A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, Sorry, sir, but youre only allowed one seat. The man groaned but didnt budge. The usher became impatient. Sir, the usher said, if you dont get up from there Im going to have to call the manager. Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.All right buddy, whats your name?Sam, the man moaned. Where ya from, Sam? the cop asked. The balcony.
What does a blonde do when her computer freezes?
She sticks it in the microwave.
Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his fathers Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didnt punish him ?
One Student: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
4 surgeons were in the doctors lounge talking.
The first one said, I like operating on librarians because when you open them up, their parts are alphebetized. The second one said, I prefer working on Accountants because you open them up, and everything is numbered. The third Surgeon said, I really like operating on mechanics because they understand if you have parts left over.
The Fourth said, I like working on Lawyers. everone else asked why?.
He said, You open them up, and you find they are spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangable!
When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a dirty son of a bitch to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office Christmas Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, Id like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.
First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. Im very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too. About the water cooler incident, youll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didnt hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.
To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.
Sam, you old cuss, youve just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, Id have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadnt been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.
Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure dont they? And the water is cold!!
Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. Well have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.
Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldnt remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.
To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jans panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.
Urinating in everyones drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.
Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darnest to come to the picnic……
The plane is on its way to Houston , when a blonde in economy class gets up
and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She
then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will
have to sit back in her seat.
The blonde replies, Im blonde, Im beautiful, Im going to Houston , and
Im staying right here.
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the
co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class who belongs in
economy and wont move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she
only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, Im blonde, Im beautiful, Im going to Houston , and
Im staying right here.
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police
waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who wont listen to reason.
The pilot says, You say shes a blonde? Ill handle this. Im married to a blonde. I speak blonde.
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, Oh, Im
sorry. And she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to
make her move without any fuss.
He replies, I told her, First class isnt going to Houston .
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a pit bull?
A: A dishonest pit bull.
One of them says I think I left an electron outside.The other asked, Are you positive?
Two older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus.
The first lady takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later it begins to rain, so she takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and carefully places it over the cigarette to shield it from the rain.
The second lady looks at that and says, Thats such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?
Its a condom, The first lady replies.
Well, where can you buy those?
the second lady asks.
Um… Most people buy them at pharmacies. the first lady replies.
So the second lady goes to a pharmacy and walks up to the counter.
Do you guys sell those condom things? she asks the pharmacist.
Why yes we do, the pharmacist says a little confused, Do you know what size you need?
So the lady says, Well its got to fit a Camel.
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, Hans Olaffsens Laundry.
Hans Olaffsen?, he muses. How the heck does that fit in here?
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, How did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsens Laundry?
The old man answers, Is name of owner.
The tourist asks, Well, who and where is the owner?
Me, is right here, replies the old man.
You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?
Is simple, says the old man. Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, What your name?
He say, Hans Olaffsen.
Then she look at me and go, What your name?
I say, Sem Ting.