Old and New Jokes

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. Its for my husband, she tells the clerk.

Did he tell you what gauge to get? asked the clerk.

Are you kidding? she says. He doesnt even know that Im going to shoot him!

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husbands car pull into the driveway.

Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes, she yelled to her lover. And jump out the window. My husbands home early!

I cant jump out the window! came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. Its raining out there!

If my husband catches us in here, hell kill us both! she replied.

Hes got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the towns annual marathon.

He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.

It wasnt that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude? one asked.

Oh yes he replied, gasping in air. It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while youre running.

Another runner moved alongside. Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?

Oh, yes our friend answered breathlessly. That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. Do you always wear a condom when you run?

Only if its raining.

In a cemetery.

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, Thats once. A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, Thats twice. After a little while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didnt say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride scolded him, That was an awful thing to do! The farmer said, Thats once.

A friend of mine had bone marrow cancer in his left leg and his oncologist recommended amputating the leg. After getting a confirming second opinion, my friend agrees to surgery.

When he wakes up, he discovers theyve taken the wrong leg. He still has to undergo the amputation which the doctor volunteers to do for free.

After the second surgery, my friend sues but in this world where the most money wins, he loses his suit.

The judge ruled he didnt have a leg to stand on.

Dont be sexist. Broads hate that!

Age 25: Tri-weekly
Age 45: Try-weekly
Age 69: Try-weakly

Yo mamma so fat she fills the tub, *then* turns on the water!!

You might be a Redneck Jedi if…

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* You ever heard the phrase, May the force be with yall.

* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

* Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

* You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didnt have to wait for a commercial.

* You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

* Your father has ever said to you, Shoot, son come on over to the dark side…itll be a hoot.

* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

* You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

* You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

* You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

* You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

* If you hear . . . Luke, I am your father… and your uncle…

38 Long