Old and New Jokes

Rush Limbaugh announced the following on his TV show, June 29. It was reprinted in the July 1, {Washington [DC] Times}. He stated that with all the attacks on the religious right by the liberals, it was time to find out what their agenda was, so without further delay, here is

The 14 Commandments of the Religious Left (in no particular order):

Thou shalt have no other God except thyself, after all, its thy self-esteem that counts. If thou doth not love thyself, who will?
Thou shalt not make any gravn image out of any substances which cannot be recycled.
Thou shalt not take the name of liberals in criticism, including feminists, racial minorities, or any person who thinks he is a victim of America.
Remember the anniversaries of {Roe v. Wade} and Anita Hills testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee, and keep them holy.
Honor thy mother. If shes dysfunctional, its thy fathers fault.
Thou shalt not kill. With these exceptions: life forms under the second trimester, and those opting for medically assisted suicides.
Thou shalt not commit adultery. Unless thou aspirest to high political office, weareth a condom, or cannot help it.
Thou shalt not steal. Unless thou art disadvantaged or upset with a [California] jury verdict.
Thou shalt not bear false witness. Unless thou are discussing the history of the 1980s, art campaigning, or can afford good legal counsel in the event thou art discovered.
Thou shalt not covet. Unless thou art the victim of gender-related oppression or institutional racism, or art still angy with Reagans tax cuts.
Always hide the real truth about thyself.
Never admit who or what thou really art when campaigning for office.
Always blame someone else for what thou art – even so far as to blame the entire society.
Thou shalt oppose all punishment – except when conservative Republicans or religious right people criticise thee.

You might be redneck if your house has more miles on it than your car!

Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands werent met.

[From Manchesters popular history book, The Glory and the Dream]

The reporter met the troop ship bring back demobilized soldiers after
World War II. He wanted to write a human interest story, and asked
one soldier, Whats the first thing youll do when you get home?

The soldier immediately replied, Fuck my wife.

The reporter realized hed never get that printed, and asked,
Oh. Well, whats the second thing?

Then Ill take off these Goddam filthy combat boots!

On a California freeway:

Fine for Littering

In the window of an Atlanta clothing store:

Sids Pants is Open

On the wall of a British Columbia cleaning service:

Able to Do the Worst Possible Job

In a New York jewelry store:

Genuine Faux Pearls

In a Kansas City oculists office:

Broken lenses duplicated here

In a Boston fast-food parking lot:

Parking for Drive-Through Customers Only

Billboard on Florida highway:

If You Cant Read, We Can Help

On the Triborough Bridge in New York:

In Event of Air Attack Drive Off Bridge

On a Lockhart, Texas, gas station and minimart:

Were out of Rolaids, but weve got gas.

At the basketball court in a Gastonton, North Carolina, YMCA:

Anyone caught hanging from the rim will be suspended

On a Rapid City store:

Give That Bride a Good Case of Worms or Other Fine Bait

On the door of an Ellsworth, Maine, restaurant:

The Indian Trading Post will be closed for Yom Kippur

In a Grand Rapids restaurant:

Half baked chicken

In a Dayton barbershop:

During vacation of owner, a competent hair stylist will be here

On a Jacksonville, Florida, bookstore:

Rare, out-of-print, and nonexistent books

On a construction office in England:

We Specialize in Quick Erections

On a library in Marlboro, New Hampshire, honoring Robert Frost:

Frost Free Library

Modem, She Wrote
Each week, our intrepid detective tries to solve the ultimate mystery: why her modem wont ever connect at 56k.
Micro-CHiPs
Ponch and Jon now patrol the Information Superhighway.
Carlys Angels
Chief exec Carly Fiorina instructs her team of three vixen market analysts on how to prop up HPs sagging stock price.
Hawaii 6.0
An upgraded version of the classic series. Steve McGarrett goes surfing for bad guys online.
T. J. Hacker
A retired cop, with an uncanny resemblance to James T. Kirk, takes up computer hacking to track down the miscreants who canceled his TV show.
The Excel Files
Inexplicable things are happening to the data in Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. Can this puzzle be solved? The truth is out there.
The AOL-Team
Each week, AOL, Time Warner, Netscape, and Mr. T unite to promote corporate mergers and make the world safe for capitalism.
Magnum, PC
This series about a crime-solving personal computer that goes by the code name Deep Blue is based in beautiful Hawaii. Season finale cliff-hanger: Will Deep Blue be seduced by the wily charms of the Texas Instruments Speak n Spell?
The Incredible Bulk
The exciting adventures of Windows, which just keeps growing and growing.
Buffy the Virus Slayer
Buffy and her fearless gang of antivirus definitions stalk and kill VBS files – no small feat while wearing a halter top and high-heeled boots.

via C|Nets Digital Dispatch email newsletter

Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the same bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries – MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?!

A man was driving down a parking lot looking for a place to park. He saw a bumper sticker that read Jesus died for you. After reading that, he said Great, now if youd do the same, Id have a place to park.

Why do vampires need mouthwash?

They have bat breath…

and he sits down on the stool. He orders a steak. He eats it. He takes out his pistol, fires it into the air, and walks out as fast as he came.The man that was sitting next to the panda looked out the bartender curiously, so the bartender showed him a misspelled wildlife guide.The man read,Panda. Native to China. Eats, shoots, and leaves.