Old and New Jokes

Did you hear about the Magic Tractor?It turned into a field.

Thank you all who contribute to this party pranks series, as i told you, i cant pos all the ideas as i lost a file, but here you have:

This poor guy received a slight variation of the tatoo treatment, we painted a treasure map in his stomach with genciana violet (a purple dye that last about a week).

But just when you think it was safe, I put in his lugagge, 5 POUNDS OF RICE! (witout a bag, gee, i forgot the bag) and a note: Sorry i couldnt toss this rice at you at the church!

I wish I could have been there when he had opened his suitcase, and imagine the explanation to the hotel maid about all that rice on the floor of the room!

Also check the Part 1

Q: Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen?A: To draw blood.

An American pilot who had downed a German Messerschmidt, visited the German
pilot in the field hospital. Finding the fellow in pretty bad shape, the
American asked if he could do anything for him.

The Nazi admitted that he did have a favour to ask. The leg they amputated, on
your next bombing run, could you drop it over Germany?

Sure, pal.

It was a pretty weird request, but the pilot was happy to oblige and came back
to tell him the mission had been carried out.

The grateful German gasped his thanks, and another request. The other leg got
very bad, they had to cut it off. Could this, too, be dropped over my homeland?
It would mean a great deal to me.

The American shrugged, but returned two days later with the news that the job
was done.

Many thanks, whispered the downed Nazi, now ashen faced and unable to lift his
head from the pillow. I have just one final request. Last night they had to
amputate my right arm…

Now hang on just a darn minute, interrupted the American angrily. Are you
trying to escape?

An American was sitting in a diner, having Pancakes and Orange juice, when a French guy popping gum sits next to him. After he pops a bubble, he says, Do you eat the crusts on your bread? The American says, Yes, of course.Popping another buble, the French man says, We dont, we spit it out, churn it up, and sell it to America as pancakes. The American, disgusted, just turns away from him. When the Frenchman talks again, he asks, Do you throw away the pits in your fruit? The American, getting annoyed, just shakes his head stiffly. Popping yet another bubble, the Frenchman says, We dont, we take them out, grind them down, and sell it to America as Orange Juice. The American-who has finished with his breakfast-turns to the Frenchman and says, Do You have sex in France?The Frenchman nods and says, Course!The American says,You throw away your condoms?The Frenchman, after popping another bubble, says, Of course we do.The American, smirking, says, We dont, we melt it down, and sell it to France as gum.

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking Im a curtain. Psychiatrist: Pull yourself together!

Three friends died and went to heaven. The first friend, Sarah, was the first one to go into the pearly gates and meet God.

Hello Sarah, it is so nice to see you here God said to her. Please make yourself at home and do whatever you want. Slide down the rainbows, sleep on the clouds, just have fun. BUT DONT Step on the ducks God said. We love and cherish ducks here.

So, Sarah goes on her merry way and enjoys herself. Until OPPS! She steps on a duck. Suddenly the ugliest, most hideous man pops up and Sarah realized she must spend the rest of her life with him.

Next, Olivia goes into the pearly gates and God tells her the same thing. Do whatever you want, just DONT step on the ducks. So, Olivia goes on her way and OPPS! She steps on a duck. And she, too has to spend the rest of her life with a ugly, hideous man.

The last friend, Jenn, goes to meet and God and he tells her the same thing. DONT STEP on the ducks.

Finally, a few weeks lateer, Olivia and Sarah are with their ugly men and they run into Jenn. And Jenn is with the most gorgeous guy that anyone had seen.

How did you get so lucky and have such a hot guy? Sarah asked her.

And the gorgeous guy looks up and says I stepped on a Duck!

There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. What time is it, sir? The local reaches out and softly cups the camels genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down. Its about 2:00, he says. The tourist cant believe what he just saw. He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, The man can tell the time by the weight of the camels genitals! One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m. He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camels genitals. The local says Sit down here and grab the camels genitals.The farmer complied.Now, lift them up in the air and look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall.

What does the M.D. after a name of a Soviet emigre physician stand for?

Mentally deficient.

After 40 years of marriage, Jimmy decides to leave Katherine.

She starts crying and then asks, How can you do this, Jimmy? How can you just walk out? The first year we were together, you caught pneumonia and almost died! Who sat by your bed and nursed you back to health? Me!

And when you lost half your family in the terrible car crash, who kept you going and kept your spirits up? Me!

And when our kids grew up and ran away from home, who sat with you can comforted you? Me!

And when you lost everything last year in the fire at the store, who stayed at your side the whole time? Me!

How could you leave me, Jimmy? Youve been through everything with me.

Jimmy replies, Thats just the problem, Katherine! Youre just fucking bad luck!