1. When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard time grasping the concept of marriage. But anyway, I got out our wedding album, thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire service to her. Once finished, I asked if she had any questions, and she replied, Oh, I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us?

2. A mother took her three year old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice Happy Birthday to you…

3. After listening restlessly to a long and tedious sermon, a 6 year old boy asked his father what the preacher did the rest of the week. Oh, hes a very busy man, the father replied. He takes care of church business, visits the sick, ministers to the poor…and then he has to have time to rest up. Talking in public isnt an easy job, you know.
   The boy thought about that, then said, Well, listening aint easy, either.

4. At the beginning of a childrens sermon, one girl comes up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children are sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl, That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?
   The girl replies almost directly into the pastors clip-on mike, Yes, and my Mom says its a bitch to iron. [Mom couldnt have been a Baptist!]

5. I had been teaching my three year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lords Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after me. One night she said she was ready to solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. Lead us not into temptation, she prayed, but deliver us some e-mail. Amen.

A
couple had been married for several years when suddenly
the wife decides shed like to have breast implants.

The husband says, Now, honey, you know we cant afford that kind of thing right
now.

But I see you looking at other women, pleaded his wife, and I want to be as
attractive as they are to you.

Days go by and the wife keeps insisting she needs breast implants, despite the
protests of her husband. Finally, the husband has had it. So he says to his wife, Honey,
I have an idea. Every day, about twice a day, wad up some toilet paper, then
rub it between your breasts. Repeat it 3 or 4 times each time.

You think thatll make my breasts larger!? asked his wife.

Why not? says the husband, It worked on your ass!

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room.

I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen.

The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, Leave me alone!

They both jumped back, silenced. Whaa?? the teacher blubbered.

Then I typed, I said leave me alone!

The kid got really upset. I didnt do anything to it, I swear!

It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: Dont touch me!

Her: Im sorry, I didnt mean to hit your keys that hard.

Me: Who do you think you are anyway?! Etc.

Finally, I couldnt contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

The governors of Alabama, Georgia & Mississippi would like to announce that they have made a disturbing discovery in their states. Apparently, a small number of terrorists have become romantically involved with the locals.

The result was not pretty, and we now have the sad task of reporting a new sector of the human race: ISLAMABUBBAS

So far, only a smattering of actual births has been reported, and we are hard at work trying to isolate and seal them off.

To date, we have identified the following:

Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Bout It
Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba
Bobbie Joe Bubba Charlene Atat
Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl
Cleavie Daba Hava Tampa
Linda Sue Bin There Dunthat

Not surprisingly, they all seem to have sprung from one couple: Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin.

Well keep you posted.

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?

The guard replies, Sure. Theyre sixty-five million, four years, and six months old.

Thats an awfully exact number, says the tourist. How do you know their age so precisely?

The guard answers, Well, they were sixty-five million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.

During the first day of Hanukah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish – the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe.


A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.

The Jewish men were dumbfounded. Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish? they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?

The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said… Shhhh. He thinks were teaching him English.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Polak were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison. However, the guard was rather kind towards them, and said, I am going to lock you away for five years, but Ill let you have anything you want now before I lock you away.

The Englishman says, Ill have five years supply of beer! His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer.

The Frenchman says, Ill have five years supply of brandy! His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his brandy.

The Polak says, Ill have five years supply of cigarettes! His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his cigarettes.

Five years later, the Germans come to release their prisoners. First, they release the Englishman, who staggers out totally drunk. Then, they release the Frenchman, who also rolls out rather drunk.

Finally, they release the Polak, who comes out and says, Has anyone got a light?

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a filmlike substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather: Are these plates clean? His grandfather replied, Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal. That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks. So he asked again, Are you sure these plates are clean? Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now dont ask me about it anymore! Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfathers dog started to growl and wouldnt let him pass so he said, Grandfather, your dog wont let me out. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted: Coldwater! Go lay down!

A local man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub. The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks.

Police suspects a cereal killer.

Q: What do you call a skeleton in a closet?

A: The Miss Blonde Hide-and-Seek Champion of 1985.