Old and New Jokes

What do ceramic tile and men have in common?

If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!

A salesman, while on the road, went to his motel room tired and beat.
Upon pulling down the sheets and about ready to go to bed after a long
and harrowing day, he noticed a hole in the wall with hair around it
and a little sign saying Wife away from home.

So he decided to try the mystery hole, stood up on the bed and put his
(you know what into it). He let out a blood curdling scream and yanked
it out, and there it was, with a button sewn on the end of it.

The official year 2000 Redneck Census Form:

Last name: _______________________

First name: (Check appropriate box)

(_)Billy-Bob

(_)Billy-Joe

(_)Billy-Ray

(_)Billy-Sue

(_)Billy-Mae

(_)Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?

(_)Booger

(_)Bubba

(_)Junior

(_)Sissy

(_)Other____________

Age:____ (if unsure,guess)

Sex:____ M ____ F ____Not sure

Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:(Check appropriate box)

(_)Farmer

(_)Mechanic

(_)Hair Dresser

(_)Unemployed

(_)Dirty Politician

(_)Preacher

Spouses Name:_____________

2nd Spouses Name:_______________

3rd Spouses Name:_______________

Lovers Name:_______________

Relationship with spouse:(Check appropriate box)

(_)Sister

(_)Brother

(_)Aunt

(_)Uncle

(_)Cousin

(_)Mother

(_)Father

(_)Son

(_)Daughter

(_)Pet

Number of children living in the home:_____

Number of the children living in the shed:_____

Number that are yours:_____

Mothers Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Fathers Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade commpleted)

(Check appropriate box)

Total number of vehicles you own:___

Number of vehicles that still crank:___

Number of vehicles in front yard:___

Number of vehicles in the back yard:___

Number of vehicles on cement blocks:___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____truck

____bedroom

____bathroom

____kitchen

____shed

Model and year of your pickup:196_

Do you have a gun rack?

(_)Yes (_)No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

(_)The National Enquirer

(_)The Globe

(_)TV Guide

(_)Soap Opera Digest

(_)Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times youve seen a UFO:_____

Number of times in the last 5 years youve seen Elvis:___

Number of times youve seen Elvis in a UFO:____

How often do you bathe?

(_)Weekly

(_)Monthly

(_)Not Applicable

Color of eyes:

Left_____ Right_____

Color of hair:

(_)Blond

(_)Black

(_)Red

(_)Brown

(_)White

(_)Clairol

Color of teeth:

(_)White

(_)Yellow

(_)Brownish-Yellow

(_)Brown

(_)Black

(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_)1 mile

(_)2 miles

(_)just a whoop-and-a-holler

(_)road?

Q: How do you know youve been kidnapped by a redneck?

A: Hes asking 2 million dollars ransom in unmarked million dollar bills.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldnt wake up the sleeping pills.

Q. What did the snail say when he climbed onto the turtles back?

A. WHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yo mama is so stupid that she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.

Did you hear about the Magic Tractor?It turned into a field.

Thank you all who contribute to this party pranks series, as i told you, i cant pos all the ideas as i lost a file, but here you have:

This poor guy received a slight variation of the tatoo treatment, we painted a treasure map in his stomach with genciana violet (a purple dye that last about a week).

But just when you think it was safe, I put in his lugagge, 5 POUNDS OF RICE! (witout a bag, gee, i forgot the bag) and a note: Sorry i couldnt toss this rice at you at the church!

I wish I could have been there when he had opened his suitcase, and imagine the explanation to the hotel maid about all that rice on the floor of the room!

Also check the Part 1

Q: Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen?A: To draw blood.