07
Dec

A Cynics Guide to Life:

A Cynics Guide to Life:

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and…

Follow your dream! Unless its the one where youre at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses… and sooner or later, youll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.

If you dont like my driving, dont call anyone. Just take another road. Thats why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

When Im feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbors dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

Its always darkest before dawn. So if youre going to steal the neighbors newspaper, thats the time to do it.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the- fridge-is group.

Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

ust remember… You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbors car!

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers… and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. Thats the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

Its a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel…its cheaper than plastic surgery.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

Love is like a roller coaster: when its good you dont want to get off, and when it isnt… you cant wait to throw up.

07
Dec

19 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. While hes in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. Leave him a note, explaining that youve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. While hes in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say We hate Christmas, and Go away Santa.
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
While hes in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldnt have missed that last payment, and take off. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, For The Tooth Fairy. 🙂 Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, For Santa. Take everything out of your house as if its just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. While hes in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santas sure to see them. Go outside, yell, Ooh! Look! A deer! And hes got a red nose! and fire a gun. Leave Santa a note, explaining that youve

07
Dec

The Fly

Why did the fly fall off the toilet? It got pissed off.

07
Dec

The woman on the bus.

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, MAN, That is the ugliest baby Ive EVER seen!

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

The bus driver insulted me! she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, Hey! Hes a public servant and he shouldnt say things to insult the passengers.

Youre right! she said. I think Ill go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.

Thats a good idea, the man said. Here, let me hold your monkey!

07
Dec

Redneck Jokes joke #10970

07
Dec

Termite Fun. Yep, Termite Fun.

What did the termite say when he walked into the bar? Where is the bar tender?

06
Dec

Imigration test

You know how they use to give immigrants a test when they came to America?

Well the last question on the test was to use pink, green and yellow in a sentence.

So when the Mexican had his turn he answered the last question: When the phone goes GREEN GREEN GREEN I PINK it up and say YELLOW?

06
Dec

Institutionalized

Institutions of higher learning and/or research:

Auburn University.
Brown University.
Chrome Yellow University.
Neon Pink University.
Kelly Green University Fading to Chartreuse Around the Edges.

Northern Illinois University.
Southern Illinois University.
Eastern Illinois University.
Western Illinois University.
Northeastern Illinois University.
Northwestern Illinois University.
Southeastern Illinois University.
Southwestern Illinois University.
North-by-Northwestern Illinois University.
Almost Central But Just Slightly Eastern Illinois University.

Yale University.
Cole University.
Weiser University.
Kwikset University.

Harvey Mudd College.
Roger Mudd College.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd College.
My Name Is Mudd College.

Kings College.
Queens College.
Jacks College (formerly Knaves College).
Tens College.
Aces College.

Texas A&I University.
Texas A&M University.
North Carolina A&T University.
Tennessee C&W University.
Michigan R&B University.
New Jersey M&M University.
San Francisco S&M University.

University of Maryland Institute for Advanced Computer Science.
University of Northern Saskatchewan Institute for Primitive Computer Science.
Charles Babbage Institute for Mechanical Computer Science.

Governors State University.
Lieutenant-Governors State University.
Secretaries of State State University.
State Comptrollers State University.

University of Tennessee Space Institute.
University of Southwestern Arkansas Cosmic Realms Institute.
Elroy Jetson Space Magic Institute.

Lawrence Livermore National Labs.
Lawrence Berkeley National Labs.
Lawrence Olivier National Labs.
Lawrence of Arabia National Labs.
Lawrence Welk National Labs.

Argonne National Labs. *
Kryptonne National Labs.
Xenonne National Labs.
Radonne National Labs.

Concordia University.
Discordia University.
Misericordia University.

University of Wisconsin – Madison.
University of Wisconsin – Milwaukee.
University of Wisconsin – River Falls.
University of Wisconsin – Stout.
University of Wisconsin – Porter.
University of Wisconsin – Malt Liquor.
University of Wisconsin – Night Train.
University of Wisconsin – Everclear.

