These laws were given to me by an old friend who carried has them around in his golf bag for, judging by the age of the paper (and his golf bag), decades. True golfers should understand the words layed out here.



LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and, eventually, a lifetime.



LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.



LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.



LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.



LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant You looked up, or invoke the wrath of the universe.



LAW 6: The higher a golfers handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instuctor.



LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.



LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.



LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.



LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isnt, how do you explain the way it works against you?



LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.



LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.



LAW 13: All 3-woods are domon-possessed.



LAW 14: Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)



LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.



LAW 16: Nice lag can usually be translated to lousy putt. Similarly, tough break can usually be translated way to miss an easy one, sucker.



LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.



LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.



LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.



LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his fathers house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery.

As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girls feet.

Whats this, she asked.

Taste it, he replied, If you like it, Ill give you a whole one!

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.

Devil: Why so glum?

Guy: Why do you think? Im in hell.

Devil: Hells not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.

You a drinking man?

Guy: Sure I love to drink.

Devil: Well youre gonna love Mondays, then. On Mondays thats all we do. Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab… We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Devil: All right! Youre gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, its okay…youre already dead!

Guy: No way!

Devil: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.

Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races; you name it. Weve even opened up a Pai Gow poker table.

Guy: Hmmm, Ive never played pai gow before …

Devil: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love drugs! You dont mean …

Devil: Thats right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. You can do all the drugs you want. If you overdose? Its okay! Youre already dead!!

Guy: Yes! I never realized that hell was such a swinging place!!

Devil: So… are you gay?

Guy: Uh, no.

Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you are gonna HATE Fridays!

A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of

30.

He is persuaded to have a medical exam first. Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if Im sexually fit, he says to the doctor.

Okay, says the medic, let me see your sex organs.

So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.

Theres these two English blokes on a ski-ing trip, and one says to the other, whilst theyre at the top of the hill, What are we supposed to do, then?

To which the other replies, Well, you see those flags … were suppose to zag-zig in between them.

Dont you mean zig-zag? says the other,

No, zag-zig …

Anyway so they argue for quite a while. About as long as it takes for people to get bored with moaning about Squiffy, when one says Well ask Klaus the Kraut. Hell know.

So off they go to Klaus and one says, Tell me Klaus, me owd obergruppermeister, them flags … do we zig-zag or zag-zig?

Vell, says Klaus, I tsink zat you zig-zag, but I dont care, Im a tobogganist.

To which our lad says, Oh great. Ill have 20 Malboro, then.

This joke was told to me this past weekend by Estil Vance, who probably
heard it from someone at Johns Hopkins Medical School.

A ventriloquist was driving through the midwest when his car broke down.
He walked a ways and found a farmer who would let him use his phone. Well,
the farmer seemed to be a real stereotypical rural type, so the ventriloquist
thought it would be possible to have some fun with him. The farmer began
to lead him back to the house.

Along the way, they passed a horse. The ventriloquist said to the farmer,
Is this your horse? The farmer replied, Yep. The ventriloquist asked,
Can he talk? The farmer said, Nope. The ventriloquist then said to the
horse, So, how do you like it here? He then threw his voice, and said in
a horse-like voice, Oh, its pretty good. Every morning the farmer feeds me
oats. Upon hearing this the farmer was startled and quickened his pace.

Soon they came to a cow. The ventriloquist asked, Is this your cow? and
the farmer replied, Yep. He then asked, Does it talk? and the farmer
replied, I..I dont think so. The ventriloquist asked the cow, How do you
like it here? and threw his voice again. In a cow-like voice, he said,
Oh, I like it just fine. Every morning the farmer comes and milks me.
Upon hearing this, the farmer squirmed. He looked down at the ground and
continued walking.

Soon they came to some sheep. The ventriloquist asked, Are these your
sheep? and the farmer replied, Yep. He then asked, Do they talk? and
the farmer exclaimed, Yes, but they lie!

Neil Weinstock

What has 226 teeth and holds back a monster?

This article appeared in todays edition of the Toronto Sun. The TTC is the Toronto Transit Commission, and we usually refer to our subway trains as the rocket.

SIZZLIN HOTLINE DOUSED BY TTC

Whip them. Spank them. Make them ride the rocket in boy scout uniforms.

Beaten, but not bowed, transit officials say it took them no more than a day to realize a wrong number on one of their pamphlets connected riders to a well-travelled sex dominatrix.

TTC spokesman Christine Burkett said yesterday that the Rocket Rider guides were stripped from local transit vehicles last Monday after the number for a Spanish-language transit hotline turned out to be that for a local house of domination.

It was a case of a typo not being caught, Burkett said. Few noticed, but this woman was probably pretty pleased with the business you brought her, Burkett said of a Sun story which told the naughty tale of the snafu. With the fifth digit in the number messed up, what Spanish callers got – instead of TTC tips – was a throaty female voice promoting the Patricia Marsh House of Domination and Fantasy.

It is, according to the sexy voice: One of the worlds top 10 fantasy chambers created by the illustrious Patricia Marsh, renowned for her beauty, wicked imagination and fabulous breasts.

You wouldnt find out what time your bus is due, but you could learn about the services offered at the house. The number told stunned callers about the six domination chambers at the house, including a schoolroom, a Victorian boudoir, throne room and two rooms guaranteed to make your heart pound.

Neither is a bus shelter.

A woman goes to the doctor and says, Doctor, Ive got a bit of a problem. Ill have to take my clothes off to show you.

The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe.

She does so, and the doctor goes around to see her when she is ready. Well, what is it? he asks.

Its a bit embarrassing, she replies. These two green circles have

appeared on the inside of my thighs.

The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is.

Then he suddenly asks, Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?

The woman blushes and says, Well, actually I have.

Thats the problem, the doctor says, Tell him his earrings arent made of gold!!!

What do you call a Mexican being baptized?

Bean dip.