Old and New Jokes

Neither has he.

MEMO TO ALL EMS PERSONNEL

To: All EMS Personnel

From: Chief of Operations

Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

Stroke patients are NOT Charlie Carrots. Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or hamburger helper. Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like negative vehicle to vehicle interface or terminal deceleration syndrome.

HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not glow worms.

Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered pharmaceutically gifted.

Gunshot wounds to the head are not trans-occipital implants.

The homeless are not urban outdoorsmen, nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a PVC Challenge.

And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being paws up, ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.

10) They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

9) This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.

8) Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably go here just in time!

7) I wasnt sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.

6) I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.

5) I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relive work-related stess. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?

4) Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

3) The coffee machine is broken…

2) Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot…

1) …..in Jesus name, Amen.

Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: You will die on a Jewish holiday.

Which one? Arafat asks nervously.

It doesnt matter, replies the psychic. Whenever you die, itll be a new Jewish holiday!

Check out these actual written excuses from parents, excerpted from the Sept/Oct 1996 issue of Campus Life:

Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. She fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.

(I sure hope she finds it before the prom!)

Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

(I hate those lo-o-o-ng winter months!)

Chris will not be in school today because he has an acre in his side.

(Wow! Talk about growing pains!)

My son is under the doctors care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.

(Ouch!)

Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his fathers fault.

(Blame it on Dad!)

Please excuse Ray from school. He has very loose vowels.

(But I hear his consonants are doing just fine!)

George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.

(I suppose he had some vowels too, but I guess theyre OK!)

Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

(Thanks a lot, Mom!)

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.



As he does he says to the woman: Do you know what Im doing ?



Yes, she says, youre checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.

Correct, says the doctor.



He then begins to fondle her breasts. Do you know what Im doing now, he says.

Yes, says the woman, youre checking for any lumps or breast cancer.



Thats right, replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. Do you know, he pants what Im doing now?



Yes, she says. Youre getting herpes.

You’ve come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.

The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car—in the “ten items or less” lane.

You’ve stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.

You’ve found yourself discussing rain gutters.

You remember your kid’s names, just not always the right one.

You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.

Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.

You buy “age-defying” makeup and “antiwrinkle” creams and believe they work.

You’ve realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.

You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator Muzak.

As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.

You’ve had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic—“for the last time in a generation”

You’d pay good money to be strip-searched.

Wal-Mart and target seem to share your fashion sense.

The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.

You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag—in less than five minutes.

You know what Earth Shoes are.

You think if you hear “Stairway to Heaven” one more time your head will explode.

Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.

On Saturday night, when your wife mentions “hot oil, a little friction, and squealing,” you tell her you’ll have the car looked at first thing Monday morning.

Youd better watch out,
Youd better not cry,
Youd better not pout;
Im telling you why.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone. Hes bugging your room,
Hes reading your mail,
Hes keeping a file
And running a tail.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.He hears you in the bedroom,
Surveills you out of doors,
And if that doesnt get the goods,
Then hell use provocateurs.So–you mustnt assume
That you are secure.
On Christmas Eve
Hell kick in your door.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.

A husband was advised by his psychiatrist to assert himself. You dont have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her youre the boss.The man was on fire with enthusiasm and couldnt wait to try the doctors advice! He rushed home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wifes face, and growled, From now on, youre taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, Im going out with the boys and youre going to stay home where you belong. And another thing…you know whos going to comb my hair, iron my pants, polish my shoes and tie my tie?I certainly do, said his wife calmly, The undertaker.

Year after year Bubbas wife pleaded with him
to take her fishing but he kept telling her
she would not enjoy it. She, finally, wore him
down, he consented, and early one morning they
took off to the lake.

They had not been there very long when the fish
began biting. Almost as fast as they cast, a
fish would bite, and they reeled it in. After
catching their limit, Bubba said,

Martha, sweet thang, Im sorry. Youve been good
luck and Im gonna bring you with me the next time.
If youll mark the spot where we caught all these
fish, well go home.

On the way home, Bubba turned to Verna Lou and said,
Sweet thang, how did you mark the spot were all
the fish are so next time Ill know?

Bubba, darlin, I put a big X on the side of
the boat right down closest to the water.

Sweet thang, thats about the dumbest thing I ever
seed you do. Dont you know that wont work? We
may not get the same boat the next time!