[From Manchesters popular history book, The Glory and the Dream]
The reporter met the troop ship bring back demobilized soldiers after
World War II. He wanted to write a human interest story, and asked
one soldier, Whats the first thing youll do when you get home?
The soldier immediately replied, Fuck my wife.
The reporter realized hed never get that printed, and asked,
Oh. Well, whats the second thing?
Then Ill take off these Goddam filthy combat boots!
On a California freeway:
Fine for Littering
In the window of an Atlanta clothing store:
Sids Pants is Open
On the wall of a British Columbia cleaning service:
Able to Do the Worst Possible Job
In a New York jewelry store:
Genuine Faux Pearls
In a Kansas City oculists office:
Broken lenses duplicated here
In a Boston fast-food parking lot:
Parking for Drive-Through Customers Only
Billboard on Florida highway:
If You Cant Read, We Can Help
On the Triborough Bridge in New York:
In Event of Air Attack Drive Off Bridge
On a Lockhart, Texas, gas station and minimart:
Were out of Rolaids, but weve got gas.
At the basketball court in a Gastonton, North Carolina, YMCA:
Anyone caught hanging from the rim will be suspended
On a Rapid City store:
Give That Bride a Good Case of Worms or Other Fine Bait
On the door of an Ellsworth, Maine, restaurant:
The Indian Trading Post will be closed for Yom Kippur
In a Grand Rapids restaurant:
Half baked chicken
In a Dayton barbershop:
During vacation of owner, a competent hair stylist will be here
On a Jacksonville, Florida, bookstore:
Rare, out-of-print, and nonexistent books
On a construction office in England:
We Specialize in Quick Erections
On a library in Marlboro, New Hampshire, honoring Robert Frost:
Frost Free Library
Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the same bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries – MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?!
A man was driving down a parking lot looking for a place to park. He saw a bumper sticker that read Jesus died for you. After reading that, he said Great, now if youd do the same, Id have a place to park.
Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath…
and he sits down on the stool. He orders a steak. He eats it. He takes out his pistol, fires it into the air, and walks out as fast as he came.The man that was sitting next to the panda looked out the bartender curiously, so the bartender showed him a misspelled wildlife guide.The man read,Panda. Native to China. Eats, shoots, and leaves.
Yo mommas so ugly , she even made the onions cry!
What is the difference between like and love? Answer: spit and swallow!
The barman charges him 10 cents. Confused, but not complaining, the man pays.
After a while he decides to have another, and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The barman charges him 25 cents, 10 for the beer and 15 for the food. After finishing his food and drink, he calls the barman over and says, Mate, that was the best steak Ive ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him. No problem, says the barman. Hes upstairs with my wife. Whats he doing upstairs with your wife? asks the man. Probably the same thing Im doing to his business down here!
A cowboy was captured by some Indians, and, upon his capture, the chief of the tribe explained the rules: You have 3 days before you are killed. Each day you get one wish, but, on the third day you will die.
After this proclamation of promise, the chief asks the cowboy his first desire, but the cowboy says he must talk to his horse first. The chief grants the request, and the cowboy whispers into the horses ear and sends him galloping off.
At sunset, the trusty steed returns with a voluptuous, naked brunette. The cowboy helps the woman from the horses back, takes her into his wigwam and makes love to her all night long.
On the second day, the chief says to the cowboy, This is second day. What is second wish? The cowboy, once again, requests a conference with his horse, and, once again, the horse rides off from the Indian camp. At sunset, the animal returns with a voluptuous, naked red-head. As before, the cowboy takes the woman into his quarters and makes love to her all night long.
On the third day of captivity, the chief goes to the cowboy and says, This is your last day of life. What is last wish before you die?
AGAIN, the cowboy requests to speak with his horse, but, this time, the cowboy does not whisper in the equestrian ear. He grabs the harness and gets nose-to-nose with the horse and screams, THIS TIME BRING THE POSEE!!!!