas Cosmic Realms Institute.
Elroy Jetson Space Magic Institute.
Lawrence Livermore National Labs.
Lawrence Berkeley National Labs.
Lawrence Olivier National Labs.
Lawrence of Arabia National Labs.
Lawrence Welk National Labs.
Argonne National Labs. *
Kryptonne National Labs.
Xenonne National Labs.
Radonne National Labs.
Concordia University.
Discordia University.
Misericordia University.
University of Wisconsin – Madison.
University of Wisconsin – Milwaukee.
University of Wisconsin – River Falls.
University of Wisconsin – Stout.
University of Wisconsin – Porter.
University of Wisconsin – Malt Liquor.
University of Wisconsin – Night Train.
University of Wisconsin – Everclear.
Purdue University.
Louis Rich University.
Hormel University.
Oscar Mayer University.
Drexel University.
Ethan Allen University.
Seidel University.
La-Z-Boy University.
George Washington University.
James Madison University.
Chester A. Arthur University.
Millard Fillmore University.
Spiro T. Agnew University.
J. Danforth Quayle University.
McMaster University.
McSlave University.
McTop University.
McBottom University.
Ball State University.
Prick State University.
Twat State University.
Asshole State University.
Wright State University.
Wrong State University.
Altered State University.
Uncertain State University.
Out of State University.
McGill University.
McScale University.
McFin University.
McTail University.
McOperculum University.
McNeese State University.
McNeffew State University.
McAuntt State University.
McUnccle State University.
Seton Hall University.
Seton Vestibule University.
Seton Bathroom University.
Seton Bedroom University.
Sam Houston State University.
Sam Walton State University.
Sam I Am State University.
Son of Sam State University. *
South Dakota School of Mines and Technology.
Colorado School of Mines.
Wyoming School of Ditches.
Montana School of Holes in the Ground.
BU.
BYU.
NYU.
BYOB.
Clemson University.
Jebson University.
Abnerson University.
DaisyMaeson University.
Clarkson University.
Loisson University.
Jimmyson University.
Stephen F. Austin State University.
Steve Austin State University.
Bionic Woman State University.
Tufts University.
Locks University.
Bald Spot University.
Underarm Hair University.
Pubic Hair University.
Tulane University.
Forlane University.
Atelane University.
Baruch College.
The Weizmann Institute.
Hofstra University.
Brandeis University.
Carasso University.
Emory University.
Nail Clippor University.
Polish Removor University.
Fordham University.
Chryslerporkshoulder University.
Generalmotorspigsfeet University.
Universite de Montreal.
Universite Laval.
Universite Trudeau.
Universite Mulroney.
University of Central Florida.
University of EPCOT Center.
University of Disney World.
University of Busch Gardens–The Dark Continent.
Bowie State University.
Butcher State University.
Ginsu State University.
Swiss Army State University.
Angelo State University.
Giuseppe State University.
Mario State University.
Cosa Nostra State University.
Mitsubishi Information Technology Labs.
NEC Research Institute.
Nintendo Super Mario Brothers ™ Advanced Technology Research Center.
Florida Atlantic University.
Florida Pacific University.
Florida Indian University.
Florida Arctic University.
Carnegie Mellon University.
Carnegie Cucummber University.
Carnegie Zucchinni University.
College of William and Mary.
College of Bonnie and Clyde.
College of George and Gracie.
College of Frankie and Johnny.
College of Jimmy and Rosalyn.
College of Ronnie and Nancy.
College of Andy and Fergie.
Cornell University.
Wheatell University.
Barleyell University.
Buckwheatell University.
Dartmouth University.
Dartnostril University.
Dartrectum University.
Duke University.
Viscount University.
Baronet University.
Knight University.
Commoner University.
Ferris State University.
Roller Coaster State University.
Florida International University.
Florida National University.
Florida State University.
Florida County University.
Florida Local University.
Florida Neighborhood University.
Florida Backyard University.
Florida Garage University.
Grand Valley State University.
Small Valley State University.
Piffling Little Valley State University.
Large Flood Plain State University.
Hunter College.
Fisherman College.
Camper College.
Backpacker College.
Lehigh University.
Lelow University.
Leinbetween University.
Colgate University.
Crest University.
Gleem University.
Close-Up University.
Pearl Drops Tooth Polish University.
Nova University.
Duster University.
Pinto University.
Super Beetle University.
Old Dominion University.
New Dominion University.
Dominions, Principalities, and Powers University.
Mark-Jason Dominionus University.
IBM T. J. Watson Research Center.
IBM T. J. Hooker Research Center.
IBM J. T. Kirk Research Center.
IBM Stupid Roles Played by William Shatner Research Center.
