Old and New Jokes

Mr Harpreet Singh Gulati is traveling from Moscow to Turban Pore [Capital of Khalistan] by “Kithe” Pacific.Seated besides him is Gary Kasparov. Gary asks him whether he would like to play chess to kill time.

Gulati :Oye Gar(r)y. You think I dont know who U are?. I cant compete with a world champion

Gary : How about if I play left handed ?

Gulati : [Think.. Think..] OK!

Gulati is demolished in 4 moves… and is very upset through-out the rest of the journey. On landing he meets his friend Manpreet Singh.

Gulati : Hey! U know what! I played Chess with Gary Kasparov and he defeated me in spite of him playing left-handed…

Manpreet : Oye ullu-de pathey!! He sure did fool you!! U know what!! Gary IS LEFT-HANDED!!

Isnt this the truth!…

1970: Long Hair

2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high.

2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

1970: Keg.

2000: EKG.

1970: Acid Rock.

2000: Acid Reflux.

1970: Moving to California because its cool.

2000: Moving to California because its warm.

1970: Growing pot.

2000: Growing pot belly.

1970: Douglas Street bridge.

2000: Dental bridge.

1970: Watching John Glenns historic flight with your parents.

2000: Watching John Glenns historic flight with your children.

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

1970: Seeds and stems.

2000: Roughage.

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.

2000: Popping joints.

1970: Our presidents struggle with Fidel.

2000: Our presidents struggle with fidelity.

1970: Paar.

2000: AARP.

1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

1970: Killer weed.

2000: Weed killer.

1970: Hoping for a BMW.

2000: Hoping for a BM.

1970: The Grateful Dead.

2000: Dr. Kevorkian.

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.

2000: Getting a new hip joint.

1970: Rolling Stones.

2000: Kidney stones.

1970: Being called into the principals office.

2000: Calling the principals office.

1970: Screw the system!

2000: Upgrade the system.

1970: Peace sign.

2000: Mercedes logo.

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.

2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

1970: Take acid.

2000: Take antacid.

1970: Passing the drivers test.

2000: Passing the vision test.

1970: Whatever

2000: Depends

(Source unknown and many years old)

From 13 to 18 a woman is like Africa – virgin and unexplored

From 19 to 35 she is like Asia – hot and exotic

From 36 to 45 she is like America – fully explored and free with her resources

From 46 to 55 she is like Europe – exhausted, but still has points of interest

From 56 on she is like Australia – everyone knows its down there but no one
gives a damn.

My fiancee and I made this up today:

A Jewish father has two kids who want to sell lemonade on the
street corner for 15 cents a glass. He figures hell spend about
3 bucks on the ingredients, the kids will sell maybe 10 glasses and
then drink the rest and get stomach aches. His eventual response:

Go stand on the corner for two hours and come back, Ill give
you two dollars. Everybody wins.

An Sudanese went down to South Africa to visit a buddy of his. They went driving down the highway in the South Africans pick-up. Around a bend in the road they came across an Indian. The South African pulls out his gun and shoots the Zulu. The Sudanese says Hey! What did you do that for!!??

The South African says Its legal to do that here!

The Sudanese says Okay. Seems pretty strange to me but if you say so.

They drive along a little more and come across another Zulu. The South African takes out his gun and shots him as well. The Sudanese says Are you sure its legal to do that here?.

The South African says Sure … we do it all the time.

So, they drive into this small town and stop at a liquor store. The Sudanese puts a case of beer in the back of the truck just as an Zulu is crossing the street towards him. He takes out the South Africans gun and shoots the Zulu. The South African comes running over and says Whoa … what are you doing? You cant shoot him!!

And the Sudanese says But you said it was legal!

And the South African says It is but you cant use bait!

(this joke seems to work no matter what ethnic groups you use: South African – majority or dominant group; Sudanese – visitor; Zulu – victims group)

An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.

Are these your grandkids? the reporter asked.

Naw, sir, they all be my younguns, the old man replied with a sly grin.

Your kids? said the reporter. What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?

Naw, sir, said the old man. She be my wife.

Your wife? said the surprised reporter. But she cant be more than 19 years old.

Thass right, said the old man with pride.

Well, surely you cant have a sex life with you being 115 and she being only 19, the reporter remarked.

Naw, sir, said the old man. We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on her, and every morning six of my boys helps me off.

Wait just one minute, said the newspaperman. Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?

Cause, the spry old man said with a balled fist, I fights em.

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox.

The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and dont talk about private matters in public.

At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself.

Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little girl and says Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose.

And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom. When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks Did you powder your nose?

Yes, said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox.

Well, then says the little girl, Youd better close your compact because your lipstick is hanging out!

from http://crazie.net/

You might be a redneck if…
Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.

You might be a redneck if…
your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.

How can you tell if a man youre dating is lazy?

He throws his kisses.