Un abogado muere y se va a las puertas del cielo. Ahí se encuentra con que la fila de gente que espera para ver si va a entrar es inmensa y que en la punta está San Pedro atendiendo. Ya estaba decidido a esperar una eternidad en semejante cola cuando ve que el propio San Pedro en persona se le acerca y tomándolo del brazo delicadamente lo lleva hasta un sillón muy cómodo que está cerca del comienzo de la cola y le dice que no se impaciente que en seguida lo va a atender… El tipo, asombrado por tal trato preferencial le pregunta:

¡Oiga, San Pedro! ¿Cómo es que me atienden con tanto esmero?

Lo que pasa es que estuve inspeccionando los talonarios con que facturaba las cuentas a sus clientes, y por la suma de las horas trabajadas veo que debe tener unos doscientos cincuenta años…

Estaremos siempre al lado del gobierno… porque si vamos adelante nos coge, y si vamos detrás nos caga.

En Argentina tenemos los mejores legisladores… que el dinero pueda comprar.

Basta ya de realidades, queremos promesas.

La patria dejará de ser colonia o moriremos todos perfumados.

El país estaba al borde del abismo y con Duhalde hemos dado un paso adelante.

La deuda que le estoy dejando al país no es externa, es eterna. Menem.

Las inundaciones no se producen porque los ríos crecen, sino porque el país se hunde.

Algunos nacen con suerte, otros en Argentina.

Prohibido robar, el gobierno no admite competencia.

Las putas al poder, porque con los hijos, no nos fue bien

Este gobierno es como un bikini, nadie sabe como se sostiene pero todos quieren que se caiga.

No se tome la vida tan seriamente: Igualmente no va a salir vivo de ella.

Argentina es una granja cerrada por falta de huevos

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?

A: Artificial Intelligence!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

61. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like youre holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.

21. If your social life consists of a date with the library

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. Theres no way they can catch a Mercedes, he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…. Then the reality of the situation hit him. What am I doing? he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. Its been a long day, this is the end of my shift and its Friday the 13th. I dont feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I havent heard before, you can go. The guy thinks for a second and says, Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back! Have a nice weekend, said the officer.

Ahhh…I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again…

I dont know what your problem is, but Ill bet its hard to pronounce.

I see youve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Ill try being nicer if youll try being smarter.

It sounds like English, but I cant understand a word youre saying.

I can see your point, but I still think youre full of shit.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just dont give a damn.

Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Thank you. Were all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?

Do I look like a people person?

This isnt an office. Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Im trying to imagine you with a personality.

Can I trade this job for whats behind door #1?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

At a resort, a guy walks up to an older fellow who is sitting in the sun, sipping iced tea. The young guy says, Hey, how about a round of golf?Nah, the older fellow replies, tried it once, didnt like it.Well, how about a swim? Itll be more refreshing that your iced tea there.Nah, the older fellow responds, tried it once, didnt like it.Young guy says, Well, how about a game of tennis?Naw, tried it once and didnt like it. But my son will be here soon. Hes usually up for a game or two.The younger guy replies, Your only child I presume?

In an inner city school, a questionaire was sent home with a new pupil, requesting information regarding the home environment, number of brothers and sisters, fathers occupation, etc.

The next day she returned with a scrap of paper on which was the following: We have eighteen children. My husband can also do plumbing and carpentry work.