Old and New Jokes

The Missing Toupee!

On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!

The driver didnt think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.

Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!

This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon.

A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him.

Excuse me, sir, can I help you?

The elderly man looked up and said, Well, sonny, you sure can. Ive lost my toupee and Im trying to find it.

I thought Id found it twice, but they were both parted in the middle…and mines parted on the side!

Men now have another excuse to avoid Christmas shopping – it could damage their health.

A British survey found male stress levels skyrocketed when they were forced to choose gifts and stand in the check-out queues of crowded stores.

Yo Momma is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyone and got stuck.

A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Irving. He cant wait to show him off to his neighbor, so when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Irving into the house, bragging about how smart he is.

The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.

The guy points to the newspaper by the door and commands Okay, Irving, Fetch!

Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face.

Looking up at his master, he whines, You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy … This constant wagging of the tail puts me in such pain, you should only know! And you think its easy eating that junk you call designer dog food. Forget it…its too salty and it gives me gas. And also the runs, but what do you care? Why dont you try it if you think its so good? You try it. Junk I say! Then you push me out the door to take care of my business, twice a day. Its disgusting I tell you! And when was the last time you took me for a nice long walk? I cant remember when!

The neighbor is absolutely amazed … stunned. In astonishment, he says, I cant believe it. Irving can speak. Your dog actually talks.


Here he is sitting on the sofa talking to us.

I know, I know. says the owner. Hes not yet fully trained yet. He thought I said, Kvetch.

THE GHOST SHIT – Thats the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet.

THE CLEAN SHIT – The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

THE WET SHIT – It happens when youre done shitting, youve pulled up your pants to your knees, and you realize you have to shit some more.

BRAIN HEMORRAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT OR POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT – The kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.

THE ICEBERG SHIT – The kind where the shit is so long that the end of it stick s above the water.

THE RICHARD SIMMONS SHIT – The kind where you shit so much that you lose 30 pounds.

THE CORN SHIT – Self-explanatory.

THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT – The kind of shit that is so huge that youre afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet brush.

THE DRINKERS SHIT – That is the kind of shit that you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the tread marks left on the bottom of the toilet.

THE GEE I WISH I COULD SHIT SHIT – Its the kind where you want to shit but all you do is sit on the toilet cramped and fart a few times.

THE SPINAL TAP SHIT – Thats the kind where it hurts so much coming out, youd swear it was leaving you sideways.

THE WET CHEECKS SHIT OR THE POWER DUMP – Thats the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE QUID SHIT – Thats the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole time chronically burning your tender buns.

THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT – A class all its own.

THE OTTOMAS SHIT – The kind where the odor of the mess creeps out of the restroom and throughout the building to make the entire building sick or near evacuation. (This has been noted in several bowling alleys in the past few years.)

…leaving me wondering – just who comes up with these things?…

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark. And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. OK, Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, Im your man.

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

Noah! shouted the Lord, Where is My ark? A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

Lord, please forgive me! begged Noah. I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the arks construction, but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a sprinkler system.

My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.

Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldnt let me catch them, so no owls.

Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.

Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldnt complete the ark without filling out an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didnt take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being. Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!

Right now, Im still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities Im supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I dont think I can finish the ark in less than five years.

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. You mean you are not going to destroy the world? he asked hopefully.

No, said the Lord. The government already has.

REAL STORIES OF THE NON-TECHNICAL
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person whoanswered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?" I worked with an individual who plugged theirpower strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why theircomputer would not turn on."Do you know anythingabout this fax-machine?"

"A little. Whatswrong?"

"Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient calledback to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again,and the same thing happened."

"How did you load the sheet?"

"Its a pretty sensitive memo, and I didnt want anyone else to read it byaccident. So I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it." I recently saw a distraught young lady weepingbeside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.

"I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now Icant get into my car. Do you think that store wouldhave a battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?"I asked.

"No, just this remote,"she answered, handing it and thecar keys to me. As I took the keys and manually unlocked the door, I said"Why dont you drive over there and check about the batteries? Its a longwalk."Tech Support: What does the screensay now?
Caller: It says Hit ENTER when ready.
Tech Support: Well?
Caller: How do I know when its ready? A man moved to New Mexico and called his creditcompany to change his address. When he told the girl where he was moving, she told him that she couldnt help him since they didnt issue cards outside of the United States! My friend called his car insurance company totell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the callasked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said,"Look, Im not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"Several years ago, we had an intern who was nonetoo swift. One day, he was typing and turned to a secretary.

"Im almost outof typing paper. What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," shetold him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it onthe photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies One of our servers crashed. I was watchingour new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed totype a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused,asking me "Wheres the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and hesaid,"You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."I replied,"You mean the letter "i"?" and he said,"Yeah, thatsit!" I was in a car dealership a while ago when alarge motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need ofrepair and the whole thing generally looked like it had been an extra in"Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruisecontrol, then went in back to make a sandwich.

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, Theyre all lookin to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want.

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the mans opinion.

Well said the man, Shes just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed.

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

Well, the man replied, Shes just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed.

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, Shes perfect, just perfect! Shes the one I want to marry! So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

Well, explained the farmer, She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her.

A group of Italians and a group of Poles heard that the telephone company was looking for people so they applied. The telephone company decided to give them a test before hiring Anyone so they sent the teams out to install telphone poles. At the end of the day they reported back on how they had done.

The Italian team had installed 10 telephone poles and the Polish team one. The Italians were hired.

The Polish team protested that the Italians had cheated because the Italians left most of the poles sticking out of the ground.

Actual personal ads from actual newspapers all across America as collected by Kathy Hinckley in Plain Fat Chick Seeks Guy Who Likes Broccoli.

WOMEN SEEKING MEN

I like driving around with my two cats, especially on the freeway. I make them wear little hats so that I can use the carpool lane. Way too much time on your hands too? Call me. SWF, 42, 510, brown/blue.

SWF, 27, obnoxious, silly, pierced, tattooed, insane, hormonally unbalanced, Rollerblading, sushi-eating, cartoon-watching redhead from Hell, seeks Vlad. My neck is all yours. BITE ME.

Dont call me if you are uneducated; unemployed; unhealthy smoker; felon; under 30 years old, 510; over 40 years old, 68, 230 pounds; like cats, channel surfing; make less than $30,000 annually; or have body parts pierced. Others feel free.

MEN SEEKING WOMEN

Fat, flatulent, over-40, cigar-smoking redneck seeks sexy woman with big hair to cook, clean and pick up unemployment checks.

Desperate lonely loser, SWM, 32, miserable, apathetic, tired of watching TV and my roommates hair fall out. Seeks depressed, unattractive SWF, 25-32, no sense of humor, for long talks about the macabre.

Handsome DWM, 40, seeks loving, romantic S/DWF with round, bulging bubble butt and pretty face with monogamous intentions, 28-40.

Thick glasses, HP calculator, SAT 99th percentile, knows pi to 16 digits. Great job, big house, pool. SWM, 33, 60, 144 lbs. Better looking than Bill Gates.

And then there were these from the PERVCONNECTION:

I need to be punished! Well-off older WM needs expert discipline from young, under 30 men or women. Enjoy leg worship and harness-training.

Married WF seeks bald Asian dwarves for sex experiments. I love it when you little bastards are naked.

If interested in first-time group sex experience. Safe sex only with sensitive, attractive couples or groups, no animals. Age unimportant. Will travel. Lets be buddies!

Put on the rubber glove and call me sweetheart.