Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death.
Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: You will die on a Jewish holiday.
Which one? Arafat asks nervously.
It doesnt matter, replies the psychic. Whenever you die, itll be a new Jewish holiday!
Check out these actual written excuses from parents, excerpted from the Sept/Oct 1996 issue of Campus Life:
Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. She fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
(I sure hope she finds it before the prom!)
Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
(I hate those lo-o-o-ng winter months!)
Chris will not be in school today because he has an acre in his side.
(Wow! Talk about growing pains!)
My son is under the doctors care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
(Ouch!)
Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his fathers fault.
(Blame it on Dad!)
Please excuse Ray from school. He has very loose vowels.
(But I hear his consonants are doing just fine!)
George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
(I suppose he had some vowels too, but I guess theyre OK!)
Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
(Thanks a lot, Mom!)
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does he says to the woman: Do you know what Im doing ?
Yes, she says, youre checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.
Correct, says the doctor.
He then begins to fondle her breasts. Do you know what Im doing now, he says.
Yes, says the woman, youre checking for any lumps or breast cancer.
Thats right, replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. Do you know, he pants what Im doing now?
Yes, she says. Youre getting herpes.
You’ve come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.
The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car—in the “ten items or less†lane.
You’ve stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.
You’ve found yourself discussing rain gutters.
You remember your kid’s names, just not always the right one.
You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.
Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.
You buy “age-defying†makeup and “antiwrinkle†creams and believe they work.
You’ve realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator Muzak.
As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.
You’ve had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic—“for the last time in a generationâ€
You’d pay good money to be strip-searched.
Wal-Mart and target seem to share your fashion sense.
The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.
You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag—in less than five minutes.
You know what Earth Shoes are.
You think if you hear “Stairway to Heaven†one more time your head will explode.
Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.
On Saturday night, when your wife mentions “hot oil, a little friction, and squealing,†you tell her you’ll have the car looked at first thing Monday morning.
Youd better watch out,
Youd better not cry,
Youd better not pout;
Im telling you why.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone. Hes bugging your room,
Hes reading your mail,
Hes keeping a file
And running a tail.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.He hears you in the bedroom,
Surveills you out of doors,
And if that doesnt get the goods,
Then hell use provocateurs.So–you mustnt assume
That you are secure.
On Christmas Eve
Hell kick in your door.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.
A husband was advised by his psychiatrist to assert himself. You dont have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her youre the boss.The man was on fire with enthusiasm and couldnt wait to try the doctors advice! He rushed home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wifes face, and growled, From now on, youre taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, Im going out with the boys and youre going to stay home where you belong. And another thing…you know whos going to comb my hair, iron my pants, polish my shoes and tie my tie?I certainly do, said his wife calmly, The undertaker.
Year after year Bubbas wife pleaded with him
to take her fishing but he kept telling her
she would not enjoy it. She, finally, wore him
down, he consented, and early one morning they
took off to the lake.
They had not been there very long when the fish
began biting. Almost as fast as they cast, a
fish would bite, and they reeled it in. After
catching their limit, Bubba said,
Martha, sweet thang, Im sorry. Youve been good
luck and Im gonna bring you with me the next time.
If youll mark the spot where we caught all these
fish, well go home.
On the way home, Bubba turned to Verna Lou and said,
Sweet thang, how did you mark the spot were all
the fish are so next time Ill know?
Bubba, darlin, I put a big X on the side of
the boat right down closest to the water.
Sweet thang, thats about the dumbest thing I ever
seed you do. Dont you know that wont work? We
may not get the same boat the next time!
They stare at other peoples feet when they talk.
A not so bright guy got a job in a factory and the boys soon befriended him. Just before lunch one day a fellow worker came up to him and said, You notice how the boss has been leaving work early for lunch and comes back late the past few weeks? Well, Ive been going home and spending time with my wife. You oughta try it.
So our young friend snuck home, but as he entered his apartment, he could hear his wife and a man in his bedroom. Sneaking a peak into his bedroom, he caught his wife, with his BOSS in bed. Turning around, he quietly left the apartment and returned to work before his boss got back.
The next day, after the boss left, his friend nudged him and said, I guess thats my cue! You gonna sneak home again today?
To which our young friend replied, Nah, I better not! I almost got caught yesterday!
One night, a father passed by his sons room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didnt quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his sons door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctors early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God youre here — we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"