Old and New Jokes

Yo mamma so fat she fills the tub, *then* turns on the water!!

You might be a Redneck Jedi if…

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* You ever heard the phrase, May the force be with yall.

* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

* Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

* You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didnt have to wait for a commercial.

* You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

* Your father has ever said to you, Shoot, son come on over to the dark side…itll be a hoot.

* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

* You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

* You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

* You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

* You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

* If you hear . . . Luke, I am your father… and your uncle…

There were these three American Indians sitting around this campfire one night, discussing where their parents got their names from.

The first Indian said, My parents decided to call me Jumping Deer because when they were conceiving me, a deer went jumping over them.

The second Indian said, My parents named me Running Waterfall because when I was conceived, they were next to a waterfall.

The third Indian said, This is really strange. My parents also named me after something that happened when I was conceived. They named me Broken Condom …

What do you call a bunch of bunnies stepping backwards?
A receding hare line.

RING
RING
CLICK

Recording – Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesnt matter which number you press.
No one will answer.

(from my colleague Tony, who received it from a colleague, who…)

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they oohed and aahed the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. Its free, Peter replied, this is Heaven.

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to.

They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, What are the green fees? Peters reply, This is heaven, you play for free.

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. How much to eat? asked the old man.

Dont you understand yet? This is heaven,it is free! Peter replied with some exasperation.

Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables? the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, Thats the best part … you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, This is all your fault. If it werent for your damn bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!

A local throwaway paper has a column called News of the Weird which
may be syndicated. Excerpting…

George Bushs August message attempting to woo the support of the
National Letter Carriers missed its mark because campaign officials
sent the message by Federal Express, whose deliveries the union refuses
to accept.

Maurice Suhre

A Brooklynite tourist was strolling through Hong Kong when he spied a synagogue. He entered and, sure enough, he found a Chinese Rabbi and a Chinese congregation.


Even though he spoke no Chinese, he was touched by the service.


The rabbi stood by the door greeting his congregants, When the Brooklynite shook the rabbis hand, the rabbi asked, You Jew?


The man answered Yes


The rabbi replied, Funny, you dont look Jewish!

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone – Get me a coffee, quickly!

The voice from the other side responded, You fool youve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who youre talking to, dumbo?

No, replied the trainee.

Its the CEO of the company, you fool!

The trainee shouts back, And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!

No. replied the CEO indignantly.

Good! replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

A naive young girl from a small town was visiting friends in San Francisco. She
phoned her mom to let her know how she was getting along.

Things are rather strange here. I see men who hold hands, kiss and hug each
other. Theyre called gays or homosexuals. Even more surprising, there are
women here who do the same things and they are referred to as lesbians. You
probably wont believe this, but some men here put their heads down on a womans
private parts and do things with their tongues.

Good Lord, her mom said. What do they call them?

Well, after I caught my breath I called one of them precious!