Psyschiatric Hotline

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

RING
RING
CLICK

Recording – Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesnt matter which number you press.
No one will answer.

(from my colleague Tony, who received it from a colleague, who…)

Odds and Ends

Poza publicata in [ Political ]

A local throwaway paper has a column called News of the Weird which
may be syndicated. Excerpting…

George Bushs August message attempting to woo the support of the
National Letter Carriers missed its mark because campaign officials
sent the message by Federal Express, whose deliveries the union refuses
to accept.

Maurice Suhre

This is heaven … Mmmmm …

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they oohed and aahed the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. Its free, Peter replied, this is Heaven.

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to.

They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, What are the green fees? Peters reply, This is heaven, you play for free.

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. How much to eat? asked the old man.

Dont you understand yet? This is heaven,it is free! Peter replied with some exasperation.

Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables? the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, Thats the best part … you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, This is all your fault. If it werent for your damn bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!

Chinese Jews.

Poza publicata in [ Jewish ]

A Brooklynite tourist was strolling through Hong Kong when he spied a synagogue. He entered and, sure enough, he found a Chinese Rabbi and a Chinese congregation.


Even though he spoke no Chinese, he was touched by the service.


The rabbi stood by the door greeting his congregants, When the Brooklynite shook the rabbis hand, the rabbi asked, You Jew?


The man answered Yes


The rabbi replied, Funny, you dont look Jewish!

The Trainee…

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone – Get me a coffee, quickly!

The voice from the other side responded, You fool youve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who youre talking to, dumbo?

No, replied the trainee.

Its the CEO of the company, you fool!

The trainee shouts back, And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!

No. replied the CEO indignantly.

Good! replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

San Francisco

Poza publicata in [ Naughty ]

A naive young girl from a small town was visiting friends in San Francisco. She
phoned her mom to let her know how she was getting along.

Things are rather strange here. I see men who hold hands, kiss and hug each
other. Theyre called gays or homosexuals. Even more surprising, there are
women here who do the same things and they are referred to as lesbians. You
probably wont believe this, but some men here put their heads down on a womans
private parts and do things with their tongues.

Good Lord, her mom said. What do they call them?

Well, after I caught my breath I called one of them precious!

Worst Analagies Written By High Schoolers

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

Worst Analagies Written By High Schoolers

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldnt.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when youre on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.comaaakk/ch@ung but gets T:flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like Second Tall Man.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigans teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

The New Hunter

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asked her, What are you up to?

Alice smiled. Im going hunting with you!

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, If you see a deer, take careful aim and Ill come running back as soon as I hear the shot.

Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldnt bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: Get away from my deer!

Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: Get away from my deer! followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!

The Legend of the Trids

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

There once was this group of strange beings called Trids. The Trids were only about a foot long, and the lived in a valley next to a hill. Every day they would climb the hill to gather berries and other plant foods.

At the top of the hill lived an Ogre that always kicked the Trids down the hill.

Finally, the leader of the Trids called a local Rabbi to come help them get food and to talk to the ogre. The Rabbi stood behind a tree on the hill and watched the Trids climb up the hill.

All was fine, until the Ogre popped out of a cave and one-by-one kicked the screaming Trids down the hill.

The Rabbi scaled the hill and asked the hideous creature why he kept kicking the Trids.

The Ogre looked over at the Rabbi and simply replied, Silly Rabbi, Kicks are for Trids.

Boredom in Old Age

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old lady turns to the other and asks, Do you still get horny?The other replies, Oh sure I do.The first old lady asks, What do you do about it?The second old lady replies, I suck a Life Saver.After a few moments, the first old lady asks, Who drives you to the beach?