Southern Methodist University.
Southern Baptist University.
Primitive Baptist University.
Holy Roller University.
Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Daisy-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Delphinium-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Chrysanthemum-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Oklahoma Panhandle State University.
Oklahoma Hitchhike State University.
Oklahoma Drink Night Train and Eat Out of Dumpsters State University.
Our Lady of the Angels College.
Our Lady of the Elms College.
Our Lady of the Night College.
Prentiss Normal and Industrial Institute.
Prentiss Abnormal and Industrial Institute.
Prentiss Abnormal and Interior Decoration Institute.
Grinnell College.
Smilell College.
Smirkell College.
Dalhousie University.
Sandboxie University.
Playgroundequipmentie University.
Simon Fraser University.
Simon Magus University.
Simon Templar University.
Simon Legree University.
Illinois Benedictine College.
Illinois Dominican College.
Illinois Trappist College.
Illinois Carthusian College.
Illinois Benedictine College.
Illinois Benedictine and Brandy College.
Illinois Drambuie College.
Illinois Grand Marnier College.
Kent State University.
Winston State University.
Marlboro State University.
Camel Wides State University.
College of Wooster.
College of Jeeves.
College of Pinker.
College of Fink-Nottle.
Villanova University.
Bossa Nova University.
Chevy Nova University.
Slippery Rock State College.
Crocodile Rock State College.
Jailhouse Rock State College.
Rock Around the Clock State College.
Go Crawl Under a Rock State College.
Smith College.
Jones College.
John Doe College.
John Q. Public College.
Sarah Lawrence College.
Sarah Bernhardt College.
Sarah Jane Smith College.
Sara Lee College.
Holy Apostles College.
Holy Names College.
Holy Family College.
Holy Toledo College.
Holy Hamburgers, Batman! College.
Sweet Briar College.
Sweet and Sour Briar College.
Twice Cooked Briar College.
Szechwan Briar With Hot Bean Curd and Crispy Noodles College.
Grambling State University.
Smroking State University.
Drrinking State University.
Whroring State University.
Creighton University.
Cardboard Bachson University.
Shipping Contaigneron University.
Mailing Tyoobon University.
Worcester Polytechnic Institute.
Teriyaki Polytechnic Institute.
Soy Polytechnic Institute.
A-1 Steak Polytechnic Institute.
Heinz 57 Steak Polytechnic Institute.
Case Western Reserve University.
Case Eastern Loquacity University.
Case Southern Charm University.
Case Midwestern Folksiness University.
Tuskegee Institute.
Hornegee Institute.
Antleregee Institute.
Oberlin College.
Oberkellner College.
Oberkommando College.
Oberbuergermeister College.
Millikin University.
Rutherferd University.
Schroedingor University.
Einsteen University.
Bowling Green State University.
Bowling Alley State University.
Bowling Pin State University.
Bowling Jacket State University.
Bowling Shoes State University.
Bowling Trophy State University.
Bob Jones University.
Bob Hope University.
Bob Barker University.
Bob Newhart University.
Bob Evans Restaurant University.
J. R. Bob Dobbs University.
Open Bible College.
Closed Bible College.
Open Just a Crack Bible College.
Open Weekdays Nine To Five Bible College.
Moody Bible Institute.
Pensive Bible Institute.
Peevish Bible Institute.
Depressed Bible Institute.
Paranoid Schizophrenic Bible Institute.
Stark Raving Mad Bible Institute on Antipsychotic Drugs.
Liberty Baptist College.
Equality Baptist College.
Fraternity Baptist College.
French Revolutionary Baptist College.
* suggested by ajd@itl.itd.umich.edu (Arthur J. Delano); used with permission
What kind of drugs are mail carriers not tested for?
SPEED!
Who Has The Best Memory?
Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
First guy says, I can remember the first day of my First Grade class.
Second guy says, I can remember my first day at Nursery School!
Not to be outdone, the third guy says, Hell, thats nothing… I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother!
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed a nooner. Dont worry, he purrs. My wife is out of town on a business trip, theres no risk. As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control! No problem, her lover replies. Ill get my wifes diaphragm. After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. That witch! he exclaims. She took it with her! I always knew she didnt trust me!
Britain decided it was time to switch left lane traffic to right lane traffic, as everywhere in Europe.
So they gather to plan the whole thing and nobody seems to come up with any viable solution, so they send out some help-me type faxes.
A couple of days later, answers come back. The French fax read: As your neighbours, we are deeply touched you requested our help, etc. etc, but we have no idea at all how to do it.
The German fax read: We are Germany, the most organized country in Europe, but we have not had this problem before and we do not know how to handle it.
