Old and New Jokes

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room.

I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen.

The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, Leave me alone!

They both jumped back, silenced. Whaa?? the teacher blubbered.

Then I typed, I said leave me alone!

The kid got really upset. I didnt do anything to it, I swear!

It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: Dont touch me!

Her: Im sorry, I didnt mean to hit your keys that hard.

Me: Who do you think you are anyway?! Etc.

Finally, I couldnt contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

The governors of Alabama, Georgia & Mississippi would like to announce that they have made a disturbing discovery in their states. Apparently, a small number of terrorists have become romantically involved with the locals.

The result was not pretty, and we now have the sad task of reporting a new sector of the human race: ISLAMABUBBAS

So far, only a smattering of actual births has been reported, and we are hard at work trying to isolate and seal them off.

To date, we have identified the following:

Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Bout It
Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba
Bobbie Joe Bubba Charlene Atat
Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl
Cleavie Daba Hava Tampa
Linda Sue Bin There Dunthat

Not surprisingly, they all seem to have sprung from one couple: Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin.

Well keep you posted.

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?

The guard replies, Sure. Theyre sixty-five million, four years, and six months old.

Thats an awfully exact number, says the tourist. How do you know their age so precisely?

The guard answers, Well, they were sixty-five million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.

During the first day of Hanukah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish – the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe.


A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.

The Jewish men were dumbfounded. Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish? they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?

The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said… Shhhh. He thinks were teaching him English.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Polak were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison. However, the guard was rather kind towards them, and said, I am going to lock you away for five years, but Ill let you have anything you want now before I lock you away.

The Englishman says, Ill have five years supply of beer! His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer.

The Frenchman says, Ill have five years supply of brandy! His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his brandy.

The Polak says, Ill have five years supply of cigarettes! His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his cigarettes.

Five years later, the Germans come to release their prisoners. First, they release the Englishman, who staggers out totally drunk. Then, they release the Frenchman, who also rolls out rather drunk.

Finally, they release the Polak, who comes out and says, Has anyone got a light?

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a filmlike substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather: Are these plates clean? His grandfather replied, Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal. That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks. So he asked again, Are you sure these plates are clean? Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now dont ask me about it anymore! Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfathers dog started to growl and wouldnt let him pass so he said, Grandfather, your dog wont let me out. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted: Coldwater! Go lay down!

A local man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub. The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks.

Police suspects a cereal killer.

Q: What do you call a skeleton in a closet?

A: The Miss Blonde Hide-and-Seek Champion of 1985.

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby weighing twenty pounds.

Wow! Twenty pounds! exclaimed many at the bar as they congratulated the proud father.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, Arent you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?

The proud father answered, 10 pounds.

The bartender said, Why, what happened? Didnt he weigh twenty pounds at birth?

The proud Texas father said, Yup …just had him circumcised!

10th…Scattered @#$%^& showers my ass..Noah 4314
9th…How the @#$% did you work that out!..Pythagorus 126BC
8th… You want what on the @#$%^$ ceiling?..Michealangelo 1566
7th…where did all those @#$%^& indians come from?..Custer 1877
6th…It does so @#$%^ look like her!..Picasso 1926
5th…So where the @#$% are we?..Ameleia Earhart 1937
4th…Any @#$%^& Idiot could understand that!..Einstein 1938
3rd…What the @#$% was that??.. Mayor of Hiroshima 1945
2nd..I need this parade like I need a @#$%#$% hole in the head !..JFK 1963
1st…Aw..Cmon..Who the @#$% is gonna find out?..Bill Clinton 1997