Old and New Jokes

Marriage

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, Arent you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? The other replied, Yes I am, I married the wrong man.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then hes finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelors degree and the woman gets her masters.

A little boy asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? And the father replied, I dont know, son, Im still paying.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesnt know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.

Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks And the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, I was a fool when I married you. The husband replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didnt notice.

It doesnt matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends Up with the same boss.

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: Wife wanted. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

A woman was telling her friend , It is I who made my husband a millionaire. And what was he before you married him. Asked the friend. The woman replied, A billionaire.

God says to Adam, What would you like in a wife? Hmmm, says Adam, Id like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. Id like her to do whatever I tell her to. Id like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me. Hmmmm, God says, I can do it, but itll cost you an arm and a leg. Oh, says Adam, Well what can I get for a rib?

Theres a Marine, an Airforce Commando, a Navy Seal and a Green Beret sitting around a campfire telling each-other how mean and tough they are.

The Marine says – I can swim 50 miles and bite the head off a live chicken. One Marine is worth 5 other men.

The Airforce Commando says – I can clear runways one-handed and kill a man with my bare hands. One Airforce Commando is worth 10 other men.

The Navy Seal says – Yeah? Well I can dive up to 90 feet without air, and Im an expert in demolitions. One Navy Seal is worth 13 other men.

The Green Beret just sat there all this time saying nothing, stirring the fire with his dick.

A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?

Because he was conceived during a mighty storm, she said.

Then he asked Why is my sister named Cornflower?

Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her, she replied.

He then asked And why is my other sister called Moonchild?

We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived, the mother replies.

The mother paused and said to her son…

Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious

Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didnt think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off. Why, Peter, Jesus said. You know your health is my first
concern. Take as much time as you need.As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane. As the man neared, Jesus said, Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?Well, replied the man, I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven.We would certainly love to have you, said Jesus, but we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself, said the man. I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son, he continued, now HE was special!With pride in his voice he said, I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day hes known throughout the world and loved by all alike.As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, Father!Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, Pinocchio!

1. He took public transportation to and from his bank robbery.
2. He is using his seeing eye dog as a look-out.
3. Instead of a cherry pie, she shoplifted yeast, flour, eggs, and a jar of cherries.
4. You caught him driving a stolen car with The Club still on.
5. He tries to convince you that he thought crack was a breakfast cereal.
6. He responds to your use of verbal force with a bunch of Yomomma one-liners.
7. He makes himself laugh every time he says hes innocent.
8. He claims diplomatic immunity because hes a citizen of the Republic of Texas.
9. He asks the judge for a senior citizen discount on his 7-year sentence.
10. He left footprints and a bloody glove at the crime scene.

There was great disorder in the Hall of the August Personages.

All these meetings have really confused me, said the Lord of Storms. Now I dont know if I have to send rain or generate a storm.

The Lord of Happiness was equally furious. I dont know if I have to reward a person with a lucky win or deliver hope to their doorstep.

What about me? said the Lord of Natural Disasters, I dont know when to move the Earth or when to erupt a volcano.

The Lord of Orders (whose job was to organise meetings) finally spoke.

Let us, he said, hold a meeting to discuss our meetings.

Moral: A rooster only gets pleasure in crowing.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.

The priest asks, Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?

Yes, Father, it is.

And who was the woman you were with?

Sure and I cant be tellin you, Father. I dont want to ruin her reputation.

Well, Tommy, Im sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda OMalley?

I cannot say.

Was it Patricia Kelly?

Ill never tell.

Was it Liz Shannon?

Im sorry, but Ill not name her.

Was it Cathy Morgan?

My lips are sealed.

Was it Fiona McDonald, then?

Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. Youre a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But youve sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now.

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, Whatd you get?

Five good leads, says Tommy.

If a man and a woman get married in Texas and move to Washington are they still brother and sister?

Ms. Nice Gal – Tickets to the boxing match? Oh darling, you shouldnt have.

Also Known As: What a Girl, Precious, One of the Boys, Doormat

Advantages: Cheerful, Agreeable, Kindly

Disadvantages: May wise up someday.

Old Yeller – You spineless good-for-nothing no- talent SOB! Cant you see youre making me miserable?

Also Known As: She-Devil, Sourpuss, The Nag, My Old Lady

Advantages: Pays attention to you.

Disadvantages: Screeches, Throws frying pans

Sickly – Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps.

Also Known As: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy

Advantages: Predictable

Disadvantages: Contagious

The Boss – Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Dont give me that look.

Also Known As: Whipcracker, Sergeant, Ms. Know-it-All, Ball and Chain

Advantages: Often right

Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied – I just cant decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, or hair colour?

Also Known As: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw Cmon Honey

Advantages: Easily soothed

Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman – Ive got an idea. Lets get drunk and make love on the front lawn. Ive done it before. Its fun!

Also Known As: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Unconscious

Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.

Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy – I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at

Also Known As: No Fun, Humorless, Cold Fish, Iceberg, Snarly

Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.

Disadvantages: You will have no friends.

Woman from Mars – I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship

Also Known As: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic

Advantages: Entertaining, Unfathomable

Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.

Ms. Dreamgirl – I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I want to make love to you like a crazed weasel.

Also Known As: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, The One

Advantages: Funny, Intelligent, Uninhibited

Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.

You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says Just Say No To Crack and it reminds you to pull up your pants!