Father: (at the hospital looking through the glass at the newly arrived babies) Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled! Isnt she adorable?
Friend: But your kid didnt smile.
Father: I was talking about the nurse.
What is the difference between like and love? Answer: spit and swallow!
The barman charges him 10 cents. Confused, but not complaining, the man pays.
After a while he decides to have another, and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The barman charges him 25 cents, 10 for the beer and 15 for the food. After finishing his food and drink, he calls the barman over and says, Mate, that was the best steak Ive ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him. No problem, says the barman. Hes upstairs with my wife. Whats he doing upstairs with your wife? asks the man. Probably the same thing Im doing to his business down here!
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone elses cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk they think you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone elses cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
A cowboy was captured by some Indians, and, upon his capture, the chief of the tribe explained the rules: You have 3 days before you are killed. Each day you get one wish, but, on the third day you will die.
After this proclamation of promise, the chief asks the cowboy his first desire, but the cowboy says he must talk to his horse first. The chief grants the request, and the cowboy whispers into the horses ear and sends him galloping off.
At sunset, the trusty steed returns with a voluptuous, naked brunette. The cowboy helps the woman from the horses back, takes her into his wigwam and makes love to her all night long.
On the second day, the chief says to the cowboy, This is second day. What is second wish? The cowboy, once again, requests a conference with his horse, and, once again, the horse rides off from the Indian camp. At sunset, the animal returns with a voluptuous, naked red-head. As before, the cowboy takes the woman into his quarters and makes love to her all night long.
On the third day of captivity, the chief goes to the cowboy and says, This is your last day of life. What is last wish before you die?
AGAIN, the cowboy requests to speak with his horse, but, this time, the cowboy does not whisper in the equestrian ear. He grabs the harness and gets nose-to-nose with the horse and screams, THIS TIME BRING THE POSEE!!!!
Theres this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor. I mean hes a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this birds foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the parrot by the throat,shakes him really hard, and yells, QUIT IT!. This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says OK for you and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches. When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes and uses words Lenny Bruce and George Carlin NEVER thought about trying to use in their acts. Then suddenly, it gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply chilled. After a couple of minutes of silence, hes so worried that he opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the mans outstretched arm and says,Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. Ill do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. The man is astonished. He cant understand the transformation that has taken place. Then the parrot says, By the way, what did the chicken do?
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone.
He walks up to her and says, Hi there, hows it going tonight?
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, Ill screw anybody at any time, any where … your place or my place, it doesnt matter to me.
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, Really? What law firm do you work for?
How did the blonde die raking leaves? She fell out of the tree!
Once a Frenchman, an Englishman and an Irishman were sentenced to be whipped 100 times. They had the option to make it less painful by putting anything they wanted on their backs. The Frenchman, knowing alchohol eases pain, asked to have French beer on his back. The Englishman did they same with English beer. But the Irishman asked to put the Frenchman on his back!
A little boy was in a relatives wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between brides side and grooms side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, “ROAR,” step, step, “ROAR,” all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
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