The Polish fax read: As you know, we are Poland, a country that has done a lot on the path towards democracy and economic resuscitation. We have a great deal of experience in such transition processes. But, as to overcome the inherent difficulties and to avoid social problems, any and all transitions must be done gradually.
So, it is our proposal to handle the situation in three big steps. The first year, it should be mandatory only for the trucks to ride on the right lane.
Q: Why does Congressman Gary Condit wear pants?
A: To keep his ankles warm!
The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
[Another quarter inch doesnt impress most women.]
A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m. p. h.
[Along with everything else in your mouth at the time.]
The condom – made originally of linen – was invented in the early 1500s.
[That same year men began asking, Put that on my WHAT?]
The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B. C.
[Does this explain Crocodile Dung Dee?]
Watch out for flying hockey pucks – they travel at up to 100 mph.
[Stand clear or youll get pucked.]
Americas first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.
[3 very lonely men.]
98% of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.
[The other 2% are NY cab drivers who know better.]
When hes feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the females nose with his teeth.
[When the female feel amorous, she grabs something else.]
In 1681, the last dodo bird died.
[He was 41 and his name was also Fred.]
A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesnt give her coffee.
[Its known as the Sanka clause.]
The Neanderthals brain was bigger than yours is.
[But he couldnt surf the Internet.]
Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesnt wear pants.
[All ducks in Finland wear pants.]
The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
[Probably explains why banks have so many service charges.]
Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.
[And if you connect them, they spell Dummy.]
What color was Christopher Columbuss hair? Blonde.
[He was lost and wouldnt ask for directions; yep, a blonde male.]
In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones – Bhutan.
[Residents had to go to another country to make 900 calls.]
The most extras ever used in a movie was 300,000, for the film Gandhi, in 1981.
[Union regulations required each one be listed in the credits.]
Every person has a unique tongue print.
[But would you want someone to ink yours?]
Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.
[Even if you dont inhale.]
Womens hearts beat faster than mens.
[Even after death.]
When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit.
[Sales of fresh carrots jumped 46%.]
Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.
[But very few dogs or cats carry photos of their owners.]
Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant plenty of excrement.
[Coincidentally, this is also Rush Limbaughs nickname. ]
Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.
[His parents never bought him a night light.]
Bubble gum contains rubber.
[But should not be used as a condom.]
You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.
[Dogs compensate by smelling really bad.]
In high school, Robin Williams was voted Least Likely to Succeed.
[And most likely to grab himself.]
Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
[74% think Madonna is.]
The sound of E. T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jell-o.
[I may never eat Jell-o again!]
The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its legs.
[A female spider has a 1 in 8 chance of getting pregnant.]
Even if you cut off a cockroachs head, it can live for several weeks.
[But it will hold a grudge much longer.]
Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac in the Middle Ages.
[Remember, when youre sick, Mother knows best.]
Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
[And we all know what the F represents.]
The world population of chickens is about equal to the world population of people.
[Curb foul population, choke a chicken today.]
Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.
[Brain freeze promotes creativity.]
In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.
[25% of all Americans are bachelors.]
A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, IN.
[Joe Camel has never been to South Bend.]
About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.
[The rest of them are avoiding reality for four more years.]
In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.
[The winner had access to life-support equipment.]
Someone paid $14,000 for the bra Marilyn Monroe wore in Some Like It Hot.
[Madonna cone bras on sale in the lobby; $14.95.]
Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.
[Which explains why your teeth dont freeze in winter.]
Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
[It had something to do with his hating his mother.]
Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991.
[Obviously Millie did more than Bush.]
Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.
[What is the advantage of a bird thats been dropped?]
There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.
[There are also more Elvis impersonators than real ones.]
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
[Even though most fish dont wear lipstick.]
Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.
[Who volunteers to confirm this?]
Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.
[You are getting sleepy. . . you will dismiss class early. . .]
The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.
[Well, 2 out of 3 aint bad.]
When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.
[The same is true for people.]
If men ruled the world:
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to I love you.
Hallmark would make Sorry, what was your name again? cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, shed appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a Nice hustle, youll get em next time would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Youd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people youd worked for, like Heywood JBlowme.
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
Sorry Im late, but I got really wasted last night would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and youd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
Itd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the public ugliness ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, youd get beer biceps.
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, Youre #1!
Valentines Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, youd get the day off to go drinking. Mothers Day, too.
St. Patricks Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
COPS would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
Two words: Ally McNaked.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: You know how fast you were going? You: All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place. Cop: Nice one. Thats $10 off.
Faucets would run Hot, Cold, and 100 proof.
The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
Q: If a person who speaks three languages is called tri-lingual, and
a person who speaks two languages is called bi-lingual, what do
call a person who only speaks one language?
A: American!