Purdue University.
Louis Rich University.
Hormel University.
Oscar Mayer University.

Drexel University.
Ethan Allen University.
Seidel University.
La-Z-Boy University.

George Washington University.
James Madison University.
Chester A. Arthur University.
Millard Fillmore University.
Spiro T. Agnew University.
J. Danforth Quayle University.

McMaster University.
McSlave University.
McTop University.
McBottom University.

Ball State University.
Prick State University.
Twat State University.
Asshole State University.

Wright State University.
Wrong State University.
Altered State University.
Uncertain State University.
Out of State University.

McGill University.
McScale University.
McFin University.
McTail University.
McOperculum University.

McNeese State University.
McNeffew State University.
McAuntt State University.
McUnccle State University.

Seton Hall University.
Seton Vestibule University.
Seton Bathroom University.
Seton Bedroom University.

Sam Houston State University.
Sam Walton State University.
Sam I Am State University.
Son of Sam State University. *

South Dakota School of Mines and Technology.
Colorado School of Mines.
Wyoming School of Ditches.
Montana School of Holes in the Ground.

BU.
BYU.
NYU.
BYOB.

Clemson University.
Jebson University.
Abnerson University.
DaisyMaeson University.

Clarkson University.
Loisson University.
Jimmyson University.

Stephen F. Austin State University.
Steve Austin State University.
Bionic Woman State University.

Tufts University.
Locks University.
Bald Spot University.
Underarm Hair University.
Pubic Hair University.

Tulane University.
Forlane University.
Atelane University.

Baruch College.
The Weizmann Institute.
Hofstra University.
Brandeis University.
Carasso University.

Emory University.
Nail Clippor University.
Polish Removor University.

Fordham University.
Chryslerporkshoulder University.
Generalmotorspigsfeet University.

Universite de Montreal.
Universite Laval.
Universite Trudeau.
Universite Mulroney.

University of Central Florida.
University of EPCOT Center.
University of Disney World.
University of Busch Gardens–The Dark Continent.

Bowie State University.
Butcher State University.
Ginsu State University.
Swiss Army State University.

Angelo State University.
Giuseppe State University.
Mario State University.
Cosa Nostra State University.

Mitsubishi Information Technology Labs.
NEC Research Institute.
Nintendo Super Mario Brothers ™ Advanced Technology Research Center.

Florida Atlantic University.
Florida Pacific University.
Florida Indian University.
Florida Arctic University.

Carnegie Mellon University.
Carnegie Cucummber University.
Carnegie Zucchinni University.

College of William and Mary.
College of Bonnie and Clyde.
College of George and Gracie.
College of Frankie and Johnny.
College of Jimmy and Rosalyn.
College of Ronnie and Nancy.
College of Andy and Fergie.

Cornell University.
Wheatell University.
Barleyell University.
Buckwheatell University.

Dartmouth University.
Dartnostril University.
Dartrectum University.

Duke University.
Viscount University.
Baronet University.
Knight University.
Commoner University.

Ferris State University.
Roller Coaster State University.

Florida International University.
Florida National University.
Florida State University.
Florida County University.
Florida Local University.
Florida Neighborhood University.
Florida Backyard University.
Florida Garage University.

Grand Valley State University.
Small Valley State University.
Piffling Little Valley State University.
Large Flood Plain State University.

Hunter College.
Fisherman College.
Camper College.
Backpacker College.

Lehigh University.
Lelow University.
Leinbetween University.

Colgate University.
Crest University.
Gleem University.
Close-Up University.
Pearl Drops Tooth Polish University.

Nova University.
Duster University.
Pinto University.
Super Beetle University.

Old Dominion University.
New Dominion University.
Dominions, Principalities, and Powers University.
Mark-Jason Dominionus University.

IBM T. J. Watson Research Center.
IBM T. J. Hooker Research Center.
IBM J. T. Kirk Research Center.
IBM Stupid Roles Played by William Shatner Research Center.

Southern Methodist University.
Southern Baptist University.
Primitive Baptist University.
Holy Roller University.

Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Daisy-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Delphinium-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Chrysanthemum-Hulman Institute of Technology.

Oklahoma Panhandle State University.
Oklahoma Hitchhike State University.
Oklahoma Drink Night Train and Eat Out of Dumpsters State University.

Our Lady of the Angels College.
Our Lady of the Elms College.
Our Lady of the Night College.

Prentiss Normal and Industrial Institute.
Prentiss Abnormal and Industrial Institute.
Prentiss Abnormal and Interior Decoration Institute.

Grinnell College.
Smilell College.
Smirkell College.

Dalhousie University.
Sandboxie University.
Playgroundequipmentie University.

Simon Fraser University.
Simon Magus University.
Simon Templar University.
Simon Legree University.

Illinois Benedictine College.
Illinois Dominican College.
Illinois Trappist College.
Illinois Carthusian College.

Illinois Benedictine College.
Illinois Benedictine and Brandy College.
Illinois Drambuie College.
Illinois Grand Marnier College.

Kent State University.
Winston State University.
Marlboro State University.
Camel Wides State University.

College of Wooster.
College of Jeeves.
College of Pinker.
College of Fink-Nottle.

Villanova University.
Bossa Nova University.
Chevy Nova University.

Slippery Rock State College.
Crocodile Rock State College.
Jailhouse Rock State College.
Rock Around the Clock State College.
Go Crawl Under a Rock State College.

Smith College.
Jones College.
John Doe College.
John Q. Public College.

Sarah Lawrence College.
Sarah Bernhardt College.
Sarah Jane Smith College.
Sara Lee College.

Holy Apostles College.
Holy Names College.
Holy Family College.
Holy Toledo College.
Holy Hamburgers, Batman! College.

Sweet Briar College.
Sweet and Sour Briar College.
Twice Cooked Briar College.
Szechwan Briar With Hot Bean Curd and Crispy Noodles College.

Grambling State University.
Smroking State University.
Drrinking State University.
Whroring State University.

Creighton University.
Cardboard Bachson University.
Shipping Contaigneron University.
Mailing Tyoobon University.

Worcester Polytechnic Institute.
Teriyaki Polytechnic Institute.
Soy Polytechnic Institute.
A-1 Steak Polytechnic Institute.
Heinz 57 Steak Polytechnic Institute.

Case Western Reserve University.
Case Eastern Loquacity University.
Case Southern Charm University.
Case Midwestern Folksiness University.

Tuskegee Institute.
Hornegee Institute.
Antleregee Institute.

Oberlin College.
Oberkellner College.
Oberkommando College.
Oberbuergermeister College.

Millikin University.
Rutherferd University.
Schroedingor University.
Einsteen University.

Bowling Green State University.
Bowling Alley State University.
Bowling Pin State University.
Bowling Jacket State University.
Bowling Shoes State University.
Bowling Trophy State University.

Bob Jones University.
Bob Hope University.
Bob Barker University.
Bob Newhart University.
Bob Evans Restaurant University.
J. R. Bob Dobbs University.

Open Bible College.
Closed Bible College.
Open Just a Crack Bible College.
Open Weekdays Nine To Five Bible College.

Moody Bible Institute.
Pensive Bible Institute.
Peevish Bible Institute.
Depressed Bible Institute.
Paranoid Schizophrenic Bible Institute.
Stark Raving Mad Bible Institute on Antipsychotic Drugs.

Liberty Baptist College.
Equality Baptist College.
Fraternity Baptist College.
French Revolutionary Baptist College.

* suggested by ajd@itl.itd.umich.edu (Arthur J. Delano); used with permission

06
Dec

Mail carriers.

What kind of drugs are mail carriers not tested for?

SPEED!

06
Dec

The best memory.

Who Has The Best Memory?

Three guys are debating who has the best memory.

First guy says, I can remember the first day of my First Grade class.

Second guy says, I can remember my first day at Nursery School!

Not to be outdone, the third guy says, Hell, thats nothing… I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother!