Old and New Jokes

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.

Well, he replied, the pay is good and the hours arent bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong.

Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every
word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
Cats look silly on a leash.
When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and
lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in
the first place.
Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they
die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake youve ever
made since the day you were born.
A dog knows when youre sad. And hell try to comfort
you. Cats dont care how you feel, as long as you remember
where the can opener is.
Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead
mouse in your slippers.
When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat
next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or
they wont go at all.
Dogs will come when you call them. And theyll be happy.
Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.
Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only
thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or
bugs, preferably ones that look like theyre in pain.
Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will
quietly sneak out the back door.

Santa Singh got his promotion and become an officer in Punjab Government. To keep up with his status, he decided to speak only in English to all his subordinates.

One morning, his peon peeped through the door to see if his boss was busy. Santa Singh noticed him and shouted, Why are you outstanding! Please income.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. Whisper my favorite words: Ill buy it for you. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you havent fallen asleep yet. Adults are just kids who owe money. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. You! Off my planet! -Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?

With scare spray…

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky!

Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other.

At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, Wow, unbelievable!

Bill woke up and asked, Whats going on?

Bob said, Ive got to go to the other tent and find my wife.

How come?

To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on Ive ever had in my life!

After a pause, Bill said, Do you want me to come with you?

Hell, no. Why would I want you to do that?

Because thats my dick youre holding.

The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no genitals.

When something is new and improved, which is it? If its new, then there has never been anything before it. If its an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too. Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you cant eat? What, should I eat someone elses cake instead?

When people say Its always in the last place you look. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after youve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie Did you see that? No dicknose, I paid $8.50 to come to the theatre and stare at that thing over there. What did you come here for?

The radio ad Hi, Im Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Dont drink and drive. I dont. Well, I hope you dont drive sober either Mr. Healey. Youre blind for gods sake!

People who ask Can I ask you a question? Didnt really give mea choice, did ya there buddy?

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

An Irishman named OMalley went to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor sighed and looked OMalley in the eye and said, Ive some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it cant be cured. Youd best put your affairs in order.
OMalley was shocked…. but being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctors office into the waiting room, where his son was waiting.
Well, Son, OMalley said, We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things dont go well. In this case, things arent so well…. I have cancer. Lets head to the pub and have a few pints.
After 3 or 4 pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of OMalleys friends who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.OMalley told them they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends,
I have been diagnosed with AIDS.
The friends gave OMalley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.
After the friends left, OMalleys son leaned over and whispered his confusion. Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer…. but you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!OMalley said, I dont want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

The lavatory is blocked. This is caused by the house next door throwing their balls on the roof.

This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked – where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done, as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

I want some repairs doing to my cooker, as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send me someone to mend our broken path. Yestersdaty my wife tripped and fell on it and she is now preganant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Would you please send a man to repair my spit, I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

This is let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we cannot get BBC2.