Old and New Jokes

What kind of bees make milk ?

Boobies!

A Belgian met a Dutch friend, who was driving a Rolls Royce and spending money like water.

How did you het so rich? the Belgian asked.

I went to Canada, to shoot bears. The fur coats are very expensive.

How do you go about shooting bears?

Its very simple. You should go there in winter. When you enter a cave you will find a bear. Since it is in hybernation, it is very easy to shoot it.

Three months later they meet again. This time the Belgian is entirely wrapped in bandages.

What has happened to you?

Well the Belgian replies: I went to Canada, I entered a cave with my gun, and then suddenly… the train came.

A woman stopped by at her sons house,rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law on the couch,totally naked. Soft music was playing,and the aroma of perfume filled the room.


What was a nice Jewish girl like her doing lounging around naked?? she thought….


What are you doing? she asked.


Im waiting for my husband to come home from work the daughter-in-law said.


But youre naked! the mother-in-law exclaimed.


This is my love dress the daughter-in-law explained.


Love dress? But youre naked!


My husband loves me to wear this dress she explained. It excites him no end.Every time he sees me in this dress,he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours. He cant get enough of me


The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to


arrive. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.


What are you doing? he asked.


This is my love dress, she whispered,sensually.

Needs ironing, he said. Whats for dinner?

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is having a bad day?

A: When she has a tampon behind her ear and she cant find her pencil.

This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She met a foreman of a logging organization who offered to give her a job."Now I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told her. The blonde woman didnt see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best.She came back sweating like a pig. Christ, how many trees did you cut down? asked the foreman.6 she replied.What!? You have to do beter than that. Get up earlier tommorow. The foreman said. So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted.How many this time? asked the foreman.12 she said.The foreman says, That does it. Im coming out there with you tommorow morning.
The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, This is how to cut down trees really quickly. He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUM. He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically. So he asks her whats wrong. She replies, What the hell is that?

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.

I have an idea, said Mike. Well throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.

What, do you think Im stupid? I have an idea. Ill shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.

What, do you think Im stupid? Youll just turn off the flashlight when Im halfway there.

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, I dont know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out, and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months.While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. What if it doesnt work? they wondered, Are we stuck together FOREVER?After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes, he informed the couple, you CAN get married in Heaven.Great! said the couple, But we were just wondering, what if things dont work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard to the ground. Whats wrong? asked the frightened couple. OH, COME ON!! St. Peter shouts, It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long itll take me to find a lawyer?

A
couple had been married for several years when suddenly
the wife decides shed like to have breast implants.

The husband says, Now, honey, you know we cant afford that kind of thing right
now.

But I see you looking at other women, pleaded his wife, and I want to be as
attractive as they are to you.

Days go by and the wife keeps insisting she needs breast implants, despite the
protests of her husband. Finally, the husband has had it. So he says to his wife, Honey,
I have an idea. Every day, about twice a day, wad up some toilet paper, then
rub it between your breasts. Repeat it 3 or 4 times each time.

You think thatll make my breasts larger!? asked his wife.

Why not? says the husband, It worked on your ass!

1. When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard time grasping the concept of marriage. But anyway, I got out our wedding album, thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire service to her. Once finished, I asked if she had any questions, and she replied, Oh, I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us?

2. A mother took her three year old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice Happy Birthday to you…

3. After listening restlessly to a long and tedious sermon, a 6 year old boy asked his father what the preacher did the rest of the week. Oh, hes a very busy man, the father replied. He takes care of church business, visits the sick, ministers to the poor…and then he has to have time to rest up. Talking in public isnt an easy job, you know.
   The boy thought about that, then said, Well, listening aint easy, either.

4. At the beginning of a childrens sermon, one girl comes up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children are sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl, That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?
   The girl replies almost directly into the pastors clip-on mike, Yes, and my Mom says its a bitch to iron. [Mom couldnt have been a Baptist!]

5. I had been teaching my three year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lords Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after me. One night she said she was ready to solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. Lead us not into temptation, she prayed, but deliver us some e-mail. Amen.

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room.

I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen.

The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, Leave me alone!

They both jumped back, silenced. Whaa?? the teacher blubbered.

Then I typed, I said leave me alone!

The kid got really upset. I didnt do anything to it, I swear!

It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: Dont touch me!

Her: Im sorry, I didnt mean to hit your keys that hard.

Me: Who do you think you are anyway?! Etc.

Finally, I couldnt contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.