Old and New Jokes

4 surgeons were in the doctors lounge talking.

The first one said, I like operating on librarians because when you open them up, their parts are alphebetized. The second one said, I prefer working on Accountants because you open them up, and everything is numbered. The third Surgeon said, I really like operating on mechanics because they understand if you have parts left over.

The Fourth said, I like working on Lawyers. everone else asked why?.

He said, You open them up, and you find they are spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangable!

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a dirty son of a bitch to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office Christmas Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, Id like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.



First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. Im very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too. About the water cooler incident, youll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didnt hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.



To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.



Sam, you old cuss, youve just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, Id have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadnt been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.



Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure dont they? And the water is cold!!



Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. Well have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.



Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldnt remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.



To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jans panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.



Urinating in everyones drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.



Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darnest to come to the picnic……

The plane is on its way to Houston , when a blonde in economy class gets up

and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She

then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will

have to sit back in her seat.

The blonde replies, Im blonde, Im beautiful, Im going to Houston , and

Im staying right here.

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the

co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class who belongs in

economy and wont move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she

only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, Im blonde, Im beautiful, Im going to Houston , and

Im staying right here.

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police

waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who wont listen to reason.

The pilot says, You say shes a blonde? Ill handle this. Im married to a blonde. I speak blonde.

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, Oh, Im

sorry. And she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to

make her move without any fuss.

He replies, I told her, First class isnt going to Houston .

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a pit bull?

A: A dishonest pit bull.

One of them says I think I left an electron outside.The other asked, Are you positive?

Two older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus.

The first lady takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later it begins to rain, so she takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and carefully places it over the cigarette to shield it from the rain.

The second lady looks at that and says, Thats such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?

Its a condom, The first lady replies.

Well, where can you buy those?

the second lady asks.

Um… Most people buy them at pharmacies. the first lady replies.

So the second lady goes to a pharmacy and walks up to the counter.

Do you guys sell those condom things? she asks the pharmacist.

Why yes we do, the pharmacist says a little confused, Do you know what size you need?

So the lady says, Well its got to fit a Camel.

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, Hans Olaffsens Laundry.

Hans Olaffsen?, he muses. How the heck does that fit in here?

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, How did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsens Laundry?

The old man answers, Is name of owner.

The tourist asks, Well, who and where is the owner?

Me, is right here, replies the old man.

You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?

Is simple, says the old man. Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, What your name?

He say, Hans Olaffsen.

Then she look at me and go, What your name?

I say, Sem Ting.

Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?

A: Anything you want, it cant hear you.

Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?

A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.

Q: Whats grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?

A: An inside out elephant.

Q: What is grey and not there.

A: No elephants.

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?

A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?

A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?

A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?

A: Ever seen a yellow elephant? (Stup-pid, fuul, idyut!)

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?

A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?

A: It was glued to the first one.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?

A: It thought it was a game.

Q: And why did the tree fall down?

A: It thought it was an elephant.

Q: How many legs does an elephant have?

A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.

Q: How do you get an elephant into a Volkswagen Beetle?

A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, and close the door.

Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?

A: Open the Beetle door, take the elephant out, close the Beetle door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.

Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagen Beetle?

A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?

A: Footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?

A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?

A: Cant get the fridge door closed.

Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?

A: Theres a Volkswagen Beetle parked outside it.

Q: How do you get 8 elephants in a fridge?

A: Put four in a Volkswagen Beetle, four in another Beetle, put the two Beetles in the fridge.

Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?

A: Open door, get two Beetles out, put Tarzan in, close door.

Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?

A: You cant, silly. There is only one Tarzan!

Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?

A: The fridge isnt not large enough to hold them all.

Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?

A: Depends on the number of elephants.

Q: The Lion gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?

A: They were stuck in the Volkswagen Beetle.

Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a Volkswagen Beetle?

A: None, the elephants are in there!

Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Dont be stupid, elephants cant change light bulbs.

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?

A: Look, therere 1,000 elephants coming over the hill.

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with Sunglasses on, coming over the hill?

A: Nothing, he didnt recognize them.

Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?

A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?

A: No? Well, it must work.

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?

A: Theyre all on the same team.

Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car?

A: Getting two elephants into the back seat of your car!

Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?

A: Nothing, peanuts cant talk.

What do you call one lawyer thrown off a bridge into a river?
Pollution.
What do you call all the lawyers thrown off a bridge?
Solution.

Holy Man lives in a house close to the river. It rains for a couple days, the river comes up and starts to flood his house. A man in a 4-wheel drive pick-up truck stops to pick him up. The Holy Man wouldnt leave. He said God would save him. A couple hours later Holy Man is on the roof. The water is now half way up his house. A guy in a boat comes by to save him. But Holy Man wouldnt go, he said God would save him. A couple hours later, the water is now up to the roof. A guy flies up in a helicopter, but again Holy Man wouldnt go. He said said God would save him. Well Holy Man drowns, goes before God and asks Why didnt you save me? God said, I sent you a truck, a boat and a helicopter, what more do you want?