Old and New Jokes

Q: Whats the best job a dumb blonde ever had?
A: Vice-president of the United States.

9. Thy external identifiers shall be unique in the first six characters, though this harsh discipline be irksome and the years of its necessity stretch before thee seemingly without end, lest thou tear thy hair out and go mad on that fateful day when thou desirest to make thy program run on an old system.

A little boy named little Johny runs upto his mom from outside and says Mommy, can little girls have babies?

Oh course not replies the mom and starts chopping some onions.

Great! Then little Johny runs outside and yells ITS OK! WE CAN PLAY THE GAME AGAIN!

Llega un borracho a su casa, a las 4 a.m., cantando a todo pulmón; sale su mujer y le reclama:

¡Cállate, que todo el vecindario se va a despertar!

¿Y qué?, prefiero ser borracho conocido que alcohólico anónimo.

Oye Venancio, ¿quieres oír mi nuevo chiste?

Está bien Manolo, cuenta.

Di trece.

Trece.

¡La cola se te enverdece!

Venancio va fascinado con el chiste de Manolo y se encuentra a un amigo.

A ver, te voy a contar un chiste.

Bueno.

Di trece.

Trece.

¿Cómo iba? A ver, di otra vez trece.

Trece ¡caray!

Bueno, no me acuerdo como va, pero te va a salir una rama verde por el culo.

Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldnt drive…

Two Golfers were approaching the first tee.



The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend – Hey, why dont you try this ball. He draws a green golf ball out of his bag.

Use this one – You cant lose it!



His friend replies, What do you mean you cant lose it?!!

The first man replies, Im serious, you cant lose it.



If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.



Obviously, his friend doesnt believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, Wow! Thats incredible! Where did you get that ball?



The man replies, I found it.



(Think about it… itll come to you

What did the Jewish pedophile ask the little girl?

– Hey, little girl, you want to buy some candy?

Do you know why Mexicans eat refried beans?

– Have you ever heard of one doing something right the first time?

The following comments are those of Bill Hall who is a syndicated humor columnist for the Lewiston Morning Tribune in Lewiston, Idaho.

Consider bathing, for instance. As a general rule, middle-aged women take baths at night. The men shower each morning. The men like to go to bed dirty and go to work clean. Women prefer to go to bed clean and to work dirty. Thats why men usually take their coffee breaks with other men.

Women read more boring magazines than men. They read silly, pedestrian magazines filled with articles on making quilts, turning bleach bottles into stunning centerpieces, the use of orange eyeshadow and how to get men to shower before going to bed instead of before going to work.

Men read sensible, intellectual journals on how to catch fish and kill little animals.

When a man cooks, he keeps his knives sharp. Most female cooks dont. Indeed, most female cooks dont even own a decent kitchen knife, let alone a sharp one.

Female cooks offer the excuse that they would cut themselves if they had a sharp knife. And anyone with knives that lousy probably would.

There is another difference between male and female cooks. Female cooks generally cook better with dull knives than male cooks do with sharp knives. Thats how infuriating female cooks can be.

Most women in my age group wear dresses occasionally. Only a few of my male friends do and then only in the privacy of their own homes.

The women hobble around on high-heeled shoes. Most men would never do anything that silly. In fact, there is a name for the kind of men who wear high heels. They are called cowboys.

Women laugh at men for wearing neckties and coats on 100-degree summer days. They snicker at men for wearing more clothes than necessary in hot weather. However, the women who do that are sweating in their pantyhose.

Most women in my age group wear make-up. Very few of the men do. There is a name for men who wear make-up. They are called weird cowboys.

Women are far more likely to be lousy tippers in restaurants, and to complain thereafter that men always get better service than they do.

Women fold their underwear. Most men merely stuff their underwear into the drawer. Men use the time they save to catch fish and kill little animals.

Most women, when lost, will stop and ask directions. Most men in my age group believe admitting youre lost will cast doubt on your manhood. Thats why so many macho men are lost. Smarter men prove their manhood by stopping and asking women for directions, even when they arent lost.

There is another big difference between men and women in my age group. A competent man tends to rise through the ranks so easily that he eventually reaches a level where he is incompetent. Dr. Laurence J. Peter has dubbed this process the Peter Principle.

Women in my age group tend to be held below the level of their competence, making them embarrassing to work with because they tend to outshine male colleagues at the same level.

This is known as the Pain-in-the-Neck Principle. Incompetent men who have been subjected to that humiliation retaliate by refusing to promote women. And rightly so. You dont want people in the board room who dont shower each morning.