A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of
30.
He is persuaded to have a medical exam first. Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if Im sexually fit, he says to the doctor.
Okay, says the medic, let me see your sex organs.
So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.
Theres these two English blokes on a ski-ing trip, and one says to the other, whilst theyre at the top of the hill, What are we supposed to do, then?
To which the other replies, Well, you see those flags … were suppose to zag-zig in between them.
Dont you mean zig-zag? says the other,
No, zag-zig …
Anyway so they argue for quite a while. About as long as it takes for people to get bored with moaning about Squiffy, when one says Well ask Klaus the Kraut. Hell know.
So off they go to Klaus and one says, Tell me Klaus, me owd obergruppermeister, them flags … do we zig-zag or zag-zig?
Vell, says Klaus, I tsink zat you zig-zag, but I dont care, Im a tobogganist.
To which our lad says, Oh great. Ill have 20 Malboro, then.
This joke was told to me this past weekend by Estil Vance, who probably
heard it from someone at Johns Hopkins Medical School.
A ventriloquist was driving through the midwest when his car broke down.
He walked a ways and found a farmer who would let him use his phone. Well,
the farmer seemed to be a real stereotypical rural type, so the ventriloquist
thought it would be possible to have some fun with him. The farmer began
to lead him back to the house.
Along the way, they passed a horse. The ventriloquist said to the farmer,
Is this your horse? The farmer replied, Yep. The ventriloquist asked,
Can he talk? The farmer said, Nope. The ventriloquist then said to the
horse, So, how do you like it here? He then threw his voice, and said in
a horse-like voice, Oh, its pretty good. Every morning the farmer feeds me
oats. Upon hearing this the farmer was startled and quickened his pace.
Soon they came to a cow. The ventriloquist asked, Is this your cow? and
the farmer replied, Yep. He then asked, Does it talk? and the farmer
replied, I..I dont think so. The ventriloquist asked the cow, How do you
like it here? and threw his voice again. In a cow-like voice, he said,
Oh, I like it just fine. Every morning the farmer comes and milks me.
Upon hearing this, the farmer squirmed. He looked down at the ground and
continued walking.
Soon they came to some sheep. The ventriloquist asked, Are these your
sheep? and the farmer replied, Yep. He then asked, Do they talk? and
the farmer exclaimed, Yes, but they lie!
Neil Weinstock
What has 226 teeth and holds back a monster?
What do you call a Mexican being baptized?
Bean dip.
A woman goes to the doctor and says, Doctor, Ive got a bit of a problem. Ill have to take my clothes off to show you.
The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe.
She does so, and the doctor goes around to see her when she is ready. Well, what is it? he asks.
Its a bit embarrassing, she replies. These two green circles have
appeared on the inside of my thighs.
The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is.
Then he suddenly asks, Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?
The woman blushes and says, Well, actually I have.
Thats the problem, the doctor says, Tell him his earrings arent made of gold!!!
This article appeared in todays edition of the Toronto Sun. The TTC is the Toronto Transit Commission, and we usually refer to our subway trains as the rocket.
SIZZLIN HOTLINE DOUSED BY TTC
Whip them. Spank them. Make them ride the rocket in boy scout uniforms.
Beaten, but not bowed, transit officials say it took them no more than a day to realize a wrong number on one of their pamphlets connected riders to a well-travelled sex dominatrix.
TTC spokesman Christine Burkett said yesterday that the Rocket Rider guides were stripped from local transit vehicles last Monday after the number for a Spanish-language transit hotline turned out to be that for a local house of domination.
It was a case of a typo not being caught, Burkett said. Few noticed, but this woman was probably pretty pleased with the business you brought her, Burkett said of a Sun story which told the naughty tale of the snafu. With the fifth digit in the number messed up, what Spanish callers got – instead of TTC tips – was a throaty female voice promoting the Patricia Marsh House of Domination and Fantasy.
It is, according to the sexy voice: One of the worlds top 10 fantasy chambers created by the illustrious Patricia Marsh, renowned for her beauty, wicked imagination and fabulous breasts.
You wouldnt find out what time your bus is due, but you could learn about the services offered at the house. The number told stunned callers about the six domination chambers at the house, including a schoolroom, a Victorian boudoir, throne room and two rooms guaranteed to make your heart pound.
Neither is a bus shelter.
A grasshopper walks into a bar and says, Bartender, give me a drink.
The bartender cant believe his eyes and says, Oh my Gosh, I cant believe this, youre a talking grasshopper!
Do you know we have drink named after you?
The Grasshopper replies, You have a drink named Steve?
One day in Soweto a delivery truck pulls up outside the Mandela house. The driver gets out and unloads al pile of boxes on to the front lawn. At this point Winnie Mandela arrives back from shopping and accosts the driver: What are you doing? What is all this stuff on my garden!
Look lady, says the driver see this paper it say 150 car batteries for Nelson Mandela.
And with that he jumps in his truck and drives off.
The next day The truck again pulls up outside the Mandela house and the driver starts to unload. This time Winnie runs out shouting: What are you doing now?
Lokk lady, It says here 200 brake shoes for Nelson Mandela
But what does my Nelson want with 200 Brake shoes and 150 batteries, take them away! shouts Winnie
No lady I have to leave them or I get the sack, says the driver who has now finished throwing boxes on to the grass, and drives off.
The following day the truck pulls up and starts throwing tyres on to the now packed lawn. Winnie runs out and starts shouting again: What now, Tyres! take all this stuff away this instant!
Look lady, this paperwork say 300 tyres for Nelson Mandela, I have to leave them for him
Show me that paperwork shouts Winnie, and with that she grabs the sheet out of the drivers hand.
You idiot! Shouts Winnie this say 300 tyres for Nissan Main Dealer
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. Theres a
knob called brightness, but it doesnt work.