Old and New Jokes

They stare at other peoples feet when they talk.

A not so bright guy got a job in a factory and the boys soon befriended him. Just before lunch one day a fellow worker came up to him and said, You notice how the boss has been leaving work early for lunch and comes back late the past few weeks? Well, Ive been going home and spending time with my wife. You oughta try it.

So our young friend snuck home, but as he entered his apartment, he could hear his wife and a man in his bedroom. Sneaking a peak into his bedroom, he caught his wife, with his BOSS in bed. Turning around, he quietly left the apartment and returned to work before his boss got back.

The next day, after the boss left, his friend nudged him and said, I guess thats my cue! You gonna sneak home again today?

To which our young friend replied, Nah, I better not! I almost got caught yesterday!

One night, a father passed by his sons room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didnt quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his sons door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctors early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God youre here — we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. Its for my husband, she tells the clerk.

Did he tell you what gauge to get? asked the clerk.

Are you kidding? she says. He doesnt even know that Im going to shoot him!

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husbands car pull into the driveway.

Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes, she yelled to her lover. And jump out the window. My husbands home early!

I cant jump out the window! came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. Its raining out there!

If my husband catches us in here, hell kill us both! she replied.

Hes got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the towns annual marathon.

He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.

It wasnt that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude? one asked.

Oh yes he replied, gasping in air. It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while youre running.

Another runner moved alongside. Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?

Oh, yes our friend answered breathlessly. That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. Do you always wear a condom when you run?

Only if its raining.

In a cemetery.

A friend of mine had bone marrow cancer in his left leg and his oncologist recommended amputating the leg. After getting a confirming second opinion, my friend agrees to surgery.

When he wakes up, he discovers theyve taken the wrong leg. He still has to undergo the amputation which the doctor volunteers to do for free.

After the second surgery, my friend sues but in this world where the most money wins, he loses his suit.

The judge ruled he didnt have a leg to stand on.

Dont be sexist. Broads hate that!

Age 25: Tri-weekly
Age 45: Try-weekly
Age 69: Try-weakly

Yo mamma so fat she fills the tub, *then* turns on the water!!