Old and New Jokes

A local man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub. The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks.

Police suspects a cereal killer.

Q: What do you call a skeleton in a closet?

A: The Miss Blonde Hide-and-Seek Champion of 1985.

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby weighing twenty pounds.

Wow! Twenty pounds! exclaimed many at the bar as they congratulated the proud father.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, Arent you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?

The proud father answered, 10 pounds.

The bartender said, Why, what happened? Didnt he weigh twenty pounds at birth?

The proud Texas father said, Yup …just had him circumcised!

10th…Scattered @#$%^& showers my ass..Noah 4314
9th…How the @#$% did you work that out!..Pythagorus 126BC
8th… You want what on the @#$%^$ ceiling?..Michealangelo 1566
7th…where did all those @#$%^& indians come from?..Custer 1877
6th…It does so @#$%^ look like her!..Picasso 1926
5th…So where the @#$% are we?..Ameleia Earhart 1937
4th…Any @#$%^& Idiot could understand that!..Einstein 1938
3rd…What the @#$% was that??.. Mayor of Hiroshima 1945
2nd..I need this parade like I need a @#$%#$% hole in the head !..JFK 1963
1st…Aw..Cmon..Who the @#$% is gonna find out?..Bill Clinton 1997

How many blondes does it take to milk a cow? Five — one to hold the udder, and four to lift and the cow up and down.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, “What is this, Father?” The father, who had never seen an elevator before, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I dont know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up, the the circles lit up in the reverse direction. the walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, “Go get your mother.”

Never let a fool kiss you or a kiss fool you. –Joey Adams

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, its one of the best. –Woody Allen

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. –Jim Backus

Only decent girls keep a diary. The others dont have the time.
–Tallulah Bankhead

Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the
art of insincerity possible between two human beings. –Vicki Baum

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. –Ambrose Bierce

Women need a reason to have sex — men just need a place. –Billy Crystal

Love: a seasons pass on the shuttle between heaven and hell. –Don Dickerman

Theres only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is Ill get married again.

–Clint Eastwood

Relationships are hard. Its like a full-time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice.
There should be severance pay, and before they leave you,
they should have to find you a temp. –Bob Ettinger

Getting divorced just because you dont love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
–Zsa Zsa Gabor

Im an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. –Zsa Zsa Gabor

ABC News says Americans spend $300 billion every year on
games of chance, and that doesnt even include weddings and
elections.

–Argus Hamilton

Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and youre going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth. And you should save it for someone you love. –Butch Hancock

Matrimony is the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented. –Heine (1797-1856)

Love is only the game that is not called on account of darkness. –M. Hirschfield

Love is like pi – natural, irrational, and very important. –Lisa Hoffman

Bigamy is having one husband to many. Monogamy is the same. –Erica Jong

Moving together with a man is like buying something you have long admired in a shop window. Youre exalted when you bring it home, but you soon discover that it doesnt match the rest of the furniture. –Jean Kerr

I love being married… I was single for a long time and I
just got so sick of finishing my own sentences. –Brian Kiley

I dont worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. –Sam Kinison

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural,
wholesome things that money can buy. –Steve Martin

The Japanese have a word for it. Its judo – the art of conquering by yielding. The western equivalent of judo is, Yes, dear. –J. P. McAvoy

I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. Please, Ill only put it
in for a minute. What am I, a microwave? –Beverly Mickins

Were going to talk about sex — actually, youre going to talk about sex, because I cant remember. –Professor Ralph Noble

You watch a talk show recently? Theyre doing one next month on a normal, happy heterosexual couple, assuming they can find one. –Ralph Noble

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw
any reason to limit myself. –Emo Phillips

A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a
divorce. –Don Quinn

Every time I date a man I think: Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? –Rita Rudner

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. Theyve experienced pain and bought jewelry. –Rita Rudner

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To us, sex is an emergency, and no matter what were doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. Theyre very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
–Jerry Seinfeld

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. –George Bernard Shaw

No one is more carnal than a recent virgin. –John Steinbeck

Instead of getting married again, Im going to find a woman I dont like
and just give her a house. –Rod Stewart

They say marriage is a contract. No, its not. Contracts
come with warrantees. When something goes wrong, you can
take it back to the manufacturer. If your husband starts
acting up, you cant take him back to his mamas house. I
dont know; he just stopped working. Hes just laying around
making a funny noise.
–Wanda Sykes-Hall

It is an infantile superstition of the human spirit that virginity would be thought a virtue and not the barrier that separates ignorance from knowledge. –Voltaire

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. –Unknown

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. –Unknown

Sex on television cant hurt you unless you fall off. –Unknown

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. –Unknown

Three blondes were walking through the woods when they came upon a

set of tracks.

Looks like deer tracks, said one blonde.

No, it looks like maybe a cow track, another blonde suggested.

Actually, I think they are just dog tracks, the third blonde

offered.

They were still arguing when the train hit them!

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife Mother of Six in spite of her objections.

One night they attended a party. When the man decided it was time to go home and wanted to find out if his wife was ready to leave as well, he shouted across the room at the top of his voice, Shall we go home Mother of Six?

His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion, finally shouted back: Anytime youre ready, Father of Four!

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. Lets see yer fishin license, Boy! the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. Well, son, said the Game Warden, you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You dont have to run from me if you have a valid license! Yes, sir, replied the young guy, but my friend back there, well, he dont